2016. An unfriendly butthole of a year. It didn't even have the decency to give us a God-awful, no-redemption-in-humanity terrible movie. There were a lot of bad movies, sure. But even the worst movie on the list isn't as bad as half of the garbage from last year... and last year had great movies. 2016 was such a mediocre year that people stopped going out to sequels and spinoffs to most movies, but paid so much to others it was a record year box-office wise (you're welcome Disney). 2016 is the year (in more ways than one) that we won't learn from our mistakes. There were a LOT of sequels and unoriginal buckets of toilet water that people finally decided NOT to see. Will studios see this as a warning sign and start backing off? Will producers be willing to cough up more dough for original works by writers whose ideas are dying somewhere in a sad folder that used to be on their computer desktop? No. Of course not. As far as I can tell right now... because half of the movies of 2017 haven't been announced yet... there are going to be FORTY FOUR sequels/prequels/spinoffs/reboots coming in 2017. And those are the ones we know about now. Forty four. And we're just going to let it happen like our own Hollywood Brexit. Because we don't learn a damn thing! --- Anyway, the movies in the top ten were the best movies of the year. I haven't yet seen Jackie, A Monster Calls, or Silence as of the posting of this... but I wasn't able to get ahold of any screeners this year and those were the odd movies out. As far as the worst movies this year-- like every year-- they're the worst of what I've seen. There's a reason you won't find Ride Along 2, Fifty Shades of Black, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Gods of Egypt, Miracles from Heaven, Mother's Day, Alice Through The Looking Glass, Warcraft, The Legend of Tarzan, Nine Lives, Ben-Hur, Inferno, Bad Santa 2, Collateral Beauty, or Assassin's Creed. I already know they're shit and decided not to see them. I realize the ten below are ones I probably shouldn't have seen either, but that's the way it goes with my brain. Also I realize that I definitely should be putting Independence Day: Resurgence on the Worst list... but the first one is so good that I'm willing to give this one a pass.... for now.
Alright... here we go... The BEST of 2016!
The Top 10 BEST FILMS of 2016:
10. Hell or High Water
Hell or High Water is one of several very quiet and underrated movies (that pervade this list) that was excellent. It played off like a less existential and more sympathetic version of No Country For Old Men. Chris Pine finally shows us he's able to handle something more than a blockbuster in space, Jeff Bridges is the cop on his tail/comedy relief (seriously the interactions between him and his partner are some of the best in the film), and it's always fun to watch Ben Foster act like a complete psycho. If you're a fan of westerns (set in modern day, of course) or just bank-robbin-crime-thrillers, then you should absolutely check this one out.
9. The Edge of Seventeen
The Edge of Seventeen comes from a very fresh voice and fresh point of view of the "teen comedy" genre. Director Kelly Fremon Craig gives us a story that's both contemporary and yet feels like something John Hughes would've given us if he'd started today. It's very funny and heartfelt and REAL. The lack of a central plot is overlooked by the fact that every teenager believes life revolves entirely around them. So the fact that we're just watching the mishaps of Nadine's school year is a perfect announcement that we don't need a plot because there is nothing more interesting going on anywhere else than her life. It's going to hold up as well as Mean Girls. Plus, Woody Harrelson is in it, so.... you know it's good.
Review Here
8. La La Land
It was the last movie I saw in 2016, but it definitely left an impression. La La Land defies the musical genre and is able to transcend genre and give us everything we look for when we go to the movies. Entertained - check. Visually stunned - check. Emotionally moved - check. Impressed beyond belief - double check. This movie is one that will require multiple viewings because there is so much happening in each scene, you'll want to revisit it again and again just to catch all of it. No one will leave this movie without a smile on his or her face.
Review Here
7. Manchester By The Sea
Manchester By The Sea is ripe with superb acting performances from everyone. It's also a film that should be watched by every screenwriting student to showcase how much less is more and that subtlety is more powerful than emphasis when it comes to characterization. Sure, it's a quiet movie and some may find it a tad "dull" in areas, but personally, I was emotionally glued to the movie. The way different characters experience pain and sorrow and don't actually have one of those freak out cliché movie moments is very important and wonderful about this film. Casey Affleck steals the show and look for him to face some heavy competition in this years Best Actor nomination... but I think he may just come out on top.
Review Here
6. Don't Think Twice
Do you truly want to know what it's like in the life and the mind of a performer? Whether it's improv or stand up comedy or stage or movies or whatever... most performers are the same. They continue to pursue that dream with the hopes that one day to be on the big stage or the big screen. And for 99% of these people-- it will never happen, but the love of the craft keeps the dream alive. It's beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time. This is Don't Think Twice. What a wonderful snapshot of what it's like to have a dream of living your dream and how it's okay for dreams to be amended. This one spoke to me very personally, but it will resonate with anyone who has ever wanted something more, but had to settle for less without it compromising their happiness. I LOVE this movie.
