Glass: Shyamalan Loses Focus, Turns A Great Idea Into An Utter Mess

Glass was born of two very big surprises - Unbreakable and Split. Unbreakable was M. Night Shyamalan's follow up to The Sixth Sense. Most people didn't know how to respond to it. It was Shyamalan. It was Bruce Willis. It had a twist ending. But it wasn't scary. It wasn't horror. It wasn't The Sixth Sense so it was easily dismissed. However, Unbreakable has aged far better than The Sixth Sense ever has, now becoming heralded as Shyamalan's best movie. Split was a surprise that Shyamalan was still allowed to continue making movies. He put out one atrocity after another until most fans swore him off completely. The Village, The Happening, The Last Airbender, After Earth all pretty much solidified his demise from Hollywood. But then a tiny, little, independent, found-footage movie called The Visit came out showcasing that Shyamalan may still have a little left in the tank. He hadn't earned our trust back yet, but it was a step in the right direction. Then came Split. It was classic Shyamalan. It was creepy, it had a slow build, it was very character-based, and it was damn good. M. Night was back, baby! And when we found out this was in the same universe as Unbreakable - holy shit! It wasn't long after that he announced a sequel to both films that would be the culmination of a trilogy - this time focusing on villain Mr. Glass. And unfortunately, while it looked like The Visit and Split were two very positive steps forward, Glass is the regrettable one step back.

There's a lot of potential and a lot going for Glass that Shyamalan missteps several times over. It begins several months, maybe even years after the events of Split. Kevin, also known as The Horde, (James McAvoy) is still on the loose kidnapping teenage girls and killing them. He's got four cheerleaders chained to a pipe in an abandoned warehouse with everyone looking for them. David Dunn (Bruce Willis) is still the silent vigilante, out punishing assholes for misdeeds, with the help of his son, Joseph. When David tracks down The Horde and frees the girls, he and "The Beast" have their fight before they're interrupted by police and Dr. Ellie Staple (Sarah Paulson) and taken to a psychiatric hospital where Elijah Price, aka Mr. Glass, (Samuel L. Jackson) has been for the past few years. Ellie's job is to convince these men that their superpowers are nothing but delusions of grandeur. She has three days to get them to realize they don't have powers at all, but are men who have experienced some luck along the way and the very phenomena that convinced them they were "special" can all be explained away. However, while she's enacting her plan, Elijah is silently planning one of his own. He wants to recruit The Beast to get them out of the hospital, fight David in a very public setting, and show the world that Superheroes (and villains) do exist.

That right there is a pretty solid idea for a third movie. I'm not sure I would've gone the route of locking these three wonderful characters up in a single building for most of the movie, unable to interact and roam free, but it's still not a bad IDEA for a third film. But it's just a complete mess. There's so much going on, Shyamalan loses track of all of it and it becomes a weird slushie of ideas, most of which should've been scrapped after the first draft of the script. There's too much going on in the movie and none of it makes much sense. And the stuff that does make sense is too underwhelming. The description of the plot above does and does not actually portray the actual plot of the movie. While all of the events above DO occur... they're, again... underwhelming. Most of the movie the three are separated, only interacting with Ellie as she explains to each of them why they've come to the hospital. Then, her "convincing them" session is one scene long. Maybe ten minutes of the entire two plus hour runtime. In one session... ten minutes... she manages to make both Kevin and David believe they might not actually be superheroes. Then, in an even shorter scene, Elijah is able to convince Kevin and The Beast to join his side. Elijah, as we've seen in Unbreakable, is a master at manipulation, and yet it takes him (by his own admission in the movie) about three to four minutes of convincing and manipulating Kevin to take his side. Shyamalan, in his best movies, does a lot of things right, and one of which includes never rushing his stories and his characters. He builds and builds and builds slowly until it culminates into something brilliant and jaw-dropping. Here, everything is rushed. He's trying to do too much. And it winds up being a big mess.

