The Happytime Murders: A Muppet Of A Mess

While  it may seem like a good idea and the right time to bring forth to the masses an R-rated Muppet movie... it might not have been. That time might have already passed. I understand the desire for it. Look at what's popular right now - sequels, prequels, comic book adaptations, Star Wars and everything tentpole related. You know what studios are unfortunately not spending money making - comedies. There's only so much Thanos related destruction we can take before we wanna just sit back and watch a dirty R-rated comedy in the vein of Ted. So, when Jim Hensen's kid decides he wants to make a film noir/detective spoof with comedy kingpin Melissa McCarthy and foul-mouthed puppets... you say yes. There's a hook... there's something familiar for viewers to latch onto... and the R-rating makes the whole thing intriguing. Unfortunately, the film forgot the most important aspect - to be funny. The Happytime Murders, I'm sorry to say, is not a good movie. It's not worthy of your time or your money. But that doesn't mean that I hated it or even that I'm angry that I wasted my time seeing it. No, I'm not angry... I'm just disappointed.

Pulling off a niche comedy like The Happytime Murders is no easy feat. You want to go for the R... then go for the hard R, baby. Go balls out. Do anything and everything that warrants an R rating. Ted did a pretty decent job with this, but the best example I can think of is Team America: World Police. They went all-out batshit hard R. There's violence and blood and guts and bodily fluids and banging marionettes and foul language and something to say. They went for it. Had it just been a bunch of puppets dropping F-bombs, the joke would've run out very quickly as it does in The Happytime Murders. That's the problem with the film - it doesn't go balls out. It still plays like someone filming one joke for YouTube that somehow accidentally spanned 90 minutes. You've got a detective movie about a killer going around and offing puppets, yet there's no real violence in the film. Genre-crossing comedies like this succeed a whole lot more when they're able and willing to cross boundaries. Hell, even the recent The Spy Who Dumped Me threw in some hilariously graphic violence because the filmmakers of that movie know that toning down the action means cheapening the experience. The last thing you want to do is have the audience notice you watering down your movie because you don't have the stones to go all the way. But that's what happens with The Happytime Murders. The lack of stones means the movie and its action sequences are bloodless and humorless and lack any tension whatsoever.

The film follows Phil Phillips, puppet and disgraced cop turned Private Detective in a world where humans and puppets live together. He's hired by another puppet Sandra, who's being blackmailed and wants to find out who's behind it. During the search, a killer has been offing members of an old TV show The Happytime Gang, including Phil's brother. Phil must now join up with his ex-partner Connie (McCarthy) in order to find out who is killing these puppets off and why. Phil and Connie have somewhat of a difficult history as their partnership didn't end on good terms and the two are at each other's throats the entire time. Rounding out the cast is Maya Rudolph as Phil's bubbly assistant Bubbles, Leslie David Baker (Stanely from The Office) as Connie's Lieutenant, and Joel McHale as a dickhead FBI Agent. What could've been a really funny cast put into a hilariously crude idea of mixing puppets with humans (think in the vein of Who Framed Roger Rabbit), turns into nothing more than a good idea with a poor execution.

The film isn't without its merits. While it may not be very funny, it's not entirely a tragedy. McCarthy is still a delight to watch. She has the ability to make even the worst movies still somewhat enjoyable. Every time she was on screen, it gave me hope for the rest of the film. Hell, I don't know why they didn't hand her over the script and ask her to do a rewrite. It would've been a hell of a lot funnier than it wound up being. Maya Rudolph is also fantastic. Though she isn't given much to do, her presence, like McCarthy, makes any rotten scene much much more palpable. Finally, a lot of the puppets were visually funny. Most of the laughs illicted from myself came from a new puppet popping up and me chuckling at its quirky design or voice. However, this also made the movie that much more disappointing. You see a hilariously designed puppet, you expect it to make you laugh in the scene. And when it doesn't (as most don't), it feels like more of a let-down.

