A Grown Man's Real Time Liveblog of Fifty Shades of Grey

So, I lost a bet with my girlfriend.  The bet itself doesn't matter, nor does it how I lost the bet, it's the stipulations that have led me to this point.  You see, the loser of the bet is to be subjected to a film that he or she would NEVER have seen other than by losing said bet.  The winner gets to choose the film and the loser must watch the film.  She chose Fifty Shades of Grey because she knows that I would never see this movie in my life and to even give Redbox any money for it goes against everything I stand for.  What's worse, is that she didn't want to see it either.  Ladies and gentlemen, I found the one girl that had no desire to see the movie or read the book... yet I still ended up having to see it because she's part human and part pure evil.  To be fair, had I won the bet, she'd have been watching Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  I still feel like I got the worse end of the stick here.

However, I decided that if I was going to put myself through this... I would have to live blog my experience with all of you...  So, below... is my real time reactions to what is happening on screen with the classic tale of... Fifty Shades of Grey.

OPENING SCENE:
--So, we've got a view of Seattle and the lead pervert guy (I know this from the trailers) is jogging around an empty city.  Apparently people only exist in different parts of the city at this time.

--I've learned so much about his character so far... like he has a lot of variations of blue neckties.  Also that he has a terrible perm.

--Danny Elfman did the music?? Oh, my God.  Someone must've threatened his family or something.

--Okay, we got the lead girl.  She's wearing a terrible floral shirt and... yep... she's putting her hair in a ponytail.  Could the filmmakers be screaming virgin any harder than they are right now??

--Ohhhh, her name is Anastasia Steele... that's DEFINITELY NOT a porn name.

--How clumsy is she?!? She trips and falls right in front of the bad perm guy (code name: Grey).

--So, she's shy and nervous and barely can ask him interview questions as he locks onto her with some serious rape eyes.  Like holy hell.

--And he's got pencils with his name on them right on his desk (this, so far, believe it or not, is the least douchy thing about him).

--The dude like owns a company and tells her he's apparently giving a graduation commencement speech at her college.  Jesus, do they know this guy is like 14 years old?

--He tells her that "people say I don't have a heart".  Wow.  He's like some sort of freaky bondage Grinch or something.

--She keeps biting her damn lip while he talks.  They're trying to make her ugly.  This is like the Skinemax She's All That.

--Oh, my God, are they pushing this virgin thing.  She works in a hardware store!  Just tattoo virgin on her forehead... or lesbian... I'm not sure what they're going for yet.

--And creep ass Grey just happens to show up out of fucking nowhere to her hardware store to buy tape and rope... everything he buys suggests he's mostly a murderer... and yet she's getting all complicated in her pants making 'do-it-yourself' jokes with the Zodiac killer.

--Okay, this is much too much boring mindless exposition... let's Fast Forward a little bit...

--I hit play and he immediately saves her from getting hit by a bike messenger.  I assume she was just walking alone and he came out from lurking in the bushes somewhere to save her just in time.  Blah blah blah.  He saves her.  She creams a little.  He tells her to stay away from him, that he's bad news.

--Her roommate says it's time to party and we have a two minute scene of them doing make-up on her to make her prettier.  This movie has just gone full 90s.

--Grey has sent her first editions of some literature.  Oh, so he's hot and has a brain.  Wait, what?? This is psycho shit!

--She legit has a flip phone.

--Hahahahaha so she drunk texts him and the shot of him is him sitting in a hotel room looking at a computer shirtless with a glass of wine.  It's either porn or good places to bury a body.

--After she hangs up on him, giving him ZERO indication of where she is... he STALKS HER PHONE TO SHOW UP OUT OF NOWHERE AND DATE RAPE HER.

--Her friend Jose confesses his innocent love for her.  In the midst of this, once again, Grey, JUMPS FROM THE SHADOWS, to shove him out of the way and establish some Anastasia dominance.

--How cute.  She's such a virgin, alcohol makes her faint.

--If anyone had any semblance of a personality, I might be willing to take this movie more seriously.  Probably not though.

--She wakes up hungover.  Dude is sitting in front of her staring at her like some dog.  Makes her toast.  He whips off his shirt, says "If you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit for a week".  Okay, dude... right... you own a helicopter and a six-pack because your dick is enormous.

--DUDE STRAIGHT UP JUST CRAWLED ACROSS THE BED AND EATS THE TOAST OUT OF HER HAND.  And she's not upset at this.  She's just been essentially kidnapped.  She's showing some major signs of Stockholm Syndrome.

--Dude tells her he as to come up with legal documentation in order to touch her.  However, he decides to "fuck the paperwork" and chomp on her face for an uncomfortable few seconds in an elevator.

--They're not going on a date.  This date immediately consists of a helicopter.  Does she not remember he bought tape and rope from her???

