There are two things about the Pirates franchise that weird me out. First, how the movies don't get hardly any respect anymore. It seems like after the success of the first film, every film after it is met with critical shame. Seriously, each film drops significantly in percentage of critical appeal on RT the more they make them (54%, 45%, 32% and now 30%). To put this into perspective, Ang Lee's Hulk was positively received by 62% of critics, Final Destination 5 has a 61%, and the new Alien: Covenant has a 71%. The Pirates films have become the Adam Sandler of Summer blockbusters. Granted, Sandler has now earned this right to be in the single-digit percentile... but I argue that the Pirates films do not. They're starting to get a bad rap, but not for any good reason. We, as a culture, like to shit on things that become "dark horse popular". Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl was not supposed to do anything. It was supposed to be a cheap cash grab as people legitimately wrote a screenplay based on a ride at Disneyland. But, with good writing, a great leading character, and fine acting... Pirates was a hit and people loved it. However, as Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow has now become more of a novelty than an actual character, and we now know in real life he's a dirtbag shitsack... somehow we can't accept the Pirates movies anymore or even take them seriously. Just look back on our culture of dark horse popular movies and how people loved them then and loathe them now (Garden State, Juno, Donnie Darko). I would argue that the Pirates movies are much better than we accept them to be now and don't deserve this animosity we have toward them now. Seriously, go re-watch the original trilogy and (other than the unbelievably awful ending to the third film) they not only hold up, but are just as entertaining and visually impressive as any trilogy or series that is safely secured in the echelon of "popular good". The second thing that weirds me out... that Orlando Bloom is now old enough to have a grown man for a son. Jesus.
Okay. Now that I've gone on a long-winded diatribe about how the twelfth highest grossing movie franchise of all time doesn't get the respect it deserves... I have to tell you that Dead Men Tell No Tales is not a great movie. I knew eventually there would be a movie in the series that just TRIED to be like the other movies, but felt more like an imitation of the real thing than actually being a part of the series. It's like the fifth Die Hard movie (yes, there was a fifth one). Die Hard 5 (I don't even have the energy to care enough to look up the surname) though that putting Bruce Willis in a movie, call him John McClane, blow some shit up and slap a Die Hard tag on it would actually make it worth of being a part of the series. It wasn't. And neither is Dead Men Tell No Tales. Just because we have Jack Sparrow and a gaggle of pirates and a new supernatural enemy... doesn't make it worth to bear the Pirates of the Caribbean name. It's like when you buy your kids the eighteen pound bag of Honey Nut Scooters... while there is the familiarity of Honey Nut Cheerios... there is a huge difference. That's what Dead Men Tell No Tales is... it's "Square Shaped Corn"... not "Chex".
In this fifth instillation, we follow a new good-looking generic white guy who can't act-- small tangent: I actually shouldn't be complaining about good-looking generic white guys who can't act in these movies because they have been a part of the franchise since the beginning. Pirates 1 had Orlando Bloom-- sorry ladies, he's our good-looking generic white guy who can't act ... there's a reason we haven't seen much of him since. Then in the fourth film there was good looking-generic white guy reverend who ends up banging a mermaid and actually living out the plot of Waterworld (I assume). Okay tangent over. Anyway, our good-looking generic white guy who can't act is Orlando Bloom's son, Henry Turner (he's really, really bland and his acting makes Orlando Bloom look like Daniel Day-Lewis). Anyway, we first meet him when the film opens up meeting up with daddy on his cursed vessel The Flying Dutchman. If you recall the second and third movies, Davy Jones was the captain of The Flying Dutchman, a ship that is supposed to ferry souls to the other side. Jones has cut out his own heart, placed it in a chest, and whomever stabs the heart and kills Jones, must become captain of the Dutchman. Well, in one of the worst decisions in any franchise, the writers (who began filming the third movie without a finished script) thought it best to take our ONLY love story (Will and Elizabeth) and make Will stab the heart and forever be doomed as captain of the Dutchman. Now, he can only come on land ONE DAY EVERY TEN YEARS (what the actual fuck, Disney? Seriously... we followed these two for how many years... for this to happen?!?!) Okay... so Will's son, a youngling at the start of the film, finds daddy cursed on the Dutchman and essentially giving up all hope for a life with his beloved and his son. This is when young Henry decides to make it his life's work to find an end to the curse.