The puppets aren't given much to do other than say filthy things in a strange voice. Sure, I'd probably laugh if I heard Fozzie Bear say "I'll suck your dick for 50 cents", but if that's all I'd get for an hour and a half, is it really worth it? And that's where going further with pushing the envelope would've helped The Happytime Murders. The most offensive scene is the one that's already in the trailer - Phillips having puppet sex with a client and climaxing white silly string all over the room. Like that's LITERALLY as far as the film goes with it's raunchiness. Compared to the sex scene in Team America, the Happytime sex scene seems like Nickelodeon fodder. There were so many opportunities for comedy with each scene feeling like its leading up to something unfathomably funny, but just cutting to the next scene or fizzling out without a laugh. When I could start anticipating the jokes before they happened, that's when I realized the movie was just lazy, thinking it's using the idea of R-rated puppets as comedy, instead of a crutch.

The movie is just a misfire. It was a good idea that was certain to bring in the crowds looking for a high concept comedy at the end of a loud summer. But, it just didn't come together. The filmmakers relied on a singular joke (puppets saying dirty things) to make an entire movie funny and it wore out its welcome by the trailer. The trailer surprised us with filthy puppets, but the movie was just a lazy extension. I didn't hate seeing it because, like I said, I love McCarthy and her presence does make the movie seem better than I'm sure it still even is. But, if everyone was hoping this would open the floodgates for more R-rated Muppet movies, I think this project is dead on arrival.

D+

The Spy Who Dumped Me: A Movie Better Than Its Bad Title

I don't think the marketing people behind The Spy Who Dumped Me did a great job selling this movie for what it is. The trailers showcased a cheesy, watered down, PG-13 romp in the vein of the flop My Super Ex-Girlfriend. It looked like harmless fun that would provide a scarce handful of laughs that's better off being viewed on a Tuesday night after a long day at work. The title of the film does it no favors either. Sure, it's supposed to be a play on the James Bond film The Spy Who Loved Me, but the title parody has already been done by the far superior Austin Powers franchise. The title also doesn't accurately depict the essence of the film either. It's not a pun-based, family-friendly romantic-comedy-action romp. In fact, the movie was completely different than the marketing had led my expectations to become. And it was, in fact, a pleasant surprise.

Mila Kunis is Audrey. She's celebrating her 30th birthday and pining over her ex-boyfriend Drew (Justin Theroux) who just recently dumped her over a text message. There to pick up the pieces is her best friend Morgan (Kate McKinnon). What Audrey doesn't know - and very soon after her birthday finds out - is that Drew is actually a spy for the CIA. He's on the run, being hunted by a terrorist organization. When Drew shows up to Morgan's apartment, he gives Audrey a trophy telling her that there's something very important inside and she needs to get it to Vienna and give it to Drew's contact. Drew is killed and Audrey and Morgan, with the trophy in tote, are being hunted by the same organization. The two of them hop a flight to Vienna and accidentally find themselves as makeshift spies trying to save the world - and each other - before it's too late. This is where the adventure begins.

Much like 2015's Spy with Melissa McCarthy, The Spy Who Dumped Me doesn't hold back any punches. It's very much an R-rated buddy movie. But the dynamic between the two stars are what really hold the film together. First off, there's no strained conflict between the two of them that buddy movies so often put together. They're best friends - and they remain so throughout the film. The reason they find themselves in so much trouble so often is that the two of them are actually trying to accomplish the mission, even as "normal citizens". The other thing that really works about the film is that neither of them are inferior in a fight. There's no cowering and crying in the way that most male writers write women in distress. Whether it's a fist fight, a knife fight, or a gunfight - they always rise to the challenge. They're not experts, but they're not incompetent either. And writer/director Susanna Fogel has a lot of fun with the action. The gunfights are bloody, the fist fights are stylized, and it's actually a pretty capable spy movie. There's a lot of action and none of it is watered down. Fogel wants her audience to have a lot of fun, and for the most part, they will.

I've never really jumped on the Mila Kunis bandwagon. I've never found her particularly funny in almost anything she's ever been in (save for Forgetting Sarah Marshall). Her characters are usually the same and her voice is like an audible cheese grater, but here the obnoxiousness that I normally associate with her has been pretty toned down. She's very likable in the film and as a main character she's fine. But she's not the reason to see The Spy Who Dumped Me, it's McKinnon all the way. She's never bad in anything, but here she's given a co-lead role and she soars with it. She had our entire sold-out theater rolling on the floor in stitches nearly every scene she was in. I've been waiting for someone to write her a well-rounded and hilarious role and Fogel has done a damn good job with it. Had it not been for her, I don't know if I would've given this movie the time of day, but I'm definitely glad I did. Now, someone just needs to give her starring roles so we can get over-saturated by McKinnon and NEVER EVER tire of her.

