-Written by guest reviewer Drew Boudreau
I had the privilege of seeing Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice several days after its debut, marked by critical destruction. I am, among my group of movie goers, the forgiving one. I liked X-Men 3 and I liked The Dark Knight Rises despite some problems here and there. If there is a movie that everyone else craps upon, I usually hold it close, stroke its head, and whisper down next to its shivering, tear-laden head 'Shhh...shhh...it's ok...they're just being fanboys...you're not bad.' Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was too difficult to like. I tried to like it. I tried to hold its hand and see things from its point of view. But it wasn't the subject matter. It was the continued choice of otherwise competent characters making outlandish and ignorant choices in the face of simple situations to further the contrived story.
The whole premise of this movie is that Lex Luthor wants Batman and Superman to fight, just for funsies, so he frames Superman for the murder of some (American?) soldiers in the desert, where Superman is saving girlfriend Lois Lane. The soldiers are all killed by the machine guns of Lex Luthor. So...the feds never went to the scene of the crime to see how their soldiers were killed? Never did an autopsy, never even saw the bodies? Nope. Strike 1.
Batman, the great detective, believes Superman to be a threat to the planet, based on the events that occurred in Man of Steel. So he foregoes all detective work and instead makes a plan to kill him, with no further investigation. Strike 2.
When the battle does begin, Batman is armed with Kryptonite weapons that he fires at Superman. Superman recovers, and Batman fires again. Again, Superman recovers. Superman just forgets he can end this all by flying at warp one-gillion with Batman in tow and telling him that Luthor is using him. Strike 3.
Batman is winning the fight nearly the entire time, in a blind killing rage, gleefully punishing Superman (again, we're still not sure why) and as he's about the strike the death blow, Superman mentions his own mother's name, which happens to also be Batman's mother's name. In that one moment, Batman changes course entirely, and decides to be Superman's new BFF. Once again, he has asked no questions or done any research into whether Superman is telling the truth or not, not what his intentions might be. So far, Guy Noir puts this guy to shame in the detective department. Strike, what is that, 4?
Let me take this moment to also explain how this movie shoots itself in the foot with a sawed-off shotgun. It attempts to paint a dark, realistic picture of modern city life in Gotham and Metropolis. It opens '18 months' after the Man of Steel fight that completely wiped out downtown Metropolis--and the whole city is rebuilt. To put this fairy-tale number in perspective, I went to visit Ground Zero in March of 2003, and there was still rubble from the two skyscrapers that fell, that were being cleaned up. It took 10+ years to even begin planning of the Freedom Tower. And in Metropolis, the equivalent of the entirety of midtown Manhattan was sacked and burnt, and it's back to normal in a year and half. That's two strikes right there. 6, I think.
Now to the subject I liked the least, and like talking about the least as well. Jessie Eisenberg. I have never seen worse film acting in a big budget movie. He plays Lex Luthor as disturbed, paranoid and giddy with unstable evil plots. Unfortunately, he also plays him with all the skill of a high school student taking his first acting class who thinks anyone can play Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. I cannot figure out if director Zack Snyder had a clause that said he wasn't allowed to direct Eisenberg, or if he just wasn't allowed to fire him. I have to believe it's the second. When you see this film, you'll realize how hard it is to play a mental affliction with nuance. Three more strikes for Eisenberg. The side is retired.
The visual aspects of the movie are fantastic, as are the first few minutes of the film, seeing the ending of the Man of Steel from Gotham, just across the river. All the actors, sans Eisenberg, give engaging and full performances, including Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Laurence Fishbourne, Amy Adams, and Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman (whose extremely brief screen time was absolutely nailed). However, there is an awkward moment when Cavill and Affleck are meeting for the first time, and the energy in the theatre peaks, until Eisenberg joins them and it's like watching the guy who won the walk-on role join the real actors. (In the same scene, Luthor says to Bruce Wayne he is glad he finally got Bruce into Metropolis. The billionaire businessman has never ventured into the biggest city in the country? One more strike. Team forfeit.)
There are far more script flaws I could go into, but I get no satisfaction ripping on a movie. I hope this was just birthing pains, a necessary plot device to enable the launch of the Justice League movies, which I also hope meet success. But this film shows you that the necessity of a plot device (Batman and Superman have to fight!) will make good screenwriters create dumb narratives, and otherwise smart heroes useless when it matters most.
C-
Editor's Note: Though I didn't see the film, and have no intention of seeing it (yes, that probably makes me a bad critic, but I refuse to see Douche Snyder wreck the only superhero [Batman] I still give a shit about), I feel this clip from the incredibly underrated 90s film 'Angus' accurately sums up why Superman is a terrible character:
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