The Happytime Murders: A Muppet Of A Mess

While  it may seem like a good idea and the right time to bring forth to the masses an R-rated Muppet movie... it might not have been. That time might have already passed. I understand the desire for it. Look at what's popular right now - sequels, prequels, comic book adaptations, Star Wars and everything tentpole related. You know what studios are unfortunately not spending money making - comedies. There's only so much Thanos related destruction we can take before we wanna just sit back and watch a dirty R-rated comedy in the vein of Ted. So, when Jim Hensen's kid decides he wants to make a film noir/detective spoof with comedy kingpin Melissa McCarthy and foul-mouthed puppets... you say yes. There's a hook... there's something familiar for viewers to latch onto... and the R-rating makes the whole thing intriguing. Unfortunately, the film forgot the most important aspect - to be funny. The Happytime Murders, I'm sorry to say, is not a good movie. It's not worthy of your time or your money. But that doesn't mean that I hated it or even that I'm angry that I wasted my time seeing it. No, I'm not angry... I'm just disappointed.

Pulling off a niche comedy like The Happytime Murders is no easy feat. You want to go for the R... then go for the hard R, baby. Go balls out. Do anything and everything that warrants an R rating. Ted did a pretty decent job with this, but the best example I can think of is Team America: World Police. They went all-out batshit hard R. There's violence and blood and guts and bodily fluids and banging marionettes and foul language and something to say. They went for it. Had it just been a bunch of puppets dropping F-bombs, the joke would've run out very quickly as it does in The Happytime Murders. That's the problem with the film - it doesn't go balls out. It still plays like someone filming one joke for YouTube that somehow accidentally spanned 90 minutes. You've got a detective movie about a killer going around and offing puppets, yet there's no real violence in the film. Genre-crossing comedies like this succeed a whole lot more when they're able and willing to cross boundaries. Hell, even the recent The Spy Who Dumped Me threw in some hilariously graphic violence because the filmmakers of that movie know that toning down the action means cheapening the experience. The last thing you want to do is have the audience notice you watering down your movie because you don't have the stones to go all the way. But that's what happens with The Happytime Murders. The lack of stones means the movie and its action sequences are bloodless and humorless and lack any tension whatsoever.

The film follows Phil Phillips, puppet and disgraced cop turned Private Detective in a world where humans and puppets live together. He's hired by another puppet Sandra, who's being blackmailed and wants to find out who's behind it. During the search, a killer has been offing members of an old TV show The Happytime Gang, including Phil's brother. Phil must now join up with his ex-partner Connie (McCarthy) in order to find out who is killing these puppets off and why. Phil and Connie have somewhat of a difficult history as their partnership didn't end on good terms and the two are at each other's throats the entire time. Rounding out the cast is Maya Rudolph as Phil's bubbly assistant Bubbles, Leslie David Baker (Stanely from The Office) as Connie's Lieutenant, and Joel McHale as a dickhead FBI Agent. What could've been a really funny cast put into a hilariously crude idea of mixing puppets with humans (think in the vein of Who Framed Roger Rabbit), turns into nothing more than a good idea with a poor execution.

The film isn't without its merits. While it may not be very funny, it's not entirely a tragedy. McCarthy is still a delight to watch. She has the ability to make even the worst movies still somewhat enjoyable. Every time she was on screen, it gave me hope for the rest of the film. Hell, I don't know why they didn't hand her over the script and ask her to do a rewrite. It would've been a hell of a lot funnier than it wound up being. Maya Rudolph is also fantastic. Though she isn't given much to do, her presence, like McCarthy, makes any rotten scene much much more palpable. Finally, a lot of the puppets were visually funny. Most of the laughs illicted from myself came from a new puppet popping up and me chuckling at its quirky design or voice. However, this also made the movie that much more disappointing. You see a hilariously designed puppet, you expect it to make you laugh in the scene. And when it doesn't (as most don't), it feels like more of a let-down.