The other thing that happens constantly in the film is that Shyamalan gives the viewer a lot of promises that he fails to deliver on. Glass was promised to be Mr. Glass's movie. If Unbreakable was David's movie and Split was Kevin's movie, this one was to be devoted to the inner workings of evil genius Mr. Glass. And yet... the dude doesn't speak until over an hour in! He's faking being in a comatose state and we get nothing but little face twitches and blinks. Then, all of a sudden, he's up and ready to control Kevin. That entire hour could've (and should've) been Mr. Glass slowly manipulating the many personalities of Kevin. Earning their trust. Putting their distrust on Ellie or David or the world in general. We should've been able to watch the evil and the genius of Mr. Glass over that hour. Not over three minutes and a bunch of quick, confusing explanations of how he's faked being over-drugged. The scene with Ellie convincing them they're not special should've been the other part of that hour. These men have lived most of their lives knowing they've got these "powers", but one single sit-down with a doctor telling them they're crazy shouldn't immediately put doubt in their minds. It would take several sessions, slowly breaking them down little by little to the point where they actually wonder if they've got these abilities or not. But that's what happens and it strains credulity to the point of utter frustration for the viewer. Another promise Shyamalan doesn't deliver is a climax. Elijah's plan after escape involves getting to the grand unveiling of the largest skyscraper in Philadelphia. He's going to plant a bomb and release The Beast. David is to fight The Beast and stop Elijah and the bomb so the whole world can see what they're made of. Yet, it never gets to the big, epic showdown. The entire climax of the movie happens on the front lawn of the hospital and it's, once again... severely underwhelming.

For those of you who know Shyamalan's work... I'm not upset because there wasn't a big Marvel-esque showdown at the end. That's not his style. And I never expected it. I wasn't expecting a bloated CGI superpower climax... but I was expecting SOMETHING. I expected the equivalent of a showdown, but in Shyamalan's own quiet, reserved, but clever way. And it wasn't delivered. Then, in true Shyamalan fashion, a couple of twists are revealed. One of them is pretty clever, but the other was kind of eye-rolling, and a bit predictable. But it didn't have to be. If Shyamalan had delivered on his other promises, it would've felt earned and it would've made Glass feel like the previous films - an instant classic. But it's all just too messy. I haven't even gotten to the part where Anya Taylor-Joy, the abducted girl who escaped at the end of Split, keeps showing up because she's got some weird Stockholm Syndrome thing happening and she wants to destroy The Beast, but help Kevin... I dunno. It's like Shyamalan couldn't focus on a singular idea for each of these guys, so he threw them all together hoping they'd all work instead of work together to produce a cohesive and brilliant narrative instead of actively working against the film. Shyamalan works so much better when he's got a singular central focus for a movie. Movies like The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable and Signs and Split. When he starts to get too convoluted and try to do too much are when his movies ultimately fail (The Village, Lady in the Water, The Last Airbender, After Earth, Glass).

The shining light on the movie, however, is its stellar cast. Bruce Willis, while not given hardly anything to do in the movie, is great as the stoic David. Samuel L. Jackson, who should've been given much more to do as well, shows us why he's still one of the greatest actors of our time. He IS Elijah, and if there's anyone who can convince me it only takes three to four minutes to turn someone to his side it's going to be Sam J. McAvoy steals the show once again as Kevin and his Horde. He's so good, Shyamalan gives us even more of his identities and allows McAvoy to transition from one to another to another seamlessly in a single shot. Each of these identities has their own voice, their own quirk, their own facial tick and even though we're just looking and McAvoy, each time he switches he makes it feel as if a brand new actor came in to portray the character. Willis, Jackson, and McAvoy all look like they're having a blast playing these characters again, but are just a little too subdued because they don't have enough to do. The meeting of David and The Beast should've been epic (again, not Marvel epic... Shyamalan epic), but it wasn't. It's some pushing... some shoving... some groaning... some grunting... and that's about it. The ending-ending of the film actually really upset me, but I'll save that for another discussion because I don't want to get into spoiler area just yet.

Glass is the movie equivalent of me building a piece of furniture I have to put together myself. It's got all the right components to come together and make something beautiful. But, because there's so many pieces and so much going on (and I'm an inept human being), I put something on backwards, something in the wrong place, and punched a hole through it... it became something much lesser than it should've been and disappointed everyone who has to look at it.

C-

Replicas: I Watch Movies So You Don't Have To

So, this will be a first for the blog. I have decided not to spend any energy on reviewing this absolute catastrophe of a film, but instead I'm going to spoil the everloving shit out of it. I don't care. And I know you don't care, either. You either have never heard of Replicas or you weren't fuckwitted enough to want to see it. I didn't even want to see it. And... let's clear this up right now... I did NOT go see this movie. I found it online by accident and watched it at home for a laugh with a sick wife. I pay $20/month to get three free movies at an AMC theater and I'd rather pay the money and see nothing than use this film as one of my three. So, without further adieu... here is what you're missing with Replicas.

