Summer Movie Views And Don't's: Upcoming Best and Worst

Summer is upon us already, people.  This means huge blockbusters, sequels galore, and a few sleepers sprinkled in there as well.  With summer comes a lot of baggage.  This is the time where the Michael Bay's of the world come out of hiding and give us brainless popcorn fare in 3D IMAX smell-o-vision, seat cushion ass warmer style.  It's hard to tell which are going to be decent films worth spending $87 on a ticket and a small popcorn.  That's why I'm here.  These are the films that, in my head, appear to be the best ones to take a chance on and which ones to probably avoid.  (Let it be known that I would've had Star Trek on "Upcoming Best" and The Great Gatsby on "Upcoming Worst" but they were already included on my previous list Best and Worse Upcoming Spring list.)  Also, I'm well aware that I don't have very many arthouse-indie type films on this list because this is a list for SUMMER films-- a very specific type of film-- which may not be a good movie in the grand scheme of film, but as for entertaining summer fodder will serve nicely.

Upcoming Best:

 May 23: The Hangover Part III
Starring: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifinakis, John Goodman
Dir: Todd Phillips

Wait, wait!  Don't discredit me yet!  Remember how much you loved the first one?  Remember how funny it was and still is to this day?  So, yeah, they made a second one that sucked and was essentially an unfunny carbon copy of the first one.  But, guess what... remember a little film called Ocean's 11?  Remember how good that was?  Then came 12 and it took everything you loved about the original and bashed it with a lead pipe.  So, what did they do?  They made 13, the apology movie.  It was a much better film, back in Vegas, to say sorry for the sequel screw up.  I have a feeling that's what Hangover Part III is doing.  It's apologizing for the screw up.  And, even if I'm wrong, there's still going to be very funny moments in the film.

June 14: This Is The End
Starring: Seth Rogen, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson, Emma Watson
Dir: Evan Goldberg, Seth Rogen

We haven't had a Seth Rogen/Frat Pack movie since Pineapple Express.  Apatow's crew has somewhat gone quiet and joined other projects.  But, remember the good ol' days where there'd be two or three a year and they weren't only the funniest movies out that year, but also good???  Well, you can bet on a few things with this movie: it's going to be hilarious, it's going to be crude, and it's going to go balls out.  You'll get to see your favorite celebrities get killed (can't wait to watch Aziz die) and say horrific stuff during the apocalypse.  It may not be the best movie of the year, but it'll probably be the funniest.

June 21: Monsters University
Starring: Billy Crystal, John Goodman, John Krasinski, Steve Buscemi
Dir: Dan Scalon

Yeah, so it's another unnecessary sequel from Pixar when they should be making more original movies like Up and Wall-E, but then again it IS Pixar. By now, one should just assume that no matter what Pixar is putting out (unless it's Cars) is going to be solid gold.  And this isn't a bad film to make a prequel to.  The first one was a cute, endearing little feature that probably doesn't warrant a prequel because we already know how everything turns out, but it's done, it's made, and it's probably going to be great.

June 28: White House Down
Starring: Channing Tatum, Jamie Foxx, Maggie Gyllenhaal, James Woods
Dir: Roland Emmerich

Yep, now I've completely lost you, haven't I?  Hear me out!  I swear, I have a logical explanation for this one!  Okay, so you know how I thought Olympus Has Fallen was going to be an "upcoming best" and then it turned out to be a shit movie?  Well... that led me to believe that this movie was going to suck just as much.  But, Roland Emmerich... is one of the best when it comes to big-budget destruction and mayhem.  Independence Day is one of the greatest movies of all time.  I know 2012 sucked, but at least the destruction scenes were fun to watch and the CGI was competent.  Plus, just give the trailer a watch.  It looks like he's back to that perfect combination of funny and action.  It's a buddy-cop movie with the president.  At the very least, it couldn't be worse than Olympus, right?

July 5: The Lone Ranger
Starring: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, Helena Bonham Carter, William Fichtner
Dir: Gore Verbinski

 
This is one that even I'm a little skeptical about.  It's got a great cast (I mean Fichtner as the villain!!!) and the director has proven his worth with the first Pirates movie, but it's the latest trailer for the movie that makes it seem like it'll be a worthwhile Summer flick.  If it isn't, this might not be too good for Depp's career.

June 5: The Way, Way Back
Starring: Sam Rockwell, Steve Carrell, Toni Collette
Dir: Jim Rash and Nat Faxon

This [hopefully] is going to be the small, indie hit of the year.  It's cheaply made, but makes tons of money.  At the end of the year, its not nominated for any awards but its everyone's favorite movie.  Written and Directed by the guys who wrote The Descendents, I think this is the movie I'm most excited for over summer.  I wish more movies were like this one.

July 12: Pacific Rim
Starring: Idris Elba, Charlie Day
Dir: Guillermo Del Toro

This movie, I fear, will be misjudged by most people.  It is probably going to come off as another Transformers or Battleship type film, when in actuality it's much, much smarter than that.  Guillermo Del Toro's name alone, including a writing credit, should speak volumes as to how epic and awesome this movie will be.  It's more about science than pyrotechnics.  I'm excited and I think this will be the start of what summer movies should aim to be.

