Fall
movies are supposed to be a combination of Summer run-off, Halloween
horror movies, and a bunch of Oscar bait. While October is never
supposed to be that great, it's November and December that are the most
exciting months of the year for film.
This is
definitely not the case for 2016. Hollywood has shat the proverbial bed
when it comes to Oscar season films. Even non-Oscar bait films aren't
that exciting. There really isn't THAT much to look forward to in the
upcoming months, but here's a few of the upcoming best and worst.
BEST UPCOMING:
10/7
The Birth of a Nation
Nate
Parker's directorial debut was almost a lock for, at the very least, a
Best Picture nod when reviews from different film festivals weren't just
good-- but praising to a degree fitting a film worthy of Best Picture.
However, amid past rape allegations and Parker not handling it in a way
that the public is liking-- it's probably going to miss out on the
Oscars and half of the viewers it would've had. This isn't to say that
the film isn't still going to be powerful, moving, appropriate for
today, and beautiful.
10/14
The Accountant
Ben Affleck is back in his low-key
The Town-esque
type of thriller that got Affleck back in good with the public. This
film is also probably not going to make a ton of money considering that
it's been pretty quietly advertised and it's not a shoot-em-up action
extravaganza. It's going to be a slow burn of very deliberate and
purposeful filmmaking that will slip through the cracks and become
memorable.
10/21
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back
I'll admit... it took me nearly two years to watch the first
Jack Reacher film.
It didn't excite me and it didn't look like anything that was worth
watching. It especially didn't look like a film that needed a sequel.
However, after watching it, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Tom Cruise can
still lock it down as leading man in an espionage thriller and even
though we all know that sequels never match the quality of the
originals, it is a solid character that has the ability to have many fun
adventures. And... in a year full of ballz... I'll give this one the
benefit of the doubt.
11/4
Doctor Strange
BLEH.
YAWN. I'm literally only putting this up here for you readers because I
couldn't give two shits about this movie. I'm OVER Marvel. Over it.
Yet, they keep making quality films. How can I slander a Marvel
film (that look goofy as hell to me) starring Benedict Cumberbatch? I'm
going to be apathetic towards this movie until I see it get a 92% on
Rottentomatoes (lower only if it is actually as racially insensitive as
it looks) and I'll see it and probably enjoy it, never to watch again.
Hacksaw Ridge
Say
what you will about my boy Mel Gibson. He's a loathsome human being.
This is true. He doesn't deserve the love that people still give him
given the fact that offscreen he's a garbage bag. However, the dude
knows how to make a movie. His track record as a writer/director is
damn near flawless. And the story of
Hacksaw Ridge is highly
touted as being a tear jerker war movie that the vast majority of the
public will eventually NEED to see. Whatever it is-- it's going to be
one of the best of the Fall.
Loving
You
wanna talk tear-jerker? This is the one that's going to drain you of
tears and use them to mop the theater. It's the story of an interracial
couple in the south in the 50s who get married and then spend their
entire lives separated, under scrutiny of the law, sent to prison, etc.
With this and
The Birth of a Nation, there could not be two more important movies to come out this year.
11/11
Arrival
There
are two types of Sci-Fi. There are junky, fun, action science fiction
movies that can be so bad they're good or so good they're good. Then,
there's the slow, clever, and inventive sci-fi that is more of a brain
tug than a space romp.
Arrival falls in the latter category. It
takes almost a philosophical look at what it means to be an alien in
our world. It looks very thrilling, very intense, and very good.
11/18
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
I legitimately know nothing about this movie. I know that it was written by the chick that wrote
Harry Potter and
that the book is mentioned in those books and I know some of the cast. Other
than that, I know nothing. However, I know the track record of Rowling
and the movies based on her books and I can just assume that this movie
is going to be quite enjoyable.
The Edge of Seventeen
It
does kind of look like your standard angsty teen coming of age movie.
However, it's produced by James L. Brooks and that's pretty much his
M.O. but he's very good at it. It also has an exceptional cast and it doesn't provide the standard
PG-13 fare these types of movies are used to. It's R rated and Woody
Harrelson is playing a smartass. Yeah, okay, I'm in.
Nocturnal Animals
This is the kind of weird movie that feels like a dark Coen Bros. film. It has that
No Country for Old Men feel to it with a great cast. Director Tom Ford has only directed one other film,
A Single Man,
which was terrific, so I guess we can give him a so-far-so-good
attitude. Hopefully it's even more sick and twisted than it looks
because not much else the rest of this year are going to really strain
the brain.
11/25
Moana
Again,
don't know a whole hell of a lot about this movie, either. But I do
know that it's Disney and their recent films the last five or six years
have been stand out hits (I feel like I'm basing most of my assumptions
upon track record). It's also a new Disney musical from the guy who
directed
The Little Mermaid and
Aladdin. I also know that
Lin-Manuel Miranda is involved with the movie somehow. And The Rock is
legit the man. So, yeah... it's going to be good.