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5. Hacksaw Ridge
This movie isn't going to grace a lot of top 10 lists this year due solely to the fact that Mel Gibson still hasn't been forgiven (nor should he be) in Hollywood yet. Despite the human trash-cesspool he is in person, the man still knows how to tell a story and direct a film. Hacksaw Ridge is probably the best World War II film since Saving Private Ryan. What could've been a schlocky paint-by-numbers story of the first conscientious objector in the war became a breath-taking tale of heroism and courage. Andrew Garfield is stellar and Hugo Weaving takes a role that should've been as hacky as any character on Lifetime and actually breathes real life into it. Plus, the battle scenes, while incredibly gruesome, are definitely a sight to see.
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4. Arrival
Arrival isn't just a great movie, it's an important movie. Especially today. By examining what it means to be human and what it means to love has never been more necessary. Plus, it's a sci-fi that's not effects driven, but more character driven. Amy Adams has been fantastic in everything this year, but her performance in Arrival is nothing short of brilliant. The film will hook you by the first frame and won't let go until the credits roll. If this all sounds kind of generic and vague and cliché, it's because it is and I don't want to spoil anything for you. You'll need to see for yourself.
Review Here
3. Green Room
One of Anton Yelchin's final performances, Green Room is sadistic and scary as hell. A punk rock band winds up at a venue for a show run by neo-nazi skinheads. In the green room the band witness a murder and are trapped in there and hunted by a shitload of Hitler youth-- oh yeah and this is all orchestrated by Patrick Stewart in a role that will chill you to the bone. It's so well done. There's a bunch of realistic gore and too close to home frights. Your heart will start pounding and only increase to panic-attack levels until the very last shot. It's more a thriller than a horror, but it was by far the best scary movie of 2016.
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2. Moonlight
It's been about a week since I've seen Moonlight and I'm still shaken to the core. What a gorgeously uplifting and heartwrenching film. Its three lead actors (playing the same character) are each more glorious than the one before. It's a story you think you've seen before, but you haven't. It's a life you think you've followed before, but you haven't. It's a movie you're expecting to be formulaic, but it isn't. It probably should've been my best movie of 2016, but I like to pick a little bit outside of the box and, hey, it's my blog... I don't have to get all Academy on your asses. Still, I think it's got a pretty good shot of taking the gold this year for Best Picture. Of all the movies on this list-- this one is the absolute must see for EVERYONE.
Review Here
1. The Nice Guys
This, to me, was the best movie of 2016. Keep in mind that I'm a tad biased when it comes to the writer/director of the movie Shane Black, as he's my favorite writer. But, you can't take anything away from this movie. It's got action, it's got wit, it's got a mystery, it's got A-listers in a 70s backdrop. It takes a strong writer to put two actors who don't usually do comedy films and make them both genuinely funny and give them some of the best chemistry we've seen in a buddy movie in a long time. Neither of these characters are caricatures of buddy cop movies. They're well-rounded and supremely flawed... and a hell of a lot of fun to go on a journey with. Everything about this movie is a hilarious delight and that's why it's my favorite movie of the year.
Review Here
HONORABLE MENTIONS: Nocturnal Animals, Zootopia, Swiss Army Man, The Conjuring 2, Fences, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, The Witch
The Top 10 WORST Films Of 2016
10. Blair Witch
This one was severely disappointing. After Adam Wingard's underrated but highly entertaining You're Next, Blair Witch was primed to be his big break into mainstream horror. Back when the trailers were released under the title of The Woods and it was unknown to most that it was a Blair Witch related movie, I was very interested. Then, when I found out it was a sequel to The Blair Witch Project, I was a little shocked, annoyed, and interested to see what a fresh voice could lend to the franchise. But it was the same ol' found footage song and dance. And while I did really like the last fifteen minutes of the movie that went completely off the rails, everything leading up to it was dull and boring. The ending was great but it's not enough to save the movie and I'm sure certainly not enough to boost the franchise that it wanted to be.
Review Here
9. Zoolander 2
I'm not sure why all of these comedic actors who had hits in the early 00's are just now making sequels to their iconic characters. They either needed to be made right after their hit movies OR (and here's a novel idea) create new ones. Right after Anchorman Will Ferrell created Ricky Bobby. Why is Ben Stiller still holding on to the idea of Derek Zoolander? It worked in the early aughts, but it's tired now. The movie is essentially just a barrage of cameos-- famous people who show up unexpectedly, say something mildly amusing and I'm supposed to laugh because oh look it's that person. The character should've been retired. We still think you're funny Ben Stiller... do someone new.
Review Here
8. The Lobster
The Lobster is another weird one for the Worst list. I am a big Colin Farrell fan, especially when he does quirky little indie movies like this. I loved the concept of the film-- in a futuristic society people check themselves into a clinic where they must find love within a certain number of days or they are turned into an animal. The first forty five minutes to an hour or so are quite fun and cheeky. Then... the movie goes unexpectedly dark. And not like dark haha, but dark out-of-nowhere-what-the-actual-fuck kinda dark. And it's no longer fun. And it's no longer quirky. And it's no longer the movie I signed up to watch. Overall, I still don't understand exactly what I watched, but I know that I honestly didn't enjoy it.