July 19: The Conjuring
Starring: Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga, Lili Taylor
Dir: James Wan

Good horror is hard to find and few and far between.  But, James Wan has proven with Insidious that he knows how to scare the crap out of people.  This movie is rated R.  Not because it has blood or gore or language or nudity or drugs.  It's rated R for being too scary.  Plain and simple.  Tell me that doesn't pique your interest just a tad?

August 2: 2 Guns
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Denzel Washington, Paula Patton
Dir: Baltasar Kormakur

Finally!  A buddy-cop movie!  We've been waiting for the resurgence!  It's Lethal Weapon for the 2010 era. Denzel has a pretty good track record as of late and Wahlberg looks like he's picking scripts that allows him to have the most fun possible while filming.  This one is definitely a hidden gem nearing the end of summer.

August 9: Elysium
Starring: Matt Damon, Jodie Foster, Sharlto Copley
Dir: Neil Blomkamp

Neill Blomkamp's follow up to District 9 has been held to such secrecy that until recently there had been no plot details released prior to the trailer.  While it doesn't look as crisp as District 9, it looks like the much better alternative to After Earth.

August 23: The World's End
Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Martin Freeman
Dir: Edgar Wright

 Edgar Wright- Simon Pegg- Nick Frost-- the brilliant trio behind Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz finally complete their "blood and ice cream" trilogy with The World's End.  I don't care what this movie is even about, I will see it.  Three of the best writers of our day, combined with Britain's best duo since Farley and Spade make this one the most anticipated movies of Summer.  It will be great.  No matter what.

Upcoming Worst:


May 31: After Earth
Starring: Will Smith, Jaden Smith
Dir: M. Night Shyamalan

Fool me once M. Night Shyamalan, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me five more times, I've given up on you and will no longer trust your judgement when it comes to movies.  Oh, it's not a horror film?  Oh, it's not something you've written yourself?  I don't care.  Will Smith looks like a smug asshole in the movie, and I don't like you M. Night.  Oh, and just watch the preview.  It's gonna suck.  (What's with those accents??)

June 7: The Internship
Starring: Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, John Goodman
Dir: Shawn Levy

Let's face it.  Vince Vaughn hasn't been funny since Wedding Crashers.  He's had attempts at comedy with Fred Claus, Couples Retreat and The Watch but they've all missed.  What's the one thing that could possibly rejuvenate his career?  A reunion with fellow Crasher Owen Wilson?  Yet, watching the embarrassingly unfunny trailers for this film has made me believe that this is it for Vince Vaughn.  Maybe a large cameo in Anchorman 2 can save him.  I doubt it.

June 21: World War Z
Starring: Brad Pitt, David Morse
Dir: Marc Forster

Even though I've already detailed 7 reasons World War Z is gonna suck, my mind has not changed. The CGI looks cheap, the movie looks humorless, and it's gone back for multiple reshoots because there's creative disputes aplenty.  This will not be a good movie and it may be the catalyst that knocks zombie movies back a few years.

June 28: The Heat
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Melissa McCarthy
Dir: Paul Feig

Paul Feig's directorial follow up to Bridesmaids is a "buddy cop" movie starring Miss Congeniality and Miss About To Be Overkilled In Hollywood That No One Will Find Her Funny Anymore Because She Only Plays One Role.  It's rated R which gives it a little bit of credibility back, but take McCarthy's already tired schtick out of the movie, out of the trailer even, and what's funny?  She's chunky, she's crude... she's a cop?  Not enough to convince me.

July 12: Grown Ups 2
Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade
Dir: Dennis Dugan

Adam Sandler's first sequel ever comes from his [second] worst movie ever made.  Did anyone really find Grown Ups funny?  Anyone with a brain, I mean?  There was no story.  There was no character development.  Just five actual friends, having fun on a lot of money, and getting paid to do it.  There's not a single memorable moment from the first film and the second one doesn't look like its going to provide that either.  It would be very difficult to make it worse than the first one, but don't think ol' Sandler won't try.

July 19: R.I.P.D.
Starring: Jeff Bridges, Ryan Reynolds, Kevin Bacon
Dir: Robert Schwentke

This is the one that I'm the most sad about.  When I first heard the plot description of undead police officers working to arrest the baddies of the ghost world and that Ryan Reynolds would be teaming up with the man, the myth, the legend Jeff Bridges, there was no way it could go wrong.  Throw in a bad script and some incredibly cheap CGI (I'm talking Van Helsing bad, like are we playing watching Despicable Me or a live action movie kinda bad) and you've ruined all chances at producing a great movie or starting a franchise.  Rest in Peace.

August 2: 300: Rise of an Empire
Starring: Eva Green, Rodrigo Santoro
Dir: Noam Murro

Do I even have to say why this movie is going to suck?  I mean, Gerard Butler wouldn't even come back.  No trailer attached yet.




August 23: The Mortal Instruments
Starring:  A bunch of no names
Dir: Who cares

Yawn. Snooze.  Another piece of Twilight fan crap.  It'll make some money.  Hopefully not enough for the trilogy.  I will actively avoid it.  You should too.

