Last year I called my shots pretty damn well. I was only fooled a couple of times and those were some pretty controversial choices (probably) #whoremembersthisshit? Anyway, 2015 was a pretty sweet year for white people. White movies reigned supreme. As they should. White people are obviously God's children that only deserve his love and respect #Jesuswaswhite. So, for all the whitey's out there who want the well-deserved recognition for their whiteness... I have compiled a list of Oscar predictions to discuss when out with friends sharing wine, eating kale and discussing Paul Rudd. #whitelivesmatter
Best Picture:
The Big Short
Bridge of Spies
Brooklyn
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Room
Spotlight
Not to take away from all of the well-deserved whiteness from all of these movies, there is the possibility of ten nominations. They used eight of them. So, I mean you could've used those two spots to holla at Dope or Straight Outta Compton or Beasts of No Nation or, you know, completely not use them at all because ethnic movies are #inferior. So, of the white movies I can say that they are all very good movies... with very good white people in them. All are enjoyable and most of them are deserving of the Oscar... but who will the old white people vote for? The one about white people on Wall Street? The one with the white people during the Cold War? The one with the white girl from Ireland? The one with the white person on Mars (is that technically immigration...?). Or the one with the white dude who gets maliciously attacked, unprovoked, by a BROWN bear? #buildawall
What's Going To Win: The Revenant (However I could see it going to Spotlight too)
What Should Win: The Revenant or Spotlight or a well timed discussion of diversity.
It's kind of hard to give a shit about the Oscars this year. I mean, for a budding screenwriter it's the Super Bowl. And as a white man, it's doing everything it can to keep us on top. But, it's just going to be underwhelming this year. Yes, all of the movies were very
Best Actor:
Bryan Cranston (Trumbo)
Matt Damon (The Martian)
Leonardo DiCaprio (The Revenant)
Michael Fassbender (Steve Jobs)
Eddie Redmayne (The Danish Girl)
These awards are so fucking white this year they nominated not one, not two, but THREE GINGERS. #nosouls. None of them have a shot in hell at winning, but can you get any whiter? So, look, legit I know that Concussion was not that brilliant of a movie. So, it didn't deserve a Best Pic nod... but my boy Will Smith was as good as I've ever seen him. Cranston is a must, DiCaprio is a must... everyone else was the same plain yogurt flavor. Coulda blacked it up a bit #thatwasn'tracist #Ipromise.
Who's Going To Win: Leonardo DiCaprio
Who Should Win: Leonardo DiCaprio or the fact that people will never stop using the argument that there "aren't enough roles written for black actors" #Jesuswaswhite
You KNOW the Academy gon give Leo his damn Award. And overlooking the fact that he was born of white descent... he deserves it. He really does. Dude has paid his dues tenfold. Then again, I think the wait was worth it. This really was his best performance. Wolf of Wall Street was a great performance, but not that difficult of one. The only movie I've seen him in where he's been as great was The Departed and dude wasn't even nominated for that one. He was nominated for Blood Diamond #whiteAfricansbetterthanBlackones
Best Actress:
Cate Blanchett (Carol)
Brie Larson (Room)
Jennifer Lawrence (Joy)
Charlotte Rampling (45 Years)
Saoirse Ronan (Brooklyn)
Real talk: Yo, Tessa Thompson from Creed KILLED IT. Shit, that role was made for an Oscar... chick had a hearing problem #canyousaydisability? Yet, we had to overlook her performance in favor of making sure J-Law got ANOTHER nomination. No one loved Joy. No one gave a shit about that movie when they left the theater. Yet, it's another year that J-Law had a movie come out, so she gotta get put up because white.
Who's Going To Win: Brie Larson
Who Should Win: Brie Larson or Hollywood big wigs who paid Brie Larson a tenth of what anyone in the Best Actor Category was paid for their film.
For realz-- Room was a heartbreaking
Best Supporting Actor:
Christian Bale (The Big Short)
Tom Hardy (The Revenant)
Mark Ruffalo (Spotlight)
Mark Rylance (Bridge of Spies)
Sylvester Stallone (Creed)
Okay. Finally we got a diverse movie in the mix with Creed. Wait... what?!?! It's the ONLY white dude from Creed? Ah, goddamn it. Look, this is probably the most fuckbiscuit category. You left out TWO actors from Beasts of No Nation (Idris Elba and the kid) who turned in magnificent performances. But no... we got Christian Bale randomly selected from a fucking white ensemble film who wasn't even the BEST ONE FROM THE FILM. But, he did have a glass eye #fullretard. Oh, wait, there's another white ensemble film actor nominated in Mark Ruffalo who did no better or worse than anyone else acting around him including Michael Keaton? Oh, okay. Yeah. These are must-haves. Fuckers.
Who's Going To Win: Sylvester Stallone
Who Should Win: Sylvester Stallone/Tom Hardy or the bear from The Revenant proving that even ethnic animals only get cast playing thugs.
I was on the Stallone bandwagon for a good long while because he legit blew me away with his Rocky character for the seventh time. But, then I started to realize that this amazement probably stemmed from the fact that I forgot Sly could actually act. Then, I saw The Revenant a second time and Tom Hardy was the bee's tits. I felt hate for his character I've only felt a few times before. No one else (on the list) left me that emotionally scarred. He deserves it. Sly will get it.