The movie is a lot more fun and certainly a lot funnier than it should've been. Sure, it's not a perfect movie. The espionage plot line is definitely on the more simplistic side (it's no Mission: Impossible), and the third act is a lot weaker than the first two and a lot of the comedy is lost by then, but it's still a good buddy movie to see that almost everyone will enjoy. There's comedy. There's action. There's plot twists and turns. There's even some great cameos. And to top it off, it's just nice to see women directors doing comedy with women actors and showing the doubting world that these movies are just as funny and make just as much money as movies that feature a full sausage fest cast. Trust me. Put whatever expectations you have for this movie out of your mind because it will exceed them tenfold. You will laugh harder and more often than the trailers suggest you will and the writing is much better than the title hints at. The Spy Who Dumped me is the perfect film to cap a long and big season of summer movies.

B-

Slender Man: The Pluto Nash Of Horror Movies

I feel like I need to explain myself whenever I make a bad movie decision. Right now - August 11th - Movie Pass is on its last legs. It has changed its service from a movie a day for $9.99 to 3 movies a month for the same price. This goes into effect on August 15th. So, seeing as how I see more movies than probably any of you reading this - I'm going to abuse the last days of my movie/day deal. This, however, includes me seeing movies that I wouldn't normally see - which just so happens to be Slender Man. Okay. Now that that's out of the way, I want to take the rest of this paragraph to share my utmost respect for Slender Man's director Sylvain White and writer David Birke. I give the two of you the most emphatic standing ovation. Why? Because here I am - for the last twelve years trying to become a writer. I've written over a dozen scripts, each time trying to hone my craft and make something worthy of Hollywood's attention and money. I constantly re-write. I'm always doing research and character outlines and making sure my attention to detail when it comes to my screenplays is as crisp and perfect as humanly possible. But you guys... you guys didn't do any of that. You wrote and directed a movie that showcased just how little you care about not just the story, but anyone witnessing it. You've haphazardly collected a bunch of words on what I can only assume was written in crayon on the back of a box of crackers and called it a script. You cast a bunch of people you duped with money and filmed them with one direction - "look scared and I don't give a shit what else you do." You conned production companies to give you money and mass produce your busted anal fissure of a movie. You must be the two most brilliant figures in Hollywood and have shown me the light. I've failed thus far because I've cared too much. You've succeeded by giving the same amount of energy toward your Hollywood careers as a three year old does at passing a quantum physics test. So, as much as I want to tell you both to go eat an entire bag of stale dick-sliders with a side of fries... instead, you get my respect and applause.

You've all heard of the Slender Man myth, right? It started on some two-bit hack-ass website (something about Creepy Pasta) featuring blurry photos and drawn pictures of a tall scary dude with long arms and no face. The pictures themselves were unsettling, but what really brought the myth of the American forefront was the real life event of two young girls (who have now been diagnosed with severe mental illnesses) who took their friend out into the woods and stabbed her multiple times because they thought Slender Man told them to do so. Now, Hollywood has cashed in on this creature, constructing a film out of a picture and bunch of sad assholes on the internet lending their mythos to the story. It's not a bad idea. I mean, it's a creepy idea. And there's plenty of internet fodder out there to use in constructing something truly terrifying. However, this would've had to have been done by someone with any talent or drive and we already know White and Birke simply scoff and piss all over insinuations of "talent". Why do any research or try to figure out what actually scares people in 2018 when you can vomit consonants and vowels onto a crusty used paper bag and call it a script? Because the truth is, when it comes to the Slender Man movie - there is no story. There are no characters. And there sure as hell aren't any scares.