Review Here
7. Now You See Me 2
This movie is off the walls stupid. It's like when someone calls something 'bananas', but like the dumb equivalent of that. Actually calling something bananas (other than actual bananas) is a pretty dumb equivalent of saying something was cool. Whatever. This movie was really dumb bananas. There's impossible magic you're supposed to accept as real, Harry Potter as a bad guy, and Woody Harrelson's twin brother. The first movie was serviceable, but forgettable. This one I will also probably forget, but not in a good way. Everyone (other than Isla Fisher) turned up for the sequel that is full of plot holes and doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense. The idea of magicians using their "tricks" as distractions for heists is a brilliant idea. But when the "tricks" aren't believable, the movie fails. When the "tricks" are six people tossing a CGI playing card around a security checkpoint... it's just plain laughable.
6. Captain America: Civil War
Stop. Shut up. I know what you're going to say. And no. You're wrong. This movie is terrible and deep down you know it too. You're just too Marvel-aroused that you can't see it. I know I'm the dude that's SICK of Marvel movies, but I still acknowledge the good ones (like Doctor Strange). This movie was awful-- made even worse because of how honestly good The Winter Soldier was. Aww, I disagree with you. No, I disagree with you. Let's split a team of superheros, have them fight one another over a dumb cause, let there be ZERO actual stakes involved (so much so that the team makes jokes to one another as they're punching the shit out of each other), and let's puss out entirely at the original ending where Cappy is supposed to die. No. It sucked. It didn't make any sense. And there was literally no real conflict here. You're wrong.
Review Here
5. Sausage Party
Okay, this is coming from the guy who literally loves nearly every Seth Rogen movie and thinks raunchy R-rated cartoons should totally be a thing. But, I couldn't stand Sausage Party. The whole thing felt cheap. While Seth Rogen is known for his weed and dick jokes, at least they're usually very creative weed and dick jokes presented in a way that we've never heard weed and dick jokes before. In Sausage Party everything is obvious. Every "joke" made can be seen coming from a mile away. I wanted to like it. I wanted to laugh at talking food (and I did during the "slaughter" scene) but it was all just mostly dumb. For what it's worth-- I still think R-rated cartoons should still be a thing.
Review Here
4. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back
I actually thought the first Jack Reacher movie was really good. I didn't exactly have a desire to see it, but after watching it I really liked it. The second movie is the complete antithesis of the first movie. While the character of Reacher was supposed to be a hard-nosed ex-Army cop, he still had personality and charisma. The second film, I don't think he even cracks a smile. I don't think his lips move in an upward direction. Never mind the ludicrous story (and side plot of him possibly having a daughter), the dialogue is so cheesy and on the nose you want to beat your ears with a rubber spatula anytime someone else talks. Tom Cruise is still the man when it comes to action movies like this, but was there no one else from the first film involved just to go over some dialogue? How did we go from having respected director Werner Herzog as the villain in the first movie to having "that hillbilly dude from Prison Break" as the villain in this one?
3. The Secret Life of Pets
I know I shouldn't harshly judge a kid's movie, but this one really let me down. The trailer for the movie was so adorable and hilarious that the actual product was sewage runoff. First of all, the lead dogs that you're supposed to identify with and feel something for are unlikable dicks. Second, the movie treats kids like they're stupid. This movie could've easily been Toy Story with pets, but it succumbed to the non-Pixar kids movie structure where kids are morons and loud noises and shit jokes (and Kevin Hart) reign supreme. I know all your kids absolutely adore this movie, but I really didn't, and I wanted to so badly.
Review Here
2. Dirty Grandpa
I blame myself for this one. No one else to blame. It shouldn't be on the list because there's no reason I should've seen a movie starring Zac Efron called Dirty Grandpa. Robert De Niro is old and swears a lot. HILARIOUS. Zac Efron is straight-laced and gets called a 'fag' and pushed around by his old grandpa. LAUGHING. Aubrey Plaza is a whore for irony's sake. COMEDY. I've laughed more by reading the label on a can of soup than I did watching this entire movie. I've had more fun eating cauliflower than I did watching this movie-- and I'm not talking that froofy fancy Buzzfeed Tasty cauliflower with all the cheese and shit on it. I'm talking legit cold, crunchy, slightly rancid cauliflower. I've been more satisfied leaving a theater after re-entering it because I think I lost my cell phone, but then start questioning if I actually ever had my cell phone in the first place, but then remembering that Chip texted me during the movie so I must've had my cell phone, but then where is it because it's not in my right pocket and I always keep my phone in my-- wait, it's in my left pocket-- than I was after watching this movie. This was your last mulligan, De Niro.
1. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
MARTHA?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Fuck you.
Review Here
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS: The Boss, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, Nerve, The BFG
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