Best Supporting Actress:
Jennifer Jason Leigh (The Hateful Eight)
Rooney Mara (Carol)
Rachel McAdams (Spotlight)
Alicia Vikander (The Danish Girl)
Kate Winslet (Steve Jobs)
I think Oprah once said, "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta." Those words could not ring truer than they do for the category of Best Supporting Actress. I mean, you've got gangsta-ass Rachel McAdams who honestly blends in so well to her film Spotlight I forgot she was even in it. And Kate Winslet was able to recite Aaron Sorkin dialogue quickly just as he intended. Then, there's Rooney Mara who plays a lesbian. Oh, shit, Academy... a lesbian and a cross-dresser? I guess I should ease up on the bitterness of the ethnicity issues here, 'cause it looks like you already got it under control.
Who's Going To Win: Alicia Vikander
Who Should Win: Jennifer Jason Leigh or the tears of a thousand black people who weren't even asked to be in Steve Jobs.
This is the only major nominated movie that I didn't see. I was on my Oscar run seeing movie after movie day after day and The Danish Girl was the only one I didn't end up seeing. After awhile I heard that the movie was verrrrrryyyyy 'meh' and the only reason to see it was for Vikander's performance in it. That's exactly how I felt about Redmayne's last movie The Theory of Everything. I didn't like it at all, but he was great in it... which doesn't really mean I had to see it. So, I didn't see it. I'll see it eventually. She's apparently great, but Jennifer Jason Leigh as some crazy bitch outlaw HAD to have been a lot more entertaining and award-worthy. I mean, she was a woman who kept getting punched out by dudes the entire movie and had a black eye the entire time. This type of female abuse should be making these old ass Oscar voters just a little bit hard.
Best Director:
Adam McKay (The Big Short)
George Miller (Mad Max: Fury Road)
Alejandro Inarritu (The Revenant)
Lenny Abrahamson (Room)
Tom McCarthy (Spotlight)
If you had told me that the director of Anchorman and Stepbrothers would be among the crackers (and one Mexican) who were nominated for Best Director I would've laughed in your, supposedly, white face (I don't know many black people). However, dude directed a hell of a movie. He's one of the whiteys that really deserves to be on the list. Inarritu is the only non-white face in the bunch, but he won Best Director last year so now the Academy considers him an honorary white person. They see no ethnicity with former winners. I feel like Abrahamson was a strange choice especially because they Academy missed their chance to give Spielberg or Ridley Scott another nomination. They're like the director equivalents of Meryl Streep or J-Law.
Who's Going To Win: Alejandro Inarritu
Who Should Win: George Miller or Ava DuVernay for her wonderful directorial debut in last year's Selma... a film that was nominated WITHOUT A NOD TO IT'S BLACK FEMALE DIRECTOR! She should win this year or at least get an apology note. #racismisdead
I mean, it's probably going to be Inarritu because what he accomplished with The Revenant was nothing short of extraordinary... but dude... did you see Mad Max?? Dude came back thirty plus years later and re-made his OWN movie. Not only did he remake it, he made it better and crazier than the original. It was honestly one of the best movies of last year and was, in my opinion, the best directed movie of the last year.
Best Animated Feature:
Anomalisa
O Menino e o Mundo
Inside Out
Shaun the Sheep Movie
Omoide no Mani
While there was a significant amount of white animated movies, I have to give it to the Academy on this one because there were two foreign animated movies (that stand zero chance of winning) on the list. One from Asia and one from Mexico (I think... I did just enough research that I found the filmmakers names to be from Mexico and Asia... could not have been... I'm just channeling my inner Academy here). I do think, however, that The Peanuts Movie was a delightful little film honoring the once revered comic strip. However, there was a black kid in the movie which may have hindered its chances. Then again, he was an animated black child... so does it really count?
What's Going To Win: Inside Out
What Should Win: Inside Out
Inside Out was, without a doubt, the best animated movie of 2015 by a long shot. It was emotionally resonant with legitimately anyone who has kids or anyone who has ever been a kid. It dealt with the colorful emotions (or as the Academy likes to refer to them as: emotions of color) of a little girl and having to deal with uprooting her life and moving to a new city. It's a gorgeous, near-perfect film and it deserves the award. Especially because of it's incredibly diverse color scheme (then again, there were no brown emotions were there...?) Have I hit the racism nail on the head yet? #obviously
Other Predictions:
Best Original Screenplay:
What's Going To Win: Spotlight
What Should Win: Straight Outta Compton or the fact that you realize this is the only award nomination that movie got and its writers are white.
Best Adapted Screenplay:
What's Going To Win: The Big Short
What Should Win: The Big Short or the fact that the Academy Awards are in its beginning phases of dying if they keep up what is a highly offensive class of nominations led by some seriously misguided and old fucking individuals.
How Many Times Chris Rock Will Call Out The Academy On Their Bullshit:
How Many Times He's Going To: A Lot
How Many Times He Should: More than that.
How Many Categories I'm Going To Pick Correctly:
I'm Going To Get: 7/9
How Many I Should Get: 1/9 (They should surprise the hell out of everyone and give all the Oscars to Idris Elba)
Consensus:
The Oscars are careening downhill very quickly. If you're a white person who likes to take white bubble baths and bathe in your white privilege and think there was nothing wrong with the way this year's and even the last few year's Oscars have been handled, then this is the show to watch. However, you are also probably voting for Donald Trump or Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz and you should hit yourself in the genitals several times with a power cord. If you are a culturally conscious person who prides him/herself in having an ethnically diverse background/friend group... you're probably not going to watch. So, really the show is only going to be for those who are true cinephiles like myself... and I can tell you this... if they keep this up, even I won't be watching for much longer.
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