Movies I Haven't Decided on Yet:

I've got a good grasp on which movies I think will be good and which to avoid.  But there are still a select few that could go either way.  Check out the trailers below and judge for yourself.  Have a fun summer!

 

Iron Man 3: Third Time's A Charm

Thanks, in most part, to Christopher Nolan, superhero movies have been given an almost unreachable standard of quality.  We no longer want the silly antics of shit-ass comic book movies like Fantastic Four, Daredevil, or Hulk.  We don't want CGI bad guys, or anything that doesn't have a path of believability to it.  You got lucky with The Avengers because of the star-power and the skills of Joss Whedon were able to keep your head just a little bit above water.  But, trust me, in lesser hands, that movie would not fly.  Now that we've had The Dark Knight, which was basically a crime-thriller disguised as a Batman movie, that's what we yearn for.  Since we've had The Joker as the perfect film antagonist, that's what we yearn for.  Iron Man 2 was not a good movie for a number of reasons.  First, it was the first superhero film to be released after the success of TDK.  So, audiences wanted more like that.  There was the plausibility that Mickey Rourke's "Whiplash" would be as insane and badass as The Joker.  Unfortunately, Whiplash appeared once, then disappears into a room to tinker with his outfit, leaves for almost an entire film, and returns at the end for a very less-than-satisfactory battle with Iron Man which lasts less than five minutes.  It was disappointing to say the least.  So, studios decided to bring in a different set of eyes and ideas into the franchise.  They may have made the best decision of all time... they brought in Shane Black.

Shane who?  Ryan, you set that up as it if were to mean something to me.  Oh, yeah.  I forgot.  I'm the nerd here, you're the reader who had two minutes to yourself so you thought you'd check to see if I liked the movie or not.  Shane Black is my all-time favorite writer in Hollywood.  He's the sole reason that Robert Downey Jr. was resurrected back to life.  He's written Lethal Weapon, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and The Long Kiss Goodnight.  The latter two being a couple of my favorite movies of all time.  The man is one of the smartest writers I've ever read.  He knows how to write such crisp and witty dialogue that it almost makes me feel inadequate as a budding writer myself.  The man knows how to play with plot and when to reveal certain information to the audience.  So, when you're watching a Shane Black film, you're laughing your head off, but you're also not entirely sure what is going to happen.  He'll practically leave the last bit of important information until the very end of the film where everything will tie in and the crowd will utter a resounding, "ohhhhh!".  And, goddamn, does the man know how to turn a phrase.  (And if you have not seen Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, stop reading right now, and watch it).

So, when I heard he'd signed on to continue the Iron Man series, I could think of no one else more perfect to write Tony Stark.  And the end result is that this, bias aside, is hands-down the best Iron Man of the series.  This time around Tony is back from New York having just saved the world from the events in The Avengers, but he's not handling it well.  He has anxiety attacks whenever New York or aliens or wormholes are brought up in conversation.  Despite this, a new threat is plaguing America with The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley) hacking into television feed and offering up "lessons" to America backed by bombings.  Also, happening at the same time is Aldrich Killian (Guy Pierce), the head of AIM an organization that has made the drug Extremis-- which allows the body, when injured, to rebuild itself almost instantly (but not without the possibility of very costly side effects).  This is what Shane Black does, people.  He takes three seemingly random plot courses, and eventually collides them all together at the end.  Tony is ambushed by The Mandarin, sending his beach house to the depths of the Ocean, along with blowing up every Iron Man suit he owns, save for the prototype he's wearing during the attack.  This sets out Tony on a mission to find those responsible for the attacks, and get his Iron Man suit back to functioning.

This is where the movie is at its best.  Not with Downey donning red and gold, but when he's Tony.  Left only with his cunning to defend him in moments of dire need.  The film turns into a Tom Clancy-esque mystery and Iron Man is gone for a good hour.  It's now a Tony-centric plot.  He's still put in impossible situations, cornered by baddies with powers much stronger than his own, and we get to sit back and watch how the man, not the superhero, is the true genius.  Iron Man is nothing without the man inside of it.  And, I'll tell you, it looks like he doesn't even need a suit except for when it's time to take flight.  Alas, do not fret Iron Man fans, the suit makes a triumphant return in the last half hour or so.  The climax is one to watch.  While the first half hour is Tony Stark/Iron Man fun, the next hour is Tony Stark mystery mode man, and the last half hour is pure action genius (with a tad of buddy cop movie thrown in as well).  Some fans of the standard Superhero formula may be a tad turned off by the amount of time Tony spends out of suit, and in the wrong hands again, I believe that our interest in his quest to find the truth may have become a little bit stale and boring as we yearn for the suit to make a resurgence (I'm looking at you, Iron Man 2), but Shane Black can do no wrong.  It's the film he's been destined to write his entire career.