Make no mistake here, folks. It's hard to not give a shit as hard as these two fucking bozos don't give a shit. Because when you make a bad horror movie, 9 times out of 10 you make a great comedy. There's a reason Happy Death Day and Truth or Dare did so well at the box office - it's not because they're engaging scary movies. It's because they're so bad, they're hilarious. Slender Man doesn't even have the common fucking decency to be so-bad-it's-funny. It's so utterly lazy and pointless that you can't even laugh at it. Most lazy horror movies rely on "jump scares" in order to keep your attention. White and Burke say "fuck that nonsense... we're not even going to attempt to scare you, even in cheap ways! Taste our asses!" Like, it's crazy how hard they work to NOT scare the audience. And I'm not talking about me, a 30-year-old horror movie fan. I'm talking I could show this movie to an entire theater of 8-year-olds and even they'd be demanding their hard-earned milk money back (if they hadn't fallen asleep first).

Slender Man is legitimately one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I don't use that phrase lightly, but I also mean it wholeheartedly. I could blame it on studio interference because the first trailer of the film shows nearly a minute's worth of scenes that aren't even in the movie. But, it wouldn't matter. All that would change about the film is its 93 minute run time (which feels like spending nearly eight years of your life in the middle of the desert with only Cholula to drink) would be even longer and my thoughts of suicide would only get stronger. There's nothing to latch onto in the film. Birke writes teenage girls the way he THINKS teenage girls talk and act - which of course is the complete opposite of the way teenage girls talk and act. You need proof of this - there's actually a scene where a teenage girl... in high school... goes to the library to research a book (Google apparently doesn't exist), gets frightened, pulls out her phone and DIALS HER FRIEND'S NUMBER FROM MEMORY. I don't even know my own mother's phone number by heart, and I can't remember that last time I physically dialed someone's phone (that, and she only dials six numbers - seven numbers would've expressed an effort for accuracy that simply doesn't exist). They also give Slender Man absolutely nothing to do. The reason he's so creepy on the internet is that he's blurred in the background of old-timey pictures. Seeing the dude in clear view doesn't do him any justice. So how is he supposed to creep you out in the movie? Well here's a list of some things Slender Man has the ability to do: He can make the wood from trees in the forest creak semi-loudly, he can move under doors in shadow, he can imitate the voices of the girls, he can make a short hallway... look like a long hallway, and... AND... he can SKYPE. This motherfucker actually SKYPES these chicks... TWICE!

The effort White and Birke put into the film is more than insulting, but they have gotten a film into the mainstream. They know the secret and when you're the one with your ass in the seat watching their cinematic equivalent of nut cancer, the joke is apparently on you - and me. So, for only the second time in the six year run of Big Peck's Cineplex, Slender Man has earned itself an...

F

BlacKkKlansman: A Spike Lee Joint Worth Exploring

It's been a solid minute since we've seen a Spike Lee joint hit theaters. The only two in the last decade to even reach were the 2015 sleeper Chi-Raq and the disappointing 2013 Oldboy remake - which just seemed a little bit outside of Lee's wheelhouse. However, his return to the big screen couldn't have been at a more apt time with a more apt story to tell. To Lee's credit, almost all his films have had racial commentary peppered throughout. Some it's subtle (but not many) and the rest are built on this entire foundation. In BlacKkKlansman his message is still the same, but the realization here is how truly upsetting that idea is. Through his usage of dark comedy and tension, Lee has been able to not only tell a great story, but use a story from over 40 years ago to stress that the world, in fact, hasn't changed at all.

Lee presents the story of Ron Stallworth (John David Washington), the first black police officer in Colorado Springs who, with the help of his Jewish partner Flip Zimmerman (Adam Driver), infiltrates the Colorado chapter of the KKK. Ron goes undercover as... Ron Stallworth, a white, racial epithet spewing man in desperate hopes of becoming a KKK member. Through the phone, Ron cons the president of "The Organization" into getting a meeting. However, being that he is African-American, he uses Flip as his body-double of sorts to get in with the group. Once inside, the two of them collect info, ruin dozens of cross-burning attempts, and foil plans of violence against a group of black college protestors.