The puppets aren't given much to do other than say filthy things in a strange voice. Sure, I'd probably laugh if I heard Fozzie Bear say "I'll suck your dick for 50 cents", but if that's all I'd get for an hour and a half, is it really worth it? And that's where going further with pushing the envelope would've helped The Happytime Murders. The most offensive scene is the one that's already in the trailer - Phillips having puppet sex with a client and climaxing white silly string all over the room. Like that's LITERALLY as far as the film goes with it's raunchiness. Compared to the sex scene in Team America, the Happytime sex scene seems like Nickelodeon fodder. There were so many opportunities for comedy with each scene feeling like its leading up to something unfathomably funny, but just cutting to the next scene or fizzling out without a laugh. When I could start anticipating the jokes before they happened, that's when I realized the movie was just lazy, thinking it's using the idea of R-rated puppets as comedy, instead of a crutch.

The movie is just a misfire. It was a good idea that was certain to bring in the crowds looking for a high concept comedy at the end of a loud summer. But, it just didn't come together. The filmmakers relied on a singular joke (puppets saying dirty things) to make an entire movie funny and it wore out its welcome by the trailer. The trailer surprised us with filthy puppets, but the movie was just a lazy extension. I didn't hate seeing it because, like I said, I love McCarthy and her presence does make the movie seem better than I'm sure it still even is. But, if everyone was hoping this would open the floodgates for more R-rated Muppet movies, I think this project is dead on arrival.

D+

The Spy Who Dumped Me: A Movie Better Than Its Bad Title

I don't think the marketing people behind The Spy Who Dumped Me did a great job selling this movie for what it is. The trailers showcased a cheesy, watered down, PG-13 romp in the vein of the flop My Super Ex-Girlfriend. It looked like harmless fun that would provide a scarce handful of laughs that's better off being viewed on a Tuesday night after a long day at work. The title of the film does it no favors either. Sure, it's supposed to be a play on the James Bond film The Spy Who Loved Me, but the title parody has already been done by the far superior Austin Powers franchise. The title also doesn't accurately depict the essence of the film either. It's not a pun-based, family-friendly romantic-comedy-action romp. In fact, the movie was completely different than the marketing had led my expectations to become. And it was, in fact, a pleasant surprise.

Mila Kunis is Audrey. She's celebrating her 30th birthday and pining over her ex-boyfriend Drew (Justin Theroux) who just recently dumped her over a text message. There to pick up the pieces is her best friend Morgan (Kate McKinnon). What Audrey doesn't know - and very soon after her birthday finds out - is that Drew is actually a spy for the CIA. He's on the run, being hunted by a terrorist organization. When Drew shows up to Morgan's apartment, he gives Audrey a trophy telling her that there's something very important inside and she needs to get it to Vienna and give it to Drew's contact. Drew is killed and Audrey and Morgan, with the trophy in tote, are being hunted by the same organization. The two of them hop a flight to Vienna and accidentally find themselves as makeshift spies trying to save the world - and each other - before it's too late. This is where the adventure begins.

Much like 2015's Spy with Melissa McCarthy, The Spy Who Dumped Me doesn't hold back any punches. It's very much an R-rated buddy movie. But the dynamic between the two stars are what really hold the film together. First off, there's no strained conflict between the two of them that buddy movies so often put together. They're best friends - and they remain so throughout the film. The reason they find themselves in so much trouble so often is that the two of them are actually trying to accomplish the mission, even as "normal citizens". The other thing that really works about the film is that neither of them are inferior in a fight. There's no cowering and crying in the way that most male writers write women in distress. Whether it's a fist fight, a knife fight, or a gunfight - they always rise to the challenge. They're not experts, but they're not incompetent either. And writer/director Susanna Fogel has a lot of fun with the action. The gunfights are bloody, the fist fights are stylized, and it's actually a pretty capable spy movie. There's a lot of action and none of it is watered down. Fogel wants her audience to have a lot of fun, and for the most part, they will.

I've never really jumped on the Mila Kunis bandwagon. I've never found her particularly funny in almost anything she's ever been in (save for Forgetting Sarah Marshall). Her characters are usually the same and her voice is like an audible cheese grater, but here the obnoxiousness that I normally associate with her has been pretty toned down. She's very likable in the film and as a main character she's fine. But she's not the reason to see The Spy Who Dumped Me, it's McKinnon all the way. She's never bad in anything, but here she's given a co-lead role and she soars with it. She had our entire sold-out theater rolling on the floor in stitches nearly every scene she was in. I've been waiting for someone to write her a well-rounded and hilarious role and Fogel has done a damn good job with it. Had it not been for her, I don't know if I would've given this movie the time of day, but I'm definitely glad I did. Now, someone just needs to give her starring roles so we can get over-saturated by McKinnon and NEVER EVER tire of her.