So, Keanu is Bill. He's a scientist working for a company called BioSomething. He's been working on an algorithm to transfer the thoughts and memories and every part of a person's brain and consciousness into a robot. He's about to boot up test subject 354 into a robot that looks so utterly ridiculous, even video gamers would complain how shitty the robot looks:

It's like you described the robot from I, Robot to a blind person and had them design what you described on a computer from 1994. Anyway, they bring in a dead soldier - because that's what he's trying to do, save dead soldiers - and they transfer his consciousness to the robot. But, once the dude realizes he's a robot... he freaks out and starts ripping out his own face. Another test failed. Sad Keanu.

Keanu's boss tells him he has one last chance to get it right or he's going to shut Keanu down. Keanu goes home to his family. His hot wife, his son, his older daughter and his youngest daughter. They're about to take a family vacation. Keanu's co-worker Thomas Middleditch (that dude from Silicon Valley) comes over to...uh... watch the family fish while they're away? (I'm not making that up.) So, the family departs, but on the way, there's some bad weather and Keanu hits a tree that impales his wife and sends him off the road. Instead of just hitting the brakes like a normal human would do, Keanu lets the car careen into a river where the rest of his children drown. He has to pull them from the wreckage. In a moment of panic, Keanu gets out his phone. He does not call the police or do anything remotely legal. Since he does science good, he knows there's another option - call his co-worker and the two of them can clone his family.

Co-worker shows up, questions the morality of the situation for like two seconds, then the two of them take the bodies to Keanu's garage. Co-worker brings him pods to grow clones out of. Only... there's three pods. That's it. Only three. But there's four people. But three pods. Keanu wrestles with this internally and decides there's only one possible way he can figure out who to save and who to leave fucking dead - put names into a bowl. He selects hot wife (obvs), older son and older daughter. Young daughter has to go. He also figures that instead of having to explain to hot wife how there was only a limited amount of pods and little daughter had to stay dead, he would just wipe their memories that little daughter even existed in the first place. Don't think too hard about the fact that there are a myriad of people in the world who would know about this girl's existence (doctors, extended family members, the government). As long as his wife and kids forget here - he's in the clear. And so goes growing his family back over a seventeen day period.

In the meantime, Co-worker reminds Keanu that there's other people in the world who will realize that his family is missing for seventeen days. So, Keanu gets out all the tech - computers and cell phones. He tells the principal he's decided to home school his kids. He tells his kids' friends that they can't come out because they're grounded. He discovers his daughter has a bae named Juan and winds up telling Juan she's grounded until she's 18 bc Juan wants to smash. Anyhoo, he brings the family back. They wake up and everything is normal. The end. Except not the end at all. Keanu hasn't really wiped out the memory of youngest daughter as things start to come back to the family - things like there was once a bunkbed in older daughter's room... son remembers there being extra pictures of someone on the wall... hot wife remembers name of daughter. But before they can hash out the fact that Keanu literally wiped the memory of a fucking human daughter person... Keanu's boss shows up and interrupts dinner.

He reveals that he knew what Keanu was doing all along and let it happen because Keanu doesn't actually work at a BioSomething company - it was just a front for - uh... nefarious shit? Boss wants Keanu's algorithm, and for him to say goodbye to his family before he kills them for good. Goons show up to the house to kill them and Keanu and family manage to escape. But, after a very lackluster and boring car chase, the goons get the family. So, Keanu decides to imprint his own brain into the robot. The robot comes to life and talks just like Keanu (don't think too hard about how vocal cords are what make our voices sound like us and not our brains). Robo-Keanu stops the bad guys and regular Keanu makes a deal with his boss. If boss lets them escape, he'll let Robo-Keanu stay with him and make him tons of money doing... nefarious science shit? Boss agrees. Regular Keanu and family escape to the beach and he winds up bringing back youngest daughter because he apparently found another pod to grow her in, but didn't have this pod last time, but now has the pod this time because reasons. The last shot of the movie is boss leading a sick, old, rich dude in Dubai into a room to promise him a new opportunity at life. He reveals his business partner - Robo-Keanu... who, no joke... wears a fucking three piece suit.