Robert Downey Jr., again, is perfect as Stark.  But, as great he's been, this is his best time out.  Backed by Shane Black's God-given penchant for sharp dialogue, Tony Stark is in his finest form.  Gweneth Paltrow isn't as annoying as she is in the other films, so I guess that's a plus, right? But, it's Guy Pierce and especially Ben Kingsley who complete the circle.  While they're not The Joker, or even Bane, they're not trying to be.  Shane Black didn't set out to make a Christopher Nolan superhero movie with an awesome villain.  He set out to make his own type of superhero movie, one not yet seen before, and own it.  Kingsley isn't trying to be the Joker, Pierce isn't trying to be a crazy, chaos-loving, brute force in the film.  He's his own villainous entity that doesn't disappoint.  They're the perfect combination of frightening and funny, a combo that most writers would have a difficult time with.

One of the things Shane Black does best is he knows how to pull wool over his audience's eyes.  He does it again here.  There's a couple of neat little twists in the film that I hope don't get spoiled for you before you're able to see it.  Iron Man 3 represents the beginning of Summer Movies.  Each week one gigantic, explosion-filled, hundred-million-dollar movie will enter cinemas and crowd you into sold-out shows of movies you've been waiting for.  Damn it, if they didn't kick it off with a bang.  I'm not sure many movies this summer will be able to top this feat.  And yes, Iron Man 3 is already on its way to a billion and a half dollar profit, but it's nice to know that at least that money isn't going to a movie that doesn't deserve it.  Spend your money here.  Don't spend it on After Earth or World War Z or Fast And Furious 19.  Guaranteed, this will be a top 3 best summer movie by the end of summer, if not the best.  It still has some competition, but the bar has been set incredibly high already.

A

Pain & Gain: How A Movie Starring The Rock And Directed By Michael Bay Ended Up Being The First Good Movie Of 2013

How does a freakish fruit cocktail of Michael Bay, Mark Whalberg, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and bodybuilding end up tasting to sweet?  Michael Bay hasn't made a good movie since Bad Boys II and he hasn't made a respectable movie since The Rock.  Yet, don't count the loud bastard out just yet, he still has a few surprises up his sleeves.  Pain & Gain is a good movie.  Why?  Because it's all true!  All of it.  Which is why Michael Bay was probably the perfect director for the film because it's a batshit crazy clusterfuck of a mess of a story... but it's true.  It makes no logical sense why these guys do what they do and how they get themselves into the situations they get themselves into... but it's all true!  They say truth is stranger than fiction, well, in this instance, they're entirely correct.

Pain & Gain is based off the articles written by Pete Collins, published in the Miami NewTimes. Altogether they're collectively about the length of a book, but if you have the time I highly suggest a read.  I started reading them one morning and I was so hooked I spent the rest of the day finishing the articles to see what these juiced-up idiots would get themselves into next.  What basically happens is this (mild spoilers, but if you read the article, you already know): Daniel Lugo (Mark Whalberg) wants the American dream... to be rich and powerful and respected.  However, with a lack of common sense, he decides it would be easier to take the short route of taking the dream away from someone rather than achieve it himself.  Enter Victor Kershaw (Tony Shaloub), a prickly little man who has a way of getting under your skin with his complete lack of respect for anybody, but also a hard worker who spent years and years and years making his American dream a reality.  He's rich beyond belief.  So, Lugo, along with pals Adrienne Doorbal (Anthony Mackie) and Jesus-praising, coke-loving idiot Paul (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson) they hatch a plan to kidnap Kershaw, torture him for weeks, take everything he has and has ever had and will ever have, and send him back on the street penniless and unaware of who took all his money.  Sound a little too good to be true?  Well, it is.  These guys botch nearly every single part of their "plan". From failing to actually kidnap Kershaw correctly about six different times, to blowing their cover, to keeping Kershaw in captivity for over a month rather than a couple of days.  Then, after realizing he would go to the cops, they botch killing him!  They crash his car with him drunk in it, then blow him up, then run his body over--twice!  And the man lives!  These are not real people, these are not real situations, these are fictitious film characters and what's happening to them is so outrageous it's beyond unbelievable.  Except everything is fucking true!  That all really happened!

This is where I think audiences will have a hard time with the film.  There are only going to be a select number of people that know this is a true story and all of the unbelievability and stupidity and poor choices and impossible moments (like three body builders dressing like surgeons in order to kill Kershaw in the hospital only to get lost for over an hour trying to find his room allowing the guy to escape) actually happened the way they're watching it.  Most of the audience will either be meathead Fast and Furious fans with as many brain cells as the people they're watching expecting something different, or they'll be Michael Bay fans expecting they typical Michael Bay film.  Either way I think the audience goes home disappointed.  I, personally, didn't have a strong desire to see the film until I read the true story in the articles.  Then, I couldn't wait to watch these idiots try to incoherently put a plan together.

While the film is being marketed as a "comedy" of sorts, it's not really a comedy.  It's a dark, dark, dark comedy at best.  These guys were torturers, thieves, and ultimately murderers and there's actually nothing funny about what happened in the story.  But, you can't help but laugh at how this whole charade plays out.  It's ridiculous.  No one is that stupid!  Except they were!  You're not laughing with them, you're laughing at them. It's not funny watching two men dismember two dead bodies in order to get rid of them.  But, it is darkly comical to watch them buy an electric chainsaw, not know how to properly use it, get it tangled in one of the victim's hair, break it, and try to return it to Home Depot with the hair still attached.  Too stupid to be true? Guess again.

