Big Peck's Guide To Christmas

One week away from Christmas and you've probably just started your shopping or just realized that you probably shouldn't have gotten that extra gift for that extra someone because you've now overdrawn from your Bank of America account and you are now an extra $35.00 in the hole.  Don't worry, I'm with you.  But, you're out of school, out of work, on a bit of a Christmas break for the next two weeks and you're just broke!  All of your money went to gifts and alcohol.  You want to go out and see movies, but there's nothing out there right now you're willing to part money with to go see.  You're holding out for Django Unchained and Les Miserables, I completely understand.  That's why I'm here to help.

I've compiled a list of the best Christmas movies that you need to watch before Christmas and each Christmas.  I'm not talking about your typical It's A Wonderful Life/Miracle on 34th Street type movies that are just understood to be the best Christmas movies.  I'm talking about those that sometimes get overlooked before Christmas.  These, my friends, are the best Christmas movies... ever.

SCROOGED:

 








80s and early 90s Bill Murray is the reason he's such the iconic human being he is today.  He gave us Ghostbusters and Groundhog Day and Caddyshack, but more importantly, he gave us the Christmas classic Scrooged. It's a contemporary take on the classic tale about a rich TV producer who's every inch of asshole as the real Ebenezer.  His company is preparing to do a live version of A Christmas Carol for Christmas just as Murray is visited by three Christmas ghosts to turn his life around.  With hilarious cameos by Carol Kane and Bobcat Goldthwait, make sure you watch this one for the laughs.

THE SANTA CLAUSE:

 











Don't get me wrong on this one.  I'm not advocating for The Santa Clause trilogy at all.  In fact, two and three would probably make my worst Christmas movies of all time list.  This is why I think the first one gets such a bad rap these days.  Plus the fact that Tim Allen decided to do every Christmas movie ever made ever.  Ever.  But, if you haven't seen it recently, I urge you to give it a revisit.  This is what good children's movie writing its.  It's clever, it's funny, it's got great one-liners from Allen, some so tongue-in-cheek you'll be laughing right along side the kid next to you who honestly doesn't get the joke.  It's not cemented in the ridiculous, but grounded in a reality that seems plausible.  And the reindeer don't TALK.  Please explain to me why the goddamn reindeer talk in the next ones???  This is one of my all time favorite Christmas movies and it will always be a stand-alone movie with no sequels.

THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT:

 

This movie, is not just one of my favorite Christmas movies, nor is it one of my all-time favorite action movies ever made... this movie makes the list of one of my favorite movies ever.  It just so happens to be set around Christmastime.  It's written by Shane Black (Lethal Weapon, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) who just so happens to be one of the smartest writers in the game.  His script stars Geena Davis as a woman suffering from amnesia who ends up finding out that she used to be an assassin for the government, with a little help of a private detective (Samuel L. Jackson) she looks to put an end to her past and kill off every single person that stands in her way.  I realize it does sound a little Bourne-ish, but trust me, it's worth it.  It's incredibly violent.

This is probably the second most violent Christmas movie in existence (the other one appears below).  It's a role you just wouldn't expect out of Geena Davis... a badass.  It's also my favorite role from Sam J.  I realize I'll get some flack for this because his role as Jules in Pulp Fiction is supposed to be the best, but his Mitch character in this film is fantastic.  He's funny even when he's on the verge of death.  He's got the sharpest tongue of any character.  And he's just having all kinds of fun.  If you've never heard of this film, I strongly urge you to see it.  It's a classic that no one's really seen.

NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION:

 Whether you're a fan of the Vacation movies or you've only ever just seen this one, no one can deny that it's already a classic.  Somehow, no matter what John Hughes touched, it seemed to be able to last throughout the ages.  Clark W. Griswold and family are taking their craziest vacation yet... they're staying home for Christmas.  There's so many wonderful characters and some of the greatest Chevy Chase moments on film.  The dry, exploding turkey, the large Christmas tree, the house lights, the swimming pool, the kidnapping of Clark's boss, the squirrel.  Christmas Vacation is one of those Christmas movies that will be remembered probably as much as A Christmas Carol.  And while I have other Christmas films on this list, almost none of

"Merry Christmas!  Shitter was full!"

them will hold up as well as this one will. It's perplexing to wonder how John Hughes was able to write such a memorable Christmas movie so easily almost twenty five years ago and we haven't been able to recapture that magic ever since (I'm sorry Four Christmases, but no.)