Replicas is a dumb as balls movie from dumb as balls people. John Wick has really been a godsend to both us as audience members and Keanu in revitalizing his career. But, he really has to stop making movies like Replicas if he doesn't want to fade back into obscurity once the John Wick movies are really done (I hope they never are). I love me some Keanu, but damn if this movie isn't three shits to the wind stupid. Don't bother with it. But I don't have to tell you that - you weren't going to see it anyway.

D-

The 10 Best and Worst Movies of 2018

 2018. What can we say about the films of 2018? They weren't exactly great and they weren't exactly very memorable. I surveyed a few people to ask them what their favorite movie was of last year and all of their responses were: "what came out last year?' 2017 was an exceptional year for movies, so naturally 2018 was going to be lackluster. (This means 2019 is going be killer.) The biggest problem I found in compiling the list this year is that even though I did see quite a few very good movies... I never saw one that stood out better than the rest. I've ordered this list several times now and there is no clear-cut #1 movie. I looked around the internet at various magazine lists of the best movies of 2018 and they all have different movies on the list, different movies ranked at number one, etc. There was just no obvious standout for number one. Nearly every movie on my list of ten could've been the best of the year because they were all equally good. But, unlike the last six years of making this list, picking the best movie of the year wasn't easy. The worst movies of the year were. Again, I stayed away from a lot of the obviously bad movies of 2018, so if you don't see one on here that you hated, chances are I didn't see it. (Films like: Fifty Shades Freed, I Feel Pretty, Overboard, Life of the Party, Gotti, Uncle Drew, The Darkest Minds, Night School, Robin Hood, Mortal Engines). There were also a few of the good movies I never got to see, either. Unfortunately, I missed out on Can You Ever Forgive Me? The Ruth Bader Ginsberg film On the Basis of Sex is taking its sweet time to make it to theaters. And, I know I should be better about this... I still haven't been able to watch Roma. It looks like a movie that demands my patience. I can give that in a theater. It's hard to muster at home. I'll watch it and amend the list accordingly, if necessary. But for now... here are the Best and Worst movies of 2018 according to me.


The TOP 10 BEST FILMS of 2018:


10. The Hate U Give

 










I was unfortunately unable to catch this one in theaters and didn't even get to do a proper review for the movie. But, I watched it last week and was blown away. This movie went very under-the-radar for most people. It had a quiet theatrical run and didn't make a ton of money - a movie that should've made more money than half of the releases in 2018. It's about a young girl in high school who watches her childhood friend killed by a cop at a routine traffic stop. It's not just a powerful, timely and poignant movie, it's a movie that should be required viewing for every living soul in this country. The performances are amazing, the movie is harrowing and heartfelt, and it gives the viewer plenty of thinking to do after. And while it's not an easy movie to watch by any means, it is a very good movie.


9. Mission: Impossible - Fallout

 










I toyed with making this one an "Honorable Mention" rather than putting it on the list of only ten. But then I watched it again, and my god... get away from the fact that the Mission: Impossible franchise is six movies deep, and get away from the fact that Tom Cruise is a Scientology nutbag and you start to realize just how good these movies are. Not only are they the best spy movies around (and have been for the better part of two decades), but they're one of the rare franchises that keeps getting better with each entry. Mission: Impossible: Fallout is just a fun and incredibly entertaining movie. It's well-written, it's well-directed, it's well-acted. It's funny, it's thrilling, and it's a movie that serves as a definition for why people like to go to the movies. So, by those standards, it really was one of the ten best movies of 2018.
Review HERE.


8. Hereditary

  










A24 is killing it with original horror content, but they're doing it in a different way. They're not doing it in a commercial Blumhouse way. They tell different, unconventional horror stories. Ones that don't necessarily appeal to the masses. There's no jump scares, there's no obvious twist endings. These are movies that are full of tension and scare you not just while you watch, but stick with you for a long time. It's been several months since I saw Hereditary and the movie still lingers in the back of my mind. It's one of the most horrific and disturbing movies I've ever seen - in a good way. It's a wonderful movie that not a lot of mainstream audiences are going to connect with or even enjoy, but I still urge everyone to see it if you think you can handle it (you won't). Toni Collette should be nominated for an Oscar for her performance as she's fantastic in it. It's also one of these movies that you have to watch more than once. With each new viewing, you catch something new and the story comes even more into focus and you realize just how genius the film really is.
Review HERE


