I'm seriously giving up on the horror genre this year. There were some decent-looking entries that wound up flat and unscary and, ultimately, pointless. Every time I see a new preview for an upcoming horror movie I suddenly get Alzheimer's and convince myself that it won't be helmed by talentless horror hacks trying to spew out something that ten other people have done better. Last summer, one of the best horror movies of this decade came out: The Conjuring. It was a Hitchcock-esque film that relied on scares not of loud noises or gore... but based on careful filmmaking, great writing, and some seriously terrifying minds. It was directed by James Wan who also helped to helm Insidious as well as the first Saw. He knows horror. He knows every facet of horror and not since the early career of Shyamalan has someone broken onto the horror scene so effectively as James Wan and writing partner Leigh Whannell. The Conjuring made more than 300 million dollars so there was no doubt there was going to be some sort of prequel, sequel, spinoff, etc. The most obvious choice was... the Annabelle doll from the beginning of the film. Had James Wan been any important part of the film other than Producer, I'm guessing we would've gotten a semi-decent, effectively scary film. Since he wasn't... what we were given was the lamest, most unscary, unsettleingly boring "horror" film this entire year.
I'm quite disappointed in writing this. I was very excited to see Annabelle. I was hoping this was the horror movie to break the streak of shite this year. The first trailer released... which was essentially the beginning of the film... was a pretty frightening and effective trailer. If the entire film had held that momentum, it would've turned out much differently. But, what went wrong goes all the way back to the writing. We meet Mia and John in the 1960s. Mia is pregnant. And white. John is a handsome doctor. And also white. They go to church. They smile. They are the poster white people of the sixties. And much like normal white people in the 60s they are the most stale characters concieved for a horror film. I would've rather watched a virgin, a womanizer, a token druggie, a black guy, and a jock than these two. They're human yogurt (minus the fruit on bottom). They're kale. Except kale looks exciting. They're pieces of cardboard with lazy human recordings attached to jaws moving up and down. Nothing either of these two do or converse about has any sort of importance attached to it and all it does is induce a nap. This is why most people will hate this movie. They have nothing to talk about that will relate to anyone watching the film. They talk about white people problems and babies. There's not even good conversation that leads up to terror.
Well, after some very unnecessary exposition, some shit goes down involving Mia getting stabbed in the stomach and John having to fight off two murderous hippies, the soul of one of the hippies attaches itself to Mia's new creepy murder doll. From there on, it's following Mia and John in their new home with their new baby. Mia is haunted by a black statue looking demon who provides the most laughs of the film. John is... well... a bleached-teeth 60s douche who is never around. Luckily for Mia, there's handy people around to help her out with her problems like a priest who totally knows everything she's going through. Also, the older lady who runs the bookstore that leads her straight to the books she needs to read in order to figure out which demon is haunting her. This all leads up to an annoying ending that involves Mia who may or may not have to sacrifice herself in order to save her child. I won't say what happens, but normally when a good character is created and there's that life or death dilemma happening, you tend to hope everything works out okay. Once I figured out exactly what was happening, I was HOPING everyone was dead. I just wanted to movie to end. In the first hour, the doll is shown maybe a total of three times.
Oh, and nothing is scary. Nothing. Beyond what was shown in the previews there is nothing added that provides any sort of terror to anything. If you recall from The Conjuring the terror of the Annabelle doll is waiting for it to do something freaky. Yet, it never does. If you know this and remember this, then you'll know that it does nothing. It just looks creepy and makes doors close on their own. It's sooooooo boring. I'd rather watch Anna Karenina every day than see this movie again... there's probably more scares too. I really wanted to give Annabelle an F grade because it basically fails in every aspect it attempts to succeed in... but that would mean that I put it on the same level as Lucy this year. And fuck Lucy.
D-
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