Whalberg and Mackie do a very good job of a playing the two main perps involved in the kidnapping and torture.  You can tell that Lugo actually knows some of what he's doing, except trying to figure out how to do it is somehow lost in transit from his brain to his actions.  Doorbal, who in real life was actually the most deranged of those involved, is toned down a little bit in the film due to the fact that no audience would be able to stomach watching the things this man does.  But, it's The Rock who really steals the show as Paul (a mixture of a few different people involved in the real crime combined into one character).  He's gentle, he's loving, he's kind... and yet "God gave [him] the ability to knock someone the fuck out!"  It's refreshing to see The Rock with a little acting range.  He's been in kids movies, yes.  He's been in action movies, yes.  But, he mostly phones in the acting, because well, let's face it, he knows he ain't winning no awards.  Here, you can tell he actually knows what he's doing and is having a blast doing it.

Even Michael Bay does something a little different here.  Yes, it's another movie in Miami.  Yes, there are women in bikinis, strippers, fast cars, chases, shoot-outs, and dumbfuckery... but that's because it all really happened that way.  Michael Bay found a gold mine with this story and all he really had to do was what he's been doing his entire career.  The film is paced strangely with the narrator switching from character to character, but this multiple narrator gimmick actually services the story.  The pacing serves the story.  The complete lack of brain activity... serves the story.  It's like watching a car wreck in slow motion between a full clown car and a bus of lawyers.  Yes, it's disgusting and sad and violent and horrific... but at the same time... it's hard not to laugh at the ridiculousness going on right in front of your eyes.  I highly recommend taking a few hours to read the articles, then taking a few more to catch it on the big screen.

B+

42: A Hearty Slice Of Cheesey Corn Pie

I wouldn't produce a *cough* weekly movie blog if I didn't love movies.  And I do.  I love movies.  Not just good movies either.  I love a good bad movie also.  Why do you think Nicolas Cage is one of my favorite actors.  I own more movies than a human being who doesn't run a Blockbuster should.  I've spent more money on movies than I probably should have and I'm sure if a South African family of four knew how much I spent yearly on movies, they'd be more than offended.  But, it's not the only love in my life.  I love baseball.  I've always loved baseball.  I'm a product of my father instilling America's pastime in me.  If I was given the choice of never seeing a movie again or never watching baseball again... I honestly don't know what I'd pick.  I love the game.  I love the slow methodical pace of the game.  I love pitching duels.  I love how every pitch has more thought put into it than a single Scary Movie film has ever attempted to muster.  I love the history of baseball.  So, needless to say, when I heard that a film about Jackie Robinson was coming out, I was excited.  The end result, while not insulting by any means, should've been better.

Jackie Robinson is one of the most important players in baseball history, if not the most important.  Together with Brooklyn Dodger's GM Branch Rickey (Harrison Ford), they broke the color barrier in sports allowing a "colored" player on a Major League team for the first time.  Jackie was met with constant ridicule and torment, he faced bigotry and violence from opposing teams and pitchers.  He was hand picked by Rickey because Rickey knew that no matter how difficult things got for Jackie, he'd be able to take a stand and turn the other cheek.  And, for the most part, Jackie was successful in this which led to more integration and baseball as we know it today-- colorblind.  If you're good enough to play in the big leagues... you play in the big leagues.  On one hand, writer/director Brian Helgeland, had a difficult and delicate task of recreating the events of Jackie's first year in the Majors, keeping moments as realistic as possible, not shying away from the unabashed racism that plagued Robinson's rookie year, while still trying to honor the memory and legacy of the man.  For the most part, he was successful.  Viewers have now been given a semi-accurate portrayal of Jackie Robinson and the hate surrounding his every at-bat.  Jackie Robinson was finally given his two hour moment for those not privy to his history a chance to honor him.

On the other hand, the script material was just a little too cheesy to accurately construct the world in which Robinson lived and played ball in.  Almost every line seemed like it was written for Morgan Freeman at the climax of every movie he's ever been in.  Every line is supposed to be deep and inspirational and somehow move the audience to take Jackie's side.  It tried just a little bit too hard to be that dramatic inspirational movie.  And it didn't have to.  Robinson's life experiences should've been able to speak for themselves.  But, behind every line was a pot of Velveeta with Kraft Singles on top.  Some of the dialogue was so over the top, it induced the highest caliber of eye-rolling.

