I have almost an unhealthy love for Schwarzenegger films. For some reason his movies have a personal connection to my childhood, my father, past friendships, etc., and watching him in theaters after a ten year hiatus was momentous. I still remember the first time my father showed me Terminator 2, one of the first R rated movies I ever watched. I still remember saving up my own hard-earned allowance money and buying a VHS copy of Kindergarten Cop from Costco and watching it over and over and over. I still remember staying up all night with a friend, the night before he had to have his wisdom teeth pulled, and having an Arnold marathon consisting of Commando, Raw Deal, Predator, and even that shitty one with Jim Belushi where Arnold is Russian. And while most may have a sour outlook towards him due to his politics or personal life or whatever, I will always watch fondly as Arnold, aged as he is, kicks some righteous ass.
The biggest worry I had about this film is that it wouldn't feel like an Arnold movie. There are certain qualities every Arnold movie has that makes it so. You've got to have the cheesy one-liners. I'm not talking about "I'll be back." I'm talking like when Arnold snaps a guy's neck on a plane, sits him in a seat, rests his head on a pillow and tells the stewardess, "don't mess with my friend here... he's dead tired." It also has to have the classic Arnold grunting noises. And lastly, it can't take itself too seriously. Arnold knows who his audience is. He's not there to make good movies, he's there to make movies that are so damn entertaining you want to watch them over and over. Thankfully, The Last Stand didn't disappoint in any of the aforementioned criteria.
Arnie plays Ray Owens, the Sheriff of a hick ass town on the border of Arizona and Mexico. An escaped convict, Gabriel Cortez, a huge cartel boss, is heading to the border, with a hostage in tow, and has to pass through Arnold's town to do it. Needless to say when the FBI (led by Forest Whitaker) calls Ray to warn him of the impending death and destruction heading his way... he snaps into action. Unfortunately, most of the town is gone all weekend for a football championship game. The only people left are a few deputies (Luis Guzman included) and a few screwball townsfolk willing to lend a hand (Johnny Knoxville). That's it. That's the plot. And it's perfect. It doesn't have to get all convoluted with intricate plot twists and a huge Ocean's 11 escape plan. It's simple, it's fun, it's Arnold.
Arnold is getting old. Yes, this is a fact. It's been a long ten years since we last saw him in a leading role, but his return makes it seem like it was no time at all. It's like riding a bike. He's still the same hammy Arnold who knows exactly what his fans want. Granted, there may not be a whole hell of a lot of fans left, but for those of us seeking mindless action this certainly fills the void. And, it's not too stupid, either. There's actually a very entertaining movie unfolding. It's not just entirely mindless Expendables action. These are characters and a town that you genuinely want to watch saved.
Korean director Jee-Woon Kim does an excellent job at turning a podunk little town into the scene of an epic battle remniscient of all the old westerns that led to greatness of the action genre. And yeah, there is a lot of spaghetti western tropes in this film. It reminded me of a slightly stupider, a little more corny, and a lot bloodier version of High Noon. Each supporting character lends to the fun of the movie despite the pre-inclinations that they would weaken it. Even Johnny Knoxville, who's only in it for about twenty minutes tops adds to the fun. He's not looking to cheese it up and get the cheap laugh, he's there to blast some fools as well.
You already know from the trailer whether or not you're going to see this movie or not. I don't have to post a review to change your mind. There are three types of people in this world: those who like Arnold, those who don't like Arnold, and those who like Mel Gibson. If you're one of the latter two... well, stay the hell away from this movie. But, if you're like me, and you still have that soft spot for Arnie, and you enjoy being entertained to the utmost... check out The Last Stand. Because, I'll tell ya, it's damn fun.
B
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