Venom is a movie that would've been a KILLER in the 90s. Every second of every scene feels like the movie was written sometime around 1994 and then sat on a shelf for 24 years without being rewritten once. From the animation, to the stock characters, to the hackneyed dialogue - Venom is a 2018 movie stuck in a 90s production... and I don't mean that as a compliment. As Marvel has completely rejuvenated what it means to go see a blockbuster movie, the expectations audiences have are raised. With raised expectations comes the pressure to put out higher quality movies. And they really haven't disappointed. The last five years or so, Marvel hasn't had many flubs or flops (we're completely ignoring that any Fantastic Four movie has ever existed). These are beautiful movies with eye-popping effects, rich and full and colorful characters with real flaws, genuinely interesting story-lines, and sharp, quick dialogue that truly pops. Apparently Venom missed the memo on all of this. Venom took the route of feeling like a 90s movie - you know... the ones that only people who lived during the 90s still like because of nostalgia, but doesn't hold up to anyone under the age of 30. Venom could've existed under these terms HAD it been made back then. The fact that it's the newest Marvel fare, it truly suffers in every aspect a comic book movie can (except in its casting - but we'll get to that later).
Tom Hardy (oh, Tom Hardy) is Eddie Brock, an investigative journalist who digs deep and touches only the rough stories for his own segment on the news. He starts to dig into the Life Foundation and all of the questionable "rumors" surrounding illegal acts by its founder, the Elon Musk-ish Carlton Drake (Riz Ahmed). His editor wants him to do a fluff piece - but Eddie, with his scruples, decides to be a "real" journalist and push with the big stories. When he finds confidential law documents from cases against Life on his fiancee Anne's (Michelle Williams) computer, he goes after Drake on camera. Drake, being the evil business tycoon that he is, gets Eddie and Anne fired. What Eddie doesn't know is that Drake has somehow (without any explanation) collected Symbiotes (alien goo) from space and is trying to pair it with live humans - but without a perfect cell match, they all die. When Dr. Skirth (Jenny Slate) gets concerned with all the death, she approaches Eddie about uncovering the story. She breaks Eddie into the facility, shit goes awry, and one of the symbiotes (Venom) pairs with Eddie's body, giving him superhero (or villain)-like qualities. Drake finds out the symbiote successfully paired with Eddie, he sends his goons out to get Eddie back to the facility. Then, the rest of the movie is Eddie and Venom combining forces (kinda) to stop these goons and Drake himself.
If I sounded very long winded in my synopsis, paying too much attention to the backstory of Eddie before he and Venom combine, it's because that's how I felt watching the movie. It takes for-fucking-ever to get to actually seeing Venom. All of the scenes beforehand echo, nay, mirror that of a cheesy and poorly executed 90s movie. Eddie is the hard-hitting reporter who must report to his stern editor, who very nearly directly calls Eddie a "hothead". Eddie has a goofy and lovey relationship with Anne, but the second that Eddie puts her job in jeopardy... they break up without even a real conversation. Eddie just so happens to be in the same convenience store that gets held up TWICE (once as himself, and once with Venom's powers). The shopkeep literally says to Eddie "life's tough Eddie". Eddie (a good-looking white guy) is unemployed for six months - and not even for something THAT controversial (he can't be trusted). There's no way another network wouldn't snatch him up instantly. And... AND! the motherfucker literally looks for new jobs in the Wanted Ads in the NEWSPAPER. He circles the listing in green marker! Like, this movie had to have been made in the early 90s. There's plot holes galore, there's cheesy dialogue you can see coming from a mile away (seriously, someone comes up to him and says "Hey, aren't you Eddie Brock?"... in my seat before Tom Hardy does a thing, I said to myself "I used to be" RIGHT BEFORE HE FUCKING SAYS IT!), hell, there's even a goddamn Wilhelm Scream. All of this nonsense would make more sense in Captain Marvel because at least that movie is going to take place IN the 90s. This movie is supposed to take place in present day and it's dumb as hell.
Even for all its foolishness, however, Tom Hardy is marvelous. I swear, that guy could star in the shot-for-shot remake of Pluto Nash and he would still be magnificent. And this is not the role that Tom Hardy is usually suited for. I just couldn't visually see him as the down-on-his-luck, chatty, quirky news reporter guy. But he won me over. The guy can legitimately act. Yes, he did do this movie for his kids to be able to see him in a comic book movie, but don't discredit the man's acting abilities. It may be a shitty movie, but he puts his all into it. And for that, I can give it a minute amount of respect. Riz Ahmed was also pretty decent as the slimy Drake. It's a character that could've been played ridiculously over-the-top (which would've fit in perfectly with its 90s feel), but he actually plays it with a little more subdued evil. Everyone else kind of skates by, though. Michelle Williams is clearly doing this movie for the paycheck (then again her character doesn't have much else to do other than smile say words). Jenny Slate - I have no idea what drew her to the movie, but she's barely in it and it could've literally been played by Siri and had the same emotional resonance (again, this has more to do with the writing than her acting - I actually really like Slate).
The stuff with Venom is the stuff that really pissed me off. Most of it is just plain dumb. Some of their conversations are humorous, and a few of the "kills" are pretty cool. But the rest is just a jumble of bad CGI and poor character decisions. Venom is of an alien race that wants to come to Earth to eat everyone's heads and take it over. This is the motivation for about ten minutes... then he decides he wants to help Eddie stop the other Symbiotes because Venom himself is "kind of a loser" on his home planet and here he can be cool. Uh..... WHAT?! That's the actual motivation for Venom to turn from villain to anti-hero. I thought it was legitimately a joke... but... nope. The final fight is just a glob of sloppy animation and punching (I can describe it as not as bad as The Mummy Returns... but not as good as Van Helsing). By the end I was laughing because I couldn't believe how unintentionally absurd this film was and that no one even bothered to say: "you guys think this isn't exactly the same quality as literally every other Marvel movie of the last decade?"
When I got into the movie I had a feeling I was going to be upset that the filmmakers and the studios decided to cut down what was promised as a hard R-rating to the more teen-friendly PG-13. But after watching the movie (even though I'd totally love to see the R-rated cut), I feel like the movie didn't even have to be PG-13. It's not a movie that any adult can actually take seriously. This should've been Tom Hardy doing a movie for his kids... and for all kids. A PG romp of two people with opposite personalities that have to share the same body. Like The Odd Couple, but like... one's a dude... and one's alien goo. Shit, they even do the slapstick Steve Martin/Jim Carrey schtick of Eddie wanting to raise his hands and Venom wanting to put them down, but to everyone else, he looks like he's fighting with himself. Like I said... had this movie been made in 1994, it would've been heralded as "the future of film". But it came out 24 years too late. And it's just not a good look anymore.
D+
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