7. Bad Times at the El Royale

 











A film that slowly unravels, revealing secrets and lies from a bunch of mysterious strangers staying at the same El Royale hotel splitting the border of California and Nevada. I love when movies like this come out. They're wholly original content, so literally no one entering the theater knows where it's going to end up. We all get to see it unfold together. We're guessing in our minds what's going to happen, but there's slick twists and turns around every corner. Bad Times at the El Royale was one of the coolest movies of the year and one of the best written movies as well. Each character is layered with such depth and each actor (especially Cynthia Erivo) gives it their all to make it a fun, gorgeous, beautifully shot mystery thriller. Director Drew Goddard takes the best of his directorial influences (there's Quentin Tarantino and Scorsese peppered all throughout) and makes one of the best original movies of the year. Unfortunately, it fared terribly at the box office because audiences are just reinforcing Hollywood's fear that no one wants to risk their money on something original anymore. But, I strongly urge you to rent this movie tonight.
Review HERE


6. Avengers: Infinity War/Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

  

So, this is one of the first times in the history of my doing these reviews and these lists that I'm changing my point of view on a movie. You guys should know by now that I'm just not a superhero movie guy. The over-saturation of Marvel has put a sour taste in my mouth and I never WANT to go see their movies, but they're always so highly praised that I do anyway. When I first saw Avengers: Infinity War I wasn't blown away. In fact, I was a little pissed off. I felt like Disney had copped out on the deaths we were promised and the movie was lacking severely. But then I watched it again. And then again. And then again. And for some unexplained reason... I really, really like it. I find myself wanting to watch it over and over. I've seen Avengers: Infinity War more than any other movie this year and I didn't even think it was that great on first viewing. Now... I find myself unable to wait patiently for the second part. It had to make the list because it's grown on me and if I've watched it more than any other movie this year - how can it not? The other part of this is Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse which I've only seen once, but resonated with me more than most superhero movies ever do. It's beautifully animated, it's hilarious, it's fun, and it's the best Spider-Man movie ever made. I find myself wanting to watch Spider-Man as much as I want to watch Infinity War. Marvel can do away with all the other movies. Give me Thanos and give me Miles and I'll be a fan for life.
Avengers Review HERE (though the thoughts and opinions have changed)
Spider-Man Review HERE


5. A Star is Born

 










At the beginning of the year, you wouldn't have been able to convince me that I would even SEE a movie starring Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper, much less putting it on my favorites of the year list. Even seeing the trailers I didn't have a desire to watch the movie. But again, favorable reviews for the film convinced me otherwise and I'm glad I changed my mind. A Star is Born gave me a look at what an incredible actor Bradley Cooper really is. Yes, he caught my attention with Silver Linings Playbook, but the man really opened my eyes with this film. He SHOULD be a shoo-in to win Best Actor, but with Rami Malek's Freddie Mercury, Christian Bale's Dick Cheney, and both guys in Green Book it's a much tighter race. I'd still personally give it to Cooper because not only is he beyond perfect in this film, he directed it as well. (Plus, there's that killer soundtrack.) And A Star is Born is the one movie on the list I'm most surprised with how much I genuinely loved it. 
Review HERE   


4. The Favourite

 











Period pieces are not exactly my cup of tea. But, ones that are this funny and this dastardly are really rare. The Favourite showcases three magnificent actresses in a wickedly dark comedy about femininity and backstabbing. The movie excels because it's three leads own the witty dialogue and make the movie feel contemporary. All three give the best performances of their careers and deserve all of the praise the film has thus far received. It's a difficult task to be able to despise each of these women, as well as empathize with them through each scene and banter and betrayal. It's such a fun and engrossing movie to watch. Don't let the time period let you overlook this one. It's one of the more interesting and original movies of the year and I loved every second of it. 
Review HERE