I'm sure if Jackie Robinson himself had been able to view the film he certainly wouldn't have hated it.  The film was crafted with love and respect and filmed with the best of intentions.  This is clear.  But, Jackie may have had a thing or two to say about the way things really were back in his day.  That being said, the acting is fabulous.  Newcomer Chadwick Boseman is fantastic as Robinson.  He carries the weight of the film in his expressions alone.  I'm certain that there is nearly no one else who could've portrayed Robinson with as much adoration as was clearly evident in the film.  Harrison Ford also surprised me.  I thought he'd bring a certain cornball element to his performance, and while it was present to a certain extent, it was still an admirable execution.  Alan Tudyk, one of the best character actors around right now, also brought his A-game playing Phillies manager Ben Chapman, a proverbial racist thorn in Robinson's side which nearly brought him to the breaking point.  His scenes, while periodically difficult to watch, is the personification of the tribulations Robinson had to experience in his career.  Everyone else, though, came out like caricatures of racist ball players.  It's somewhat of a (pardon the pun) black and white film.  Either you're the redneck who don't play ball with negroes or you're the redneck with the heart of gold who don't mind as long as they can play good.  No one other than the aforementioned actors, brings any real humanity to the film.  They're simply there to create conflict or resolution for Jackie Robinson.

42 is a great Saturday afternoon special biopic of Jackie Robinson's life.  It's a perfectly adequate recreation of life "back in the day".  But is it the movie Jackie Robinson deserves?  Probably not.  To be honest, I'd rather just watch a Ken Burns documentary on the man.  But, because this is what we get, it does well enough to get its point across.  And if you know nothing about what Jackie Robinson has done for baseball, I highly recommend this film.  There's a reason the number 42 is the only number retired in all of baseball.  Just make sure you can handle the cheese, because once you walk out of the theater, while I'm sure you'll feel slightly moved by the film, you may feel a little lactose intolerant as well. 

B-

Jurassic Park: Still Not Yet Extinct

I love re-discovering films from my childhood and seeing how they sustain over time and stack up to how I viewed them when I was much younger.  While some are even better now that I can understand all of the subtle jokes and nuances of the characters aimed at making my parents laugh and going right over my little head (Heavyweights, Angels in the Outfield, Little Giants), others have lost the magic becoming nothing more than silly noises and juvenile humor (Good Burger, Space Jam, Super Mario Bros.).  So, how does Jurassic Park hold up after twenty years of CGI and technological advancements and Avatars?  Well, it's still pretty damn impressive.  While I will admit that I did not go see it in theaters or in 3D (I seriously cannot justify paying $18 dollars to see a movie I've already seen dozens of times) I did give it a re-watch on blu-ray.  I was worried that it wasn't going to be as great as it was seen through innocent child's eyes.  I was worried that the dinosaurs were going to look fake and robotic and all kinda Jaws-y.  I was worried that it wasn't going to be one of my favorite movies again.

Here's the best part, not only was it everything that I remember, it exceeded my expectations.  Yes.  There was so much I forgot about the film!  It's not just about dinosaurs!  There's people in it.  And Jeff Goldblum!  How could I forget about Jeff Goldblum!  (Seriously, where did Goldblum go?  He was like the pinnacle comic relief badass in 90s sci-fi/adventure movies.  Need I remind everyone of Independence Day?)  Newman from Seinfeld is in it!  And Samuel L. Jackson says, "Hold on to your butts!"  But wait!  There's more!  The dinosaurs look fucking real.  It's almost mind-boggling how it's been twenty years of computers, CGI, video games, fake shit looking like real shit and yet, the dinosaurs look as real as they did in 1993.  One thing I'll admit to anyone is I am adamantly against CGI.  I would have to say that 80 percent of the time when computer animation is used, it's lazy, unrealistic, and worsens whatever story it's supposed to be improving (I'm looking at you Van Helsing, Hulk).  15 percent of the time its used for such small detail that no one really notices.  But, 5 percent can really impress.  I do understand that without CGI, movies like The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter wouldn't exist, and if they did they'd probably be shit.  Some of the best CGI I've seen in recent memory is Peter Jackson's King Kong.  When time and effort is put into a very expensive and arduously long process of CGI, then I'll bite.  But, when it's thrown together quickly and effortlessly in order to mass produce another stale, mindless summer popcorn flick, that's when I lose my faith in science and humanity.  That isn't to say that good CGI is timeless either... I guarantee you twenty years from now King Kong looks like a video game.  We're not going to remember Transformers or probably to a lesser extent even The Avengers twenty years from now.  We're going to remember The Dark Knight or Pan's Labyrinth or Jurassic Park, films that took practical means to special effects and robotics to a whole new level.

It also helps that Stan Winston was a technical genius (rest in peace).  Without this man we wouldn't have the T-Rex, we wouldn't have Alien, which you still have to admit looking back looks real as shit.  Michael Chrichton was a master of his craft as well (rest in peace).  And Steven Spielberg (still alive) was still willing to direct something adventurous and magical and not pandering Oscar bait.  This is why I've always said and will continue to say that 90s movies TRUMP movies today.  Jurassic Park kills Transformers.  Austin Powers murders Scary Movie.  Dumb and Dumber will always be funnier than Superbad (I'm sorry).  And The Rock, Face/Off, Con Air, The Long Kiss Goodnight are better than any action movie made post 1999.  Something about the 90s, directors and writers knew how to tell a story.  If Jurassic Park were made today, chances are it would be a Michael Bay project or, perhaps, even a JJ Abrams produced vehicle, but I'm certain it wouldn't be about the story.  It would be about destruction and mayhem.  It would try to cram in as much special effects as bugetarily possible.  It would be about the dinosaurs and how many can fit into one moving picture.  Fun fact: in the two hours and seven minute running time, there are dinosaurs in exactly fifteen minutes of the film.  Why?  Oh, because it's not just dino-porn?  There still needs to be a story (I'm looking at you The Lost World)?   Not a half-dressed Megan Fox running next to a half-straight Shia LeBouf around an all-shitty Transformers set?  Shocked.  And awed.