It's an intriguing story from the get, but Lee has added his own flavor to the film. What could've been a paint-by-numbers structured biopic, has become an enjoyable film ripe with humor, despair, and tension. Washington (who is the spitting image - in both look and voice - of his younger father, Denzel) is wonderful in the film. He's perfectly cast as Ron who is young enough to go for the big mission, yet naive enough to accidentally use his real name. Washington breathes real life into the character who feels authentic in his portrayal of a straight-edge rookie cop with big aspirations of taking down all the bad guys. There's certainly a 70s blaxploitation aesthetic to the film, but it never feels disingenuous and Washington plays a big part of this. I've also really started to come around on Adam Driver (since his stint in the Star Wars films and especially his role in Logan Lucky) and he doesn't disappoint here either. While the two men portray the same "fictional" person, neither of them attempt to act as the other or even try and sound like the other. While watching the film, it was a bit jarring that they didn't do this - however, after some reflection I realized this is more an indictment of the Klansmen and their hate-fueled blindness of reality. The two sound nothing alike and the only character who ever distrusts Flip, only does it because he's a genuinely paranoid person.

Topher Grace (yes, you read that right) pops up as David Duke, the Grand Dragon and anal wart of the KKK. He's portrayed as an utter boob, and Grace does a great job, but even he doesn't feel like a caricature. None of the Klansmen are either. While it would've been really easy (and lazy) to portray these men as anything but hateful backwater hicks, Lee has also given them some humanity as well. Not so that you can necessarily understand their views, but so you can see that even the most normal "God-fearin" men (and women) can have the most evil in their hearts. Lee is able to weave these characters into a biting social commentary that will make you chuckle as often as it makes you squirm. A lot of the movie is fun and even has a bit of a buddy-cop feel to it - one that you expect to end with a freeze frame of Ron and Flip high-fiving, but unfortunately, that's not how the real world works. The ending of the movie is nothing short of heart-breaking. Not because everything goes wrong and everyone is killed (they're not), but because of the revelation that nothing in this country involving racial tolerance has hardly changed at all.

The film is wholly engrossing and tragic. It should be watched by everyone, but understand that while you may have some fun in certain parts of the film - this is not an easy movie to watch, nor is it any easier to digest. It's the perfect movie for the time and paired with Sorry to Bother You, we've got some artists right now who are really opening eyes in clever and creative and artistic ways to those who may be uninformed or close-minded. BlacKkKlansman is a triumph for Spike Lee and a very necessary movie for these trying times. However, I recommend making this movie a double feature. Because once you're done with the film - emotionally drained and exhausted - you'll need something like The Meg to distract you from the real evil still happening in the world today.

A

The Meg: Mega-Jaws VS. Regular-Statham

I was actually fortunate enough to go to an advanced screening of The Meg way back in July of 2017, so over a year ago (back when the movie was only called Meg... the The is a relatively new addition). I made sure to write this up back then so that the movie was still fresh in my mind (don't worry Warner Bros., I only posted it when the movie came out so I didn't violate your precious Non-Disclosure Agreement). Now, when I saw the film, it wasn't entirely completed. The script was, the story was, the music was... but not all of the animation was. So, the experience I had was probably even better than the one you will have with this movie. Not only did I get to see Jason Statham battle a gigantic prehistoric shark, but I also got to see Jason Statham with his most serious face and acting chops, battle an unfinished, pixelated, cartoon shark for part of the film. Either way, this movie is going to be immediately labeled "just another Statham action film"... and even though it IS that... it's also much, much better than that.

As I'm sure you do know by now, I have a bias toward Jason Statham. And while most of his movies range from bad to mediocre, a simpleton like myself still finds his films wildly entertaining, though I recognize they're not exactly "good" in the traditional sense. What's normally lacking in your standard Statham fare is depth and good writing. Characters are surface-level at best and we are to just accept them for who we are told they are. And, other than Statham's characters, the writing for everyone else (including dialogue) is generally sub-par to laughably bad. I'm generalizing here, but this seems to be the trend. So, when I heard about The Meg, I was nothing but excited... and when I got to see an advanced screening for free, I was ecstatic. But the expectations for this film was like my expectations for all Statham films - enjoy the moments Statham's on screen and eye-roll anyone else trying to take the spotlight. Thankfully, much to my pleasant surprise, it isn't like that at all. Everyone held their own, the writers actually contributed to the depth and characterization of other characters besides Statham, and the movie itself is just clever enough to be very, very fun.