3. Green Book

Chalk this one under one of the more surprising movies of 2018. Peter Farrelly, whose entire career has been directing raunchy comedies with his brother Bobby, turned a corner and gave 2018 one of the most tender and honest films that I had the pleasure of watching this year. Two veteran actors give it their all in an unorthodox road trip movie about love, acceptance, understanding and tolerance. And much like The Hate U Give should be required viewing, so should Green Book. Unlike The Hate U Give though, it's actually a joy to watch. It's equal parts dramatic and funny. Both of these actors should win all the stuff and I genuinely hope this movie gets more and more recognized as the years go on. This movie won't and shouldn't be forgotten anytime soon. It's genuinely earned its spot as one of the best movies of the year.
Review HERE



2. Black Panther

Yes, Black Panther really did come out in 2018. In a time when the majority of movies released feature predominately white males, Black Panther is a genuine game-changer. It's probably Marvel's best movie to date and Director Ryan Coogler takes great care to make sure it not only entertains, but gives us a timely message as well (all while brilliantly honoring African culture). I've also not seen a villain in a Marvel movie (or most Marvel movies) who is so well-crafted, to the point where it was difficult to decide who to root for. Both hero and villain are right to be fighting for what they're fighting for and its execution is heartbreaking as well as genius. Beyond just being a great movie, it sends a message to Hollywood that we moviegoers are craving diverse films more than ever. This is due to the fact that it's one of Marvel's highest grossing films. Coogler, Chadwick Boseman, Michael B. Jordan, Lupita Nyong'o, and the rest round out a wonderful cast for a truly amazing and iconic film that should only lead to even greater things for everyone involved.
Review HERE


1. Eighth Grade

Like I said... it was difficult to pick a number one. Genuinely, any of the movies on this list could be argued as the best... however, I believe any other year, none of them would be. But Eighth Grade just spoke the most to me out of all of them. It's another film on the list that was surprising with the fact that a director who has only done comedy in his career has put out such a touching and affecting film that seriously resonates with its audience. Musical stand-up comic Bo Burnham's directorial debut serves as a movie that will reach everyone who ever watches it, and that's why it gets the coveted number one slot. Even though it's about the life of a middle school aged girl in 2018, there's not a person watching the film who won't relate to the struggles and the awkwardness and the turmoil of eighth grade life or its protagonist. Lead Elsie Fisher is perfect as Kayla and this movie shows us that she's destined for great things. It's a difficult movie to watch (especially one scene) because of how uncomfortable it makes the audience with every bumbling encounter Kayla has. It's near impossible not to squirm in your seat while watching it both because you feel for Kayla, and because you remember similar moments in your own life. It's rare for an indie movie like this to have such a large impact on its viewer. It allows curmudgeons like us to be able to finally empathize with the youth today. I hope both Fisher and Burnham keep churning out projects like this. If they do, we're in for some seriously great movies ahead.
Review HERE


HONORABLE MENTIONS: Blackkklansman, Hearts Beat Loud, If Beale Street Could Talk, Isle of Dogs, A Quiet Place, Widows, Won't You Be My Neighbor
 











The TOP 10 WORST FILMS of 2018:



10. Truth or Dare

 









Eh, they can't all be winners, can they Blumhouse? First of all, from what I could tell, the movie had always intended to be R rated. I'm not sure which studio head influenced you to go PG-13, but I guess it doesn't matter because Truth or Dare was going to be rotten either way - at least with the R rating we might've gotten a few bloodier deaths. So, since I never reviewed this movie, here's the synopsis: teenagers in Mexico play truth or dare with a douchebag. Douchebag has a curse on him where he MUST play truth or dare... or die. Group now has curse. When you don't tell the truth or don't do the dare, you get a stupid fucking grin on your stupid fucking face and die. It's at the bottom of the list because I respected the ending... but that's it. The rest is lazy, garbage writing with an even worse gaggle of actors trying to act afraid. (However, this movie can be really fun if you're with friends and doing a lot of alcohol mixed with illegal powders).


9. Incredibles 2

I still realize that I'm in the minority on this, but I think Pixar's worst movies are the Incredibles movies. Not because I don't think that they're clever or well-written or lazy or anything like that. They're not. That's Cars. No one expects anything from Cars. That's their "we're out of ideas right now" movie. Incredibles actually has something to say. Actually has a good story with a good message. Only... all of it coming together just never works out. All the pieces are there to make a brilliant film - but it's so unbelievably boring, I never cared about anyone. This movie bored me to tears. Two other people in my theater were sleeping and I envied them. As it moved on (and I kept guessing plot twists), I realized just how bad the movie really was. It wasn't me. I was trying to like it. But it was so slow and boring that I can't imagine any kids really liked what they were watching either. It makes the list because I hold Pixar to the highest standard for animation. So, when it comes out with a dull, used-eraser like this - it makes the damn list.
Review HERE