--"Are you going to make love to me?" "I don't make love.  I fuck. Hard." -Actual lines spoken in this movie.  I shit you not.

--Now it has officially been revealed that she is a virgin.  Decides it's his job to de-virginize her before they get into more freaky stuff.

--And, of course, because she's a virgin... she only has granny panties.

--At least they got a classic 'ass in the moonlight' shot of him.

--She wakes up from sex.  Hears him playing the piano.  This gets her in the mood for round 2.  (If only it was that easy)

--Now they've decided to take a bath together using a yellow sponge from 1887.  There is no soap to be found.  They just decide to relax in some dirty sex water.

--Dude's mother just literally interrupted them having sex.  It makes wayyyy more sense that he is DEF a serial killer.

--Fast forwarding some more...

--So apparently he was driving her home and they decided to take a detour to have a conversation in the middle of the forest.  This is normal.

--So, he has now purchased her a computer for her to do some "research".  And I half expected his dick to be the background of the home screen.

--We get explanation of the sex contract.  Safe words, conduct, etc.  Tells her she has to eat right-- aka if dis bitch gets fat the deal is over.

--He legit breaks into her home again!  She blew him off via email so he just showed up in her house. And she's not scared! They strangle-bang!  And in the middle of it, I shit you not, she says "owwie".

--In the midst of this angry break-in sex, he SPITS WINE INTO HER MOUTH.  He has essentially turned this girl into a human garbage disposal.

--Now they have a business meeting discussing the negotiations of his "sex contract".

--Awwww.  She won't let him anally fist her.  PRUDE!

--"What are butt plugs?" Really?? Of all the creepy shit in that contract, you have to ask the one question that is so self-explanatory, it's the name???  What's a lawn mower?

--Sushi break!  (Not me... the two in the movie in the midst of talking about fisting and dildos and genital clamps...)

--"I would like to fuck you into the middle of next week." - Again, a REAL line spoken in the movie.  Probably a fan-favorite among housewives reading the book.  EL James: "I really want to write something dominant and sexy.  I want to fuck you... well, it's probably Saturday and a good fuckin would take like four or five days which would put them into the middle of the next week... wait a minute!"

--And now she graduates.  Que out of place and irrelevant gay joke.  There we go.

--"And so it begins"-- It has officially launched into her getting some ill-fated sexual adventure while he treats her like a sexually abused petulant child.

--Legit bends her over his knees and spanks her. "Welcome to my world"... I punish a lot of ass here.

--He just french braided her hair.  He might actually be gay.

--How does she not realize that his sex room is so intricately set up and vastly stocked up with shit that it's CLEARLY been used several times before with several different women.  She's definitely getting a lot of sexual backwash.

--I was waiting for the smelling her panties and stuffing them in his pants moment that's in all romantic films.  Thank God they didn't forget that one.

--Awww he just asked her out to dinner.  It's like his way of saying "you know what? You let me beat the shit out of you and you were such a good sport about it-- I'd like to get you food in order to humanize you just a tad."

--Boringgggg fast forwarding....

--Hahahahaha.  At this point, he has bought her a computer, a car, and an apartment yet the movie is almost over and she still owns the same shitty flip phone from 2002.

--Back to the sex dungeon-- can someone explain why he always has to wear the same ripped jeans with no shirt on?  "It's time to Ambercrombie and Fuck".

--He just molested her with a peacock feather.  The peacock I'm sure he brutally murdered with his bare hands and then bathed in its blood.

--Jesus.  He just goes to town whipping her in the stomach and chest like she's some sort of lady Mandingo fighter.

--"I'm fifty shades of fucked up." -I can't make this shit up.  I really can't.

--She asks him why he NEEDS to punish her and he replies by telling her that if he told her she'd never look at him the same again.  Yes, because all men know the exact root of their sexual perversions and just accept it.

--So, of course, after he says vague rapey murdery shit, she asks him to show her the worst punishment he can give so she can know.  This results in a reenactment of the whipping scene from 12 Years A Slave.

--NOW she finally gets offended.  I thought it would take a little more.  Like getting pissed on and dragged into the street by her hair, sold to some Chechnyan dude for a hundred and fifty bucks and getting her finger prints filed off so no one could identify her.  I guess she just has more standards than I thought.

--Jesus lady, you don't have to be so hard on the guy.  He did buy you all that crap.  The last you could do is let him smack you around a little bit so he can get an erection.

--She leaves his ass... gets in the elevator... and THE MOVIE ENDS?!?!?!? Of all the fuckery!!! The writer literally had the audacity to end this movie with a cliffhanger so retarted people can give more of their retarded money to this retarded franchise.

--This girl is legitimately scarred for life.  She's left him finally, but sex with anyone else is going to be so foreign to her.  "I don't get it?  Why aren't you beating me??"  "You love me?  But, you haven't spit in my face and broken a couple of my ribs... how can I ever trust you again?"