JINGLE ALL THE WAY:

Don't give me any crap for this one please.  You know you love this movie just as much as I do.  You know that when you see any action figure in a store, you immediately think of Turbo Man.  You know that when you've made a batch of cookies and someone prematurely eats one you automatically think in Arnold-voice "Put the cookie down!".  It's okay.  You can admit it.  You don't have to hide your shame anymore.  Don't worry if the movie is somewhat kind of stupid.  Don't worry that you have to admit that you enjoy a Sinbad movie.  It's okay.  Arnold is hilarious in it.  Sinbad too.  Phil Hartman is a genius.  This might be the greatest Christmas movie of all time that no one is willing to admit to it.

HOME ALONE:

Do I really have to explain myself here?  Does anyone NOT love Home Alone?  It's probably the most quotable Christmas movie (oh look John Hughes strikes again).  When you were a kid you loved Kevin McCallister.  You wanted to be left alone too so you could set intricate traps to foil criminals plans.  Now that you're older, you love Harry and Marv.  You watch little Culkin for nostalgia, but can't wait to get to the next scene with those Sticky Bandits.  Definitely don't forget to watch this movie before Christmas.

BAD SANTA:

 












Bad Santa is a naughty ass movie.  It's one of the filthiest comedies I've still ever seen to this day.  However, it's also one of the funniest dark comedies I've seen.  The best part about it is it knew what it wanted to be and did it.  It knew it wanted to be the grossest, most offensive and disgustingly hilarious Christmas movie of all time.  So, congratulations, unlike movies like Ted who could've lived up to the standard it wanted to be but failed, Bad Santa reigns supreme.  I'm curious, though, how the movie would've turned out if the directors had cast their first choice of Santa instead of Billy Bob.  Bill Murray was up for the part, the Jack Nicholson.  Both had to drop out, but both would've been interesting choices and I'm not entirely convinced either (forgive me Bill Murray Gods) would've packed as much of a disgusting pop as Billy Bob Thornton.  This is the movie to watch, late-night before Christmas Eve.

DIE HARD:

We've reached the greatest non-traditional Christmas movie of all time.  This movie should be watched every year on the year.  There shouldn't be a present opened without having watched Die Hard first.  In John McClane we trust.  Christmas just wouldn't be the same without him.  If you haven't seen it, then you don't deserve a Christmas this year.  Go out, buy it three times, and watch each one five times.  Before you are allowed to open a single present, before you are allowed to even smell the delicious Christmas ham, you better know every goddamn line of this film.  If you haven't watched Die Hard yet this year, gimme a call.  I'll join you in a viewing.  But you have to watch it BEFORE Christmas.  Only the greatest Christmas movie of all time can be watched ON Christmas.  And of course, that movie is...

A CHRISTMAS STORY:

You can't deny it.  You can't tell me that A Christmas Story isn't the greatest Christmas classic in the history of Jesus' birth.  Ralphie, Slick, Randy, The Old Man, Santa.... everyone is such a wonderful character.  The most iconic and memorable scenes come from this movie.  You'll never look at a frosted pole again without thinking about if your tongue will stick.  You'll never look at a Red Ryder BB Gun the same without thinking "you'll shoot your eye out."  Every time you see a prop, novelty leg lamp you immediately think "Frah-gee-lay... must be Italian."  There's a reason TBS plays this movie on loop for 24 hours on Christmas and no other channel does anything like that.  It's because it's the only movie good enough to watch on Christmas day.  In the background of opening presents, eating dinner, family arguments, everything.  A Christmas Story IS the best Christmas movie of all time.  And I hope on Christmas day, all of us, will be watching it together.  Merry Christmas!