The Meg is the melting pot of all of the best scenes in all of your favorite shark attack movies. It's not a new story, but it is so cleverly constructed that it really does feel like an original film. Jason Statham plays Jonas Taylor, an ex-Naval Captain brought in by a Chinese billionaire to dive down to the bottom of the Mariana Trench and save three divers trapped in a submersible. However, down in the depths of the ocean lies the Megaladon, a massive, 90-foot, prehistoric shark that these so-called "scientists" have accidentally freed from his icy, bottom-of-the-ocean cell. This leads to Taylor not only having to save the ones who are trapped, but now he has to save the ones who aren't... leading up to a kick-ass battle of shark vs. Statham. Along with Statham, there's a very diverse cast of characters ranging from his ally Mac (Cliff Curtis), a brilliant engineer Jaxx (Ruby Rose), the billionaire who's funding the operation Jack (Rainn Wilson), an expert diver Suyin (Bingbing Li) and her adorable little daughter Meiying (Shuya Sophia Cai) who steals every scene she's in.

Shark attack movies have made somewhat of a resurgence with 2016's The Shallows, 2017's 47 Meters Down, and now with The Meg. What writers are having to do now because it is such a niche genre, is that they have to be able to capitalize on the film by making as much money as possible, so slapping a PG-13 rating on it allows for a broader audience... but a less gory film. So, instead of relying on the shark attack gore, we're getting movies that go back to the roots of the Godfather of shark attack movies, Jaws. These movies now are more and more about the thrills of the shark attack, the anticipation of when the shark will arrive, and so forth, but by essentially eliminating the gore that has been a staple of the genre for years. The good news is that The Meg is actually quite thrilling. There were several moments where I felt my heart pounding in my chest fearing the sudden appearance of the megaladon (and I wasn't even sure if the shark I was about to see had its animation finished yet or not). The movie is also a lot of fun. Most of the characters have a wonderful chemistry together which lends to moments that are genuinely funny. It's weird though, the only characters that I felt didn't have much chemistry are Statham and Li. They're the central male and female leads of the film (and of course there's a bit of a forced romance happening between them... that doesn't get too out of hand), but I just didn't feel any passion, any heat from either of them toward the other. It's evident they're getting together... because the script suggests that they should. While their "romance" is somewhat distracting, the one character who steals the show is little Meiying. She's only about eight years old, but she's one of the rare child characters who is finally written well. It's not easy to have an 8-year-old comic relief, but Meiying rivals Jonathan Lipnicki's Jerry Maguire comic relief. She has great banter with Statham, is a very smart character, and whadaya know... actually necessary for the plot of the film and not just some annoying kid inserted into to the film so we empathize with her mother. The cast of characters are very well-rounded and the film doesn't fall into stereotypical shark-attack-ensemble with no depth.

Another element to the film that the writers did well was how creative they were with each scene. It was evident that they did their homework (I mean, one of the dudes who wrote this movie wrote Zodiac, so you know he's got some chops) and watched the very best shark attack movies. We have an ensemble cast working on a station in the middle of the ocean which is attacked by the shark (a la Deep Blue Sea), we've got characters taking a boat out to the ocean to lure in the shark and kill it (a la Jaws), we've got people swimming in the ocean terrorized by the shark (a la Open Water/The Reef). Except, it doesn't feel like we've watched this movie before because it's not just a regular shark we're afraid of and the "plans" these characters come up with to take out the shark are a lot more clever and high tech than we've ever seen in a shark attack film before. It could've easily fallen into lazy Statham action movie, but the film reaches for better. I still believe that the PG-13 hinders the movie and it could've been a lot more fun if the studio and director went balls-out with the giant shark attacks, but with a 150 million dollar budget, you don't take any chances of ostracizing a single ticket-buyer. What I'm trying to say is that The Meg is a lot better than what you're anticipating and expecting. The areas that you believe are going to fall short and come off as particularly weak are, in fact, much better. The other areas you believe that are going to be badass.... are, in fact, badass. At the end of the day, this movie is essentially just Jason Statham vs. the shark, so don't worry about there not being enough Statham (there's plenty) or there not being enough shark (there's enough) or there not being an epic mano y mano Statham/shark fight at the end (because there definitely is). For a shark attack movie in the middle of the summer, it could've been a lot worse, and... actually, I don't know if it even could've been much better. If you're even somewhat interested by the genre, The Meg is not a movie to miss. I know I'm going out to see it again... this time I hope with completed shark effects.

B