8. The Cloverfield Paradox

It was Super Bowl. Last year. Everyone's gathered around the TV. Everyone stuffed with meat and beer. And a trailer drops. A trailer for a new Cloverfield movie drops. A trailer for a new Cloverfield movie that's been released on Netflix THAT NIGHT drops. That's brilliant advertising. Netflix realized that to reach the most people watching TV at the same time was Super Bowl. Flash forward 24 hours later. Those of us who fell for the hoax were pissed off. Pissed off that whatever monstrosity that movie decided to call itself was somehow inexplicably related to Cloverfield. Both the first film and 10 Cloverfield Lane were quite good and we don't exactly crave more entries into the series, but they're always welcome. This one. This was a rip off of Alien and Sunshine, only it's not scary, interesting, fun, or good. Then, because Netflix and whoever else got conned out of money to fund this shit, realized it was filth... they slapped the Cloverfield nametag on it so people would watch. The name of the ship in the movie is the Cloverfield. That's it. That's every connection to the series. Netflix: "April Fools, fuckers!"
Review HERE


7. The Happytime Murders

 













You remember when you were a kid and you did something shitty and you were expecting to get lambasted by your dad or mom, like a real thrashing, like your favorite thing in the world was about to be destroyed right in front of your eyes for what you did... but then they didn't yell? They didn't scream. They didn't even raise their voices. They said, I'm not mad... I'm just disappointed. And somehow, THAT crushed you more than anything else you could've expected? That's how I felt about The Happytime Murders. An R-rated movie... with vulgar puppets... and a murder mystery... and comedic genius Melissa McCarthy? How do you mess that up?! Oh. Okay. By making the protagonist puppet unlikable without any personality. By making the punchline of every "joke" just having a puppet say the word 'fuck'. Oh, by putting the "sex scene" in the trailer to draw us out... but then revealing that the sex scene was the only funny part of the movie. There was the opportunity to have a Muppet Team America here. Instead... we got a shitty, forgettable, Muppet-stained trough of bullshit. I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.
Review HERE


6. Solo: A Star Wars Story

Progression of events:  

• Star Wars: Episode VII is released to critical acclaim and a shit ton of money.  
• Studios go - Hey, we should do some spinoff Star Wars shit so we run it into the ground
• Rogue One is released. It's very good. It makes a lot of money. 
• Studios go - Hell yeah! We did it. Let's release this massive list of all the spinoffs we want to do. I'm talking balls deep into the characters. Let's start with young Han Solo!
• Solo is released. It sucks ass. It loses money.
• Studios go - Ah shit. Star Wars is dead. Let's just build a Star Wars section at Disneyland and charge people to see it. 

Solo is arguably the worst non-prequel Star Wars-related entry (yes, worse than Episode VIII). No one wanted to watch Han Solo without Harrison Ford. And because the movie was so bleak and dark no one really could. Chewy now apparently eats people. Han didn't actually do the Kessell Run by himself (a robot did it for him). And the reason he's called Solo is because he was traveling... alone. Suck a bag of dick sliders with fries everyone involved with this movie.
Review HERE


5. Action Point

 










Human beings... especially Americans... are generally dopes. We put on a face of being intellectual or having all our shit together and liking high brow shit. But we all love to see Johnny Knoxville fall down or hit in the nuts. It's something that nearly every American laughs at. The Jackass movies/series are painfully funny and no matter how often you watch them, they'll send your gut in fits of aches from laughing so much. Action Point is the complete opposite. It's unfunny. It's pointless. It's juvenile in a way that makes us hate everyone involved. There's absolutely nothing to laugh at in the entire movie other than the couple of yuks you've already seen from the trailers. I understand Knoxville is getting older and torturing his body in Jackass ways isn't exactly feasible anymore. But don't give us this half-assed horseshit and call it a comedy. We're not buying it.
Review HERE