Allied
The teaser trailer for
Allied doesn't
show much, but this will be Brad Pitt's third World War II film in the
last five or so years and none of them have been terrible. Robert
Zemeckis leaving his world of animation is also a good sign. If you
combine the right parts of Pitt, Cotillard and Zemeckis... there is
potential for a very good movie on the horizon.
12/2
La La Land
Hollywood
isn't doing a very good job of showcasing their holiday/Oscar bait
movies this late into the year. The last few movies I've said is going
to be on the Best list only really have vague teaser trailers. The same
goes for
La La Land. I've seen the trailer a few times... but I
have no idea what it's about. I have to go (yet again) on track
record. The director is the guy who made the HIGHLY underrated
Whiplash (one of my favorite movies of this decade) and it reunites Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone. Cool. I'll see it.
12/9
Office Christmas Party
I
had to put a comedy on here because the rest of the comedies this
holiday season look like sewage slop. This one was good enough to
choose due to its good cast (Jason Bateman, Jennifer Aniston, Kate
McKinnon, T.J. Miller) and it's directed by the guys who did
Blades of Glory. So, even if it's just okay... it wins the winter movie fest.
12/16
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Much like
Doctor Strange,
I am just not excited for this film. The trailer makes it look quite
humorless, a little cheesy, and just kind of bleh. The fact that after
test-screenings it needed extensive reshoots says to me that it's
sub-par. And its director, Gareth Edwards, directed the abysmal reboot
of
Godzilla... I'm just not sold. However, we are in a day and
age when movies like this, when resurrected... can every once in awhile
find lightning in a bottle. Cliche, cliche... it could be good. Or
maybe that's just wishful thinking?
12/23
Passengers
This
is another movie where the trailer doesn't exactly sell me, but in this
case I can tell that there is something else within the film that isn't
being spoiled by the trailer (THANK YOU). It's also one of the only
ORIGINAL PIECES of the entire year. It's not based on a book or a comic
book or a graphic novel or any other source material... it is 100%
original. The fact that a big studio would risk money on an original
movie in 2016 is a goddamn miracle and makes me very hopeful for this
film.
A Monster Calls
I
thought about throwing this one into the 'Wildcard' section because the
adaptation may or may not actually be as good as the trailer looks.
However, based on the cast and the trailer and what I've heard about the
quality of the book... I'm willing to bet this movie is a lot better
than people are initially giving it credit. Plus... Liam Neeson is the
voice of a giant monster that helps a kid cope with his mom's cancer
death. What's not to be excited about???
Silence
Martin Scorsese made another film. It stars Liam Neeson. It's over three hours long. Yeah... it's going to be amazing.
Fences
Probably
the movie I'm most excited about this winter. Denzel's second
directorial effort and it looks like it's going to have all of the
emotional pull to make the audience actually FEEL things. It's based on a
Pulitzer-Prize winning play that Denzel did on Broadway, so he probably
feels quite passionate about its content. I don't care. It's Denzel.
I'll watch him in pretty much anything.
WORST UPCOMING:
10/21
Ouija: Origin of Evil
The original
Ouija
was terrible. I love me some horror, but even I wouldn't touch that.
The sequel does look like it has a better premise and it definitely has a
better director, but there's no saving this franchise. There's no
amount of good directing or writing that could save a movie that's
titled after a board game.
Boo! A Madea Halloween
Please
explain to me how in the hell we get rid of Tyler Perry? Is there some
sort of online petition I can sign? Are any of the Presidential
candidates proposing some sort of anti-Tyler Perry legislation?? Because
they'll get my vote. And yes... your eyes are not deceiving you... it
does in fact say "Hellurween" on an actual movie poster for an actual
movie. There is no God.
10/28
Inferno
I
almost put this one under 'Upcoming Wildcards', but the more I see the
trailer for this movie the more it looks worse and worse.
The DaVinci Code was not a good movie and
Angels and Demons was
just okay. But this one looks so bad that every line of dialogue in
the trailer (something that is supposed to convince you to see the
movie) is so on the nose that the only reason Hanks is doing a third one
has to be that he's contractually obligated. I don't have any faith in
this third installment to a very mediocre (at best) series.
11/4
Trolls
Does this one need much explanation? I realize we struck gold with
The Lego Movie. Do you honestly think it'll happen again?
11/11
Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk
I
hope you like quesadillas because this movie is stuffed with CHEESE.
That was a terrible joke... but still ten times more entertaining than
this incredibly emotionally manipulative movie. This is the film
equivalent of the song "Christmas Shoes". I don't prejudice films very
often, but if this movie got a 98% on rottentomatoes, I would still
never see it. Dear God... why Steve Martin? Why???
Almost Christmas
A
dysfunctional family Christmas movie comes out every. single. year.