I touched on it briefly, but this cast is stellar.  And it's sad because most of the cast has faded into entertainment obscurity.  Where is Sam Neill?  What is he doing and why has Dr. Grant been excommunicated from film?  Laura Dern?  Bit parts in The Master and Little Fockers?  Jeff fucking Goldblum??  Has this man seriously been relegated to the bullpen of sitcomedy?  Back in the day, though, this was the all-star team.  Only has The Avengers been able to put together a diverse group of (mostly) competent actors for a (almost) solid film.  Big budget movies still rock the cineplex.  People come out in droves for the newest three hundred million dollar film even though it doesn't really tend to expand the brain hardly at all.  But, back in the day, movies were like Jurassic Park which is the perfect cocktail of smart, educational, and exciting.  Now, I'm not saying that you should rush out and spend your hard-earned drug money on watching Jurassic Park while high for the fifteen hundredth time, but I can't say that I would blame you if you did.

A

Evil Dead: Chin-less Edition

I had a difficult movie watching experience ahead of me when the film began.  I was watching it not only as an avid fan of the original trilogy, but also as someone who "reviews" movies, as well as trying to separate myself from comparing every second to it's predecessor.  Here's why the original Evil Dead trilogy works so damn well: it's one of the most original horror movies ever made.  It's equal parts terrifying and hilarious.  Bruce Campbell brings a certain campiness to the film, while adding to the fun and terror sure to be had while watching it.  The way the first Evil Dead came about was a group of film students in the 70s made a horror movie, which to this day, is still one of the bloodiest movies I've ever seen.  It was incredibly low budget and every shot was done with practical means.  No CGI, no expensive locations, just a cabin in the middle of the woods and a few dedicated budding filmmakers.  It was directed by Sam Raimi (Spider-Man, Oz, Drag Me To Hell) who luckily, in college, was friends with aspiring actor Bruce Campbell.  The film was made, distributed, developed a cult following and became a hit.  So, what was the next logical step?  Well, to make the sequel, of course.  For any other filmmaker this might mean a story following up what happened to it's survivor.  But no.  If you're given a way bigger budget and a studio backing, why not try to make your film... again... but better?  That's exactly what happened.  So, Evil Dead 2 essentially remade the first film, with more money and better *cough* 80s effects for the first thirty minutes or so, then goes off on a completely separate, yet equally great and extremely [darkly] hilarious tangent.  To this day, Evil Dead 2 probably has one of the biggest cult followings of all time.  And this is the film that rocketed Bruce Campbell to B-movie stardom.  Then came the third and final film of the trilogy: Army of Darkness which is so ridiculous, to explain the plot would not only do it no justice, but might turn a few doubters away.  However, let me wholeheartedly state that the Evil Dead trilogy is one of my favorite trilogies of all time.

So, how does the remake stack up?  It's different.  I'll say that right off the bat.  Those looking for a straight up remake may be left a little disappointed.  The film is essentially humorless, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  Bruce Campbell's style of humor is definitely one-of-a-kind and not something a filmmaker should try to replicate.  Chances are that if the director had attempted to recreate the Ash character from the original three, the film would've suffered for it as its fans would long for Campbell's excellence.  So, what do you do when you don't have your staple character?  Try something new.  And new they did.  Instead of the now tired plot of five friends head to a desolate cabin to party and bang, end up summoning demons by reading out of the Book of the Dead and all end up being possessed and killed plotline... a new idea has emerged.  Now, the story revolves around four friends heading to their old cabin to help other friend Mia detox from her addiction to what appears to be heroin.  It ends up being the gnarliest Intervention of all time.  While the others think her craziness and paranoia have to do with her detoxing, it's really because some hippy nerd decided it would be a good idea to read from a book they found in the basement wrapped in barbed wire and surrounded by dead hanging cats.  Damn hippies.

What I respect about this version is that the filmmakers made it their own.  They didn't try to duplicate the magic of the original, they made their own magic.  They went for straight horror and ultra-gore and, sort of, strayed from the comedic elements of the film.  And while we didn't get any of this:

 And this certainly never happened in the new one:

It's probably for the best.  I'm not actually sure anyone in today's era would appreciate the kind of absurd, dark physical comedy that made the originals classic.  It was bittersweet because while I was enjoying the film, every time a scene would approach that I knew was going to happen, I longed for the original.  But, then I also realized that in this realm of Evil Dead, if Mia's hand became possessed and she chopped it off and it started crawling around trying to attack her, I think the movie would be utterly laughed at (and not in the way intended).  So, for once I can actually praise a studio and writers for doing something smart this year.  They realized what's "in" right now and what's not going to fly with young audiences.  I know that the packed midnight showing theater I was in, and by the reactions from the crowd, that I was probably the 1% in there that had actually even seen the original trilogy.  I'm not even sure how many viewers of the demographic this movie is targeted to even know of the original's existence.  