Flash forward nine years... Henry has now become good-looking generic white guy who can't act and he's searching for Jack Sparrow to help lead him to... yeah... Poseidon's trident. Apparently, all sea curses can be broken with the trident. Along the way, he meets up with Carina Smith, a strong female character who, because she has an affinity for science, is labeled a witch. She is on the hunt for answers concerning the father she never knew (arguably the worst plotline in the entire movie... seriously dumb). And finally, Capitan Salizar (badass Javier Bardem), a ghost captain seeking revenge on Sparrow for cursing him to a life as a shitty ghost many years earlier. Just like all of the other movies, these individual storylines converge and we have ourselves a new Pirates film. So, what's good about the movie? There's actually a lot that works here. The fact that the new filmmakers, Norwegian directors Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg decided the first thing they needed to do to save the franchise was fix the Will Turner as Captain of the Dutchman problem was a smart idea. We were betrayed by the third film (which, again, is very good save for that plot element at the end) and the new directors realized this is the first problem that needed fixing. For that, I applaud them. Second, it's gorgeously shot. They have a serious eye for detail. The ghost pirates, especially Bardem, are mesmerizing to look at. The floating/wavy hair of Salazar, as if it was perpetually under water is almost hypnotizing. There's also a lot of fun. There's zombie sharks, and a badass new Pirate ship that literally EATS other Pirate ships. Nearly everything is there to add a new and exciting entry into the franchise.
Yet... there's a lot more wrong with it. Poor casting choices (good-looking generic white guy who can't act, and attractive, strong, quirky female love interest) bog the film down because, not only do they have nearly zero substance behind their characters... it's difficult to care about them. One of the reasons the previous Pirates movie, On Stranger Tides, was received so poorly was the terrible "love story" of good-looking generic white guy and mermaid (awful). This one isn't much better. He couldn't act himself out class with a fake doctor's note and she's trying ever so hard to be as quirky and strong, but it just comes off as obnoxious. I'm an advocate for more strong female characters, but there has to be some talent behind them in order for us to care. Johnny Depp's personal life coming to light in the tabloids doesn't help us care about him, but even he seems to stop giving a crap when it comes to Jack Sparrow. Even though he's always been a very neurotic, drunken, idiosyncratic character... there was always a lot of subtle nuance behind the character. Here... as I stated earlier, he's now become something of a novelty. The only two really good characters are Bardem's Salazar, who just chews through the scenery with his wicked sneer and looks like he's having the most fun on set... and always the magnificent Geoffrey Rush as Captain Barbossa.
The movie seems to also be lacking the charm and wit that the rest of the franchise does so well. On Stranger Tides is the weakest of the previous entries, but the banter of Sparrow and Barbossa is some of the best written comedic relief in the series. Here... it's just lacking. There always needs to be a balanced mix of thrills and humor for a Pirates movie to be successful and the jokes that land in this movie are so scarce I could count them on one hand missing a couple of fingers. Then there's terrible sub-plots (like Carina's father or the use of an actual witch who, after we are introduced to her and become intrigued by her character... disappears from the film altogether). It's just not a well-oiled machine. You can tell the directors were fanboys of the series and wanted to make something that resembled a Pirates movie. Unfortunately, other than fixing the glaring problem of the third film, there's not much more to hold on to here. While I will always be happy to turn my brain off for two plus hours and watch a Pirates movie in theaters in the middle of summer... occasionally there is going to be one that just doesn't sit as well as the rest. I hope this isn't the end of the franchise because it still doesn't really do the entire series much justice... but if this is the type of movie we can expect from future entries... I hope the buck stops here.
C-
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