Does anyone actually remember one that stands out that was good other
than, like,
Christmas Vacation? They all fall into the mist of
obscurity and are hardly ever watched again. This one doesn't look any
different than the rest. A standard movie with a laugh or two that will
impact no one.
11/25
Bad Santa 2
This
one hurts. A lot. I love the original movie. I watch it every
Christmas. It's so dark and funny and just plain ol' fuckkkkkked up.
It's a classic that NEVER needed a sequel. Go watch the trailer for
this movie. I dare you to find one thing to laugh it. You can't.
Sometimes you can tell that they're hiding the good stuff for the actual
movie... this one... the "good stuff" is in the trailer. This movie
will be horrible. It will attempt to make you forget why you loved the
original so much. And poor Kathy Bates. It hurts me to see her drug
into this mess.
12/2
Kidnap
Since winning her Oscar for
Monster's Ball,
Halle Berry has gone the Cuba Gooding Jr. route where instead of taking
better and better roles, she's lived on the bottom making terrible
movie after terrible movie and eventually will become nothing more than
the face of a Redbox poster. Not sure how
Kidnap escaped to theaters in December, but it will likely be the last one.
12/9
The Bye Bye Man
Hey, what's up, America? Saw
The Babadook?
Decided it was too good of a movie to not be American? Decided to make a
blatant ripoff without really even trying to disguise the fact that
you're ripping it off? Trying to see how STUPID of a name you could
call the ghost/demon of a movie and people will still come out? I hate
this movie. I hate it more than Tyler Perry.
12/16
The Space Between Us
You
see... it's a play on words. He's a kid that was born in space and
falls in love with a girl on Earth the space between them is actually
space. Then when he comes to Earth they can't be together or some shit
and now there's literal distance (space) between them. Or how because
he was born in space and she was born on Earth... they're different
people and the culture clash is the metaphorical space between them. Go
to hell.
12/23
Assassin's Creed
Film adaptations of video games always suck. They always do. Remember when we argued earlier this year about
Warcraft?
How it wasn't going to be the bust that I said it was going to be?
Well... it was. And this will be too. It's unfortunate that they got
real actors (Fassbender, Marion Cotillard) to be in the movie because
it's going to suck. If you don't believe me, watch the trailer. If you
still don't believe me, hit yourself as hard as you can in the face with
a hammer.
UPCOMING WILDCARDS:
10/7
The Girl on the Train
Before
a few days ago, I would've stuck this one in the 'Upcoming Best' for
Fall, but due to middling reviews, I've moved to 'Wildcards'. Having
read the book I can say that it is a very intense and thrilling story
that could and should be great as a movie. However, in the wrong
incapable hands... it could just be a forgettable
Gone Girl ripoff. I'm hoping not.
10/21
Keeping Up With The Jonses
This
is another movie that comes out every few years. Suburban family
watches cool new family (who may be spies), become jealous and snoopy,
then entangled in the web of espionage. The problem is-- they're never
any good. None of these movies ever really have the balls to go all
out. It's never enough comedy to justify the lame action, and it's
never enough action to justify never laughing. I don't have faith that
Zack Galifinakis is the one to do it right. But you never know.
12/16
Collateral Beauty
Will
Smith is someone that we all want to make a triumphant return to the
movies. However, he's been Kiera Knightley-ing himself and instead of
doing fun Summer blockbusters (which is where we fell in love with him),
he's trying to win that Oscar with movies no one cares about.
Collateral Beauty is either going to be
The Pursuit of Happiness.... or
Seven Pounds. Either way... meh.
12/23
Patriots Day
Peter Berg and Mark Whalberg team up for their third movie about 'Merica. First, it was
Lone Survivor. Then, it was
Deepwater Horizon.
Now, it's the "true" story of the aftermath of the Boston bombing. I
can't help thinking that instead of trying to honor the heroes in each
of these stories, they're spewing very strange 'Merica propaganda.
However, the movies are actually good. So... I don't know. Vote Trump.
Why Him?
This
is the only comedy coming out on Christmas. It does have a few
upsides-- we all know and love Bryan Cranston. And it's rated R. Like,
a hard R. But, his foil is James Franco. We've seen Franco funny in
Seth Rogen movies... but is he funny enough alone to carry a movie as
the off-color character himself? If he's supposed to be the funny one,
and Cranston is the straight man... I don't know if they'll actually be
able to pull it off without Rogen and co.
Gold
This
is the third movie McConaughey has done with the word 'Gold' in it. The
other ones weren't good. There was also a movie he did called
Sahara.
It wasn't good either. He's bald in this movie. Not sure if that
helps. I have no idea if this will be good or not. Wildcard, bitches!
See what I mean? Like what exactly is there to be that excited for this year? I really hope that there's a movie that hasn't been announced
yet that sneaks through and reminds us that the Fall really is meant
for the best movies of the year. I guess we'll have to wait until 2017
to get a better year.