For those who haven't seen the original (which means I'm probably talking to all of you) the film will probably be exactly what you are looking for.  It's got a few jumps, it's incredibly creepy, and there's more blood and gore in it than I've ever seen in a theater.  But, for those lucky few who have had the honor and privilege of watching the first, don't worry, what it lacks in campiness and absurd dark humor, it makes up for in buckets of blood and plenty of homages to the original.  There's nods to almost everything significant in both Evil Dead 1 and 2: the chainsaw, the severed hand, the tree-rape (yes, you read that correctly), all of it, sadly, is sans the comedic elements that made the originals great.  

The moral of the story is, first off: go get the original three and watch them back to back to back before seeing this version.  Get ready to scream, cringe, and laugh yourself stupid.  Get to love them and appreciate them because, yeah, they don't have the best effects.  In fact, they're downright cheesy.  But, they're inventive.  Something I haven't seen since.  And when there's all the technology in the world right now, I yearned for the cheap make-up and 70s/80s effects, because while this one was WAY more realistic looking (which did add to the terror of the film) the originals were able to effectively blend camp and horror into its own genre that has yet to be repeated.  And while it sounds like I'm complaining, I'm really not.  Like I said, the filmmakers made the right decision.  Viewers would walk right out of the theater if they saw the effects of the originals.  But, what the originals lack in budget, they made up for in creativity.  So, honestly, which one do you prefer:

                       OR
                                                  

                               OR

For what it had to become to adapt to a new generation, Evil Dead succeeds.  It's also good enough to stand alone on it's own.  But, if you're like me, then it's going to be difficult to separate yourself from wanting the ambiance of the first film.  You long for one over-acted brilliantly voiced line from the man with the golden chin.  You will wish for one reference to a "boomstick".  But, you'll accept the fact that in the wrong hands this movie could've been way worse.  At the very least, you'll be able to see that the filmmakers share the same love for the originals as many of those out there.  It's definitely worth a look.

B

Admission: Safer Than An Airbag, Child Locks, A Rape Whistle, And A Crossing Guard Put Together

Admission is a bike helmet.  It's the password on your email.  It's checking your blind spot before merging.  It's a 12 pack of Trojan condoms, without ever using them.  It's driving with All-State.  It's a panic room.  It's using EHarmony instead of meeting someone in real life.  It's ordering a meal at a restaurant that you've had before instead of trying something new.  Admission is the safest movie you could go see.  I don't mean that you're not taking a chance by seeing it, because, well, you're not, I suppose.  But, at the hands of the writer/director/stars of the film took literally no chances to do something new.  And without such impressive star names like Paul Rudd and Tina Fey, this movie probably would've slipped in and out of theaters without so much as consideration from Joe Moviegoer.  Granted, it's doing pretty terribly in the box office, it's still not the worst thing out in theaters right now (Have you seen Tyler Perry's Temptation?).  Unfortunately, those involved with the film decided early on that they'd rather be safe than sorry good.

Admission tells the story of Portia Nathan, a Princeton Admissions Officer who runs into an old friend from college (Paul Rudd) who tells her of a brilliant aspiring college student she ought to put up for consideration, but might also be her son.  There's everything you'd expect of a reliable rom-com.  Of course, Portia is up for a big promotion and recommending this kid, who's had a not-so-stellar past, may prevent her from getting it.  She also has a boyfriend who she finds boring, but she meets Paul Rudd's character who is everything she's not.  She's a boring home-body, he's funny, outgoing and a world traveler.  Opposites attract, opposites clash, opposites separate, opposites reunite at the end.  Oops.  My bad.  Spoiler alert.  Seriously, that's how safe this movie is.  Now, I'm not saying it would've been a better movie if they hadn't gotten together at the end, but, with the talent put together to bring this film to fruition, you'd expect a bit more originality and punch.

I saw this movie a little less than a week ago and I'm having just a little bit of trouble remembering specifics.  I can't remember any jokes.  I can't remember any lines or moments that stood out.  But, I didn't hate it.  It was an hour and a half distraction from the real world, but nothing great enough to suck me into a new world.  The experience will probably go something like this: it begins, you're interested, you're wondering why you aren't laughing as much, you like Lily Tomlin as Tina Fey's mom, you find Paul Rudd's character a little strange, you realize the Michael Sheen/Tina Fey plotline is humorous, but stupid, you check your watch to see how much time is left, you start to predict each upcoming scene, you're almost entirely correct, you are happy to see that everything works out, you stand up at the closing credits, you briefly discuss that you thought it was 'cute', you put the movie out of your mind for a long time, you stop by a Redbox later this year, you can't remember if you saw Admission or not, you decide to pass.

There's certainly worse out there right now.  And if it's date night, why not take a chance to giggle and make out to something that won't ruin your budding relationship one night stand.  If you're a fan of seatbelts and oven mitts, you may actually find something magical about Admission, but if you like to live life on the edge, there may be a lot lacking for you here.

C