4. The Nun

James Wan has crafted some seriously iconic horror movies over the last decade or so. He began with the, still, underappreciated Saw (which gets shit because of all the bad sequels, but it still a great solo film). Then Insidious. Then The Conjuring. All of his horror movies are well-made and frightening and damn near perfect. But, Hollywood doesn't leave well enough alone and they make too many of them and kill what made his movie good (Saw/Insidious). OR they make a bunch of dumbass spinoffs from the villains of the films (Annabelle/The Nun). I'm very disappointed in people. Not just the producers greenlighting these movies. You guys too. And myself. For giving money to these rat-stenched movies even though you know they're going to be terrible. The Annabelle doll doesn't even move. Even its face. And there's two goddamn movies about it. The Nun is even worse. It's a person, but behind shadows it gives you the willies. When it runs around shrieking like a fucking goat for two hours... it's laughable. And not in a good way. Shame on you Hollywood.
Review HERE


3. Venom

 










Well, Marvel... you can't win 'em all. You managed to get three movies on the ten best this year... but you fucking EARNED this spot on the worst. Venom is painful to sit through with its poorly written dialogue, to its unbearably bad CGI, to its cartoonish villains we're supposed to fear, to its badly designed plot to literally everything involved (minus Tom Hardy - that man is a God). And on top of that it should've been rated R. Watching Venom felt like getting repeatedly punched in the face with pies by an angry clown who keeps shouting "Are you having fun yet?!" while intermittently puking and laughing next to me.  Venom should be taught in all screenwriting classes as a spectacle of what not to do when writing a script or writing characters or writing dialogue. I liked it better when it was called The Mask and it actually made people happy.
Review HERE


2. Holmes & Watson

A recreation of an interaction with Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Director Etan Cohen.

Cohen: Hi, gentlemen. Welcome to the first day of shooting Holmes & Watson. I'll be your director, Etan Cohen.
Ferrell: Great to meet you, Ethan. I loved your work with Fargo and The Big Lebowski.
Reilly: I particularly loved O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Cohen: Ha ha. Yeah. I get that a lot. Except I'm not Ethan Coen, one of the Coen brothers. I'm E-tan Cohen. I did Madagascar 2 and Men in Black 3.
Ferrell: Oh. I see. So, do you have any experience with comedic films?
Cohen: Actually I do. I even directed you in Get Hard, Will.
Ferrell: So, no? No actual experience in comedy?
Cohen: No. No, not really.
Reilly: That's okay. We're really funny together. We can make almost anything work. We've done a lot of stuff with Adam McKay and he's been our comedy mentor, so this'll be fine.
Cohen: Great! Here are your costumes. Put them on and let's start shooting.
Reilly: Sorry to nitpick... but I was kind of hoping before shooting the movie... we might get a peek at a script.
Cohen: Oh jeez. This is embarrassing. I thought they told you. There's no script. We just pitched a Sherlock Holmes movie starring you guys and here we are.
Ferrell: There's no script?
Cohen: No.
Reilly: An outline of the plot?
Cohen: What's a plot?
Ferrell: Oh, dear.
Cohen: You guys are great at improvisation, right? Just do your thing.
Ferrell: Well, here's the thing Ethan...
Cohen: Etan
Ferrell: ...we usually have a structure and a base and a script with which to improvise from.
Reilly: Yeah, it's much easier to improvise when we know these characters and their motivations.
Cohen: You're Sherlock Holmes. And you're Watson. Go!
Ferrell: See, that's not exactly what we mean.
Cohen: (Pulls out gun): I... said... go.
Review HERE 


1. Slender Man

  









A cohesive list of things that are more enjoyable to experience than watching Slender Man:
-changing an adult's diaper
-spending a week in line at the DMV
-arguing with a complete stranger about lawn mowers
-stepping on a nail - barefoot
-watching Holmes & Watson 
-changing an elderly person's diaper
-scrubbing your face pores with sandpaper
-eating crab legs... not the meat inside... the actual legs
-listening to a Time Share pitch, giving them your life savings, and getting three days out of the year to vacation at your new Time Share in Stockton, California.
-holding a ladder for someone
-Gone With the Wind in a different language without subtitles
-letting a homeless person spit in your mouth
-snorting wasabi
-hanging out with Randy Quaid (now)
-playing hackysack barefoot with a billiard ball
-discussing trickle-down economics with a slightly broken drive-thru speaker
-doing a word search with a blind person
-viewing an art gallery featuring different works depicting cottage cheese
-massaging Rush Limbaugh's inner thighs
Review HERE