The movie is a lot more fun and certainly a lot funnier than it should've been. Sure, it's not a perfect movie. The espionage plot line is definitely on the more simplistic side (it's no Mission: Impossible), and the third act is a lot weaker than the first two and a lot of the comedy is lost by then, but it's still a good buddy movie to see that almost everyone will enjoy. There's comedy. There's action. There's plot twists and turns. There's even some great cameos. And to top it off, it's just nice to see women directors doing comedy with women actors and showing the doubting world that these movies are just as funny and make just as much money as movies that feature a full sausage fest cast. Trust me. Put whatever expectations you have for this movie out of your mind because it will exceed them tenfold. You will laugh harder and more often than the trailers suggest you will and the writing is much better than the title hints at. The Spy Who Dumped me is the perfect film to cap a long and big season of summer movies.

B-

Slender Man: The Pluto Nash Of Horror Movies

I feel like I need to explain myself whenever I make a bad movie decision. Right now - August 11th - Movie Pass is on its last legs. It has changed its service from a movie a day for $9.99 to 3 movies a month for the same price. This goes into effect on August 15th. So, seeing as how I see more movies than probably any of you reading this - I'm going to abuse the last days of my movie/day deal. This, however, includes me seeing movies that I wouldn't normally see - which just so happens to be Slender Man. Okay. Now that that's out of the way, I want to take the rest of this paragraph to share my utmost respect for Slender Man's director Sylvain White and writer David Birke. I give the two of you the most emphatic standing ovation. Why? Because here I am - for the last twelve years trying to become a writer. I've written over a dozen scripts, each time trying to hone my craft and make something worthy of Hollywood's attention and money. I constantly re-write. I'm always doing research and character outlines and making sure my attention to detail when it comes to my screenplays is as crisp and perfect as humanly possible. But you guys... you guys didn't do any of that. You wrote and directed a movie that showcased just how little you care about not just the story, but anyone witnessing it. You've haphazardly collected a bunch of words on what I can only assume was written in crayon on the back of a box of crackers and called it a script. You cast a bunch of people you duped with money and filmed them with one direction - "look scared and I don't give a shit what else you do." You conned production companies to give you money and mass produce your busted anal fissure of a movie. You must be the two most brilliant figures in Hollywood and have shown me the light. I've failed thus far because I've cared too much. You've succeeded by giving the same amount of energy toward your Hollywood careers as a three year old does at passing a quantum physics test. So, as much as I want to tell you both to go eat an entire bag of stale dick-sliders with a side of fries... instead, you get my respect and applause.

You've all heard of the Slender Man myth, right? It started on some two-bit hack-ass website (something about Creepy Pasta) featuring blurry photos and drawn pictures of a tall scary dude with long arms and no face. The pictures themselves were unsettling, but what really brought the myth of the American forefront was the real life event of two young girls (who have now been diagnosed with severe mental illnesses) who took their friend out into the woods and stabbed her multiple times because they thought Slender Man told them to do so. Now, Hollywood has cashed in on this creature, constructing a film out of a picture and bunch of sad assholes on the internet lending their mythos to the story. It's not a bad idea. I mean, it's a creepy idea. And there's plenty of internet fodder out there to use in constructing something truly terrifying. However, this would've had to have been done by someone with any talent or drive and we already know White and Birke simply scoff and piss all over insinuations of "talent". Why do any research or try to figure out what actually scares people in 2018 when you can vomit consonants and vowels onto a crusty used paper bag and call it a script? Because the truth is, when it comes to the Slender Man movie - there is no story. There are no characters. And there sure as hell aren't any scares.

Make no mistake here, folks. It's hard to not give a shit as hard as these two fucking bozos don't give a shit. Because when you make a bad horror movie, 9 times out of 10 you make a great comedy. There's a reason Happy Death Day and Truth or Dare did so well at the box office - it's not because they're engaging scary movies. It's because they're so bad, they're hilarious. Slender Man doesn't even have the common fucking decency to be so-bad-it's-funny. It's so utterly lazy and pointless that you can't even laugh at it. Most lazy horror movies rely on "jump scares" in order to keep your attention. White and Burke say "fuck that nonsense... we're not even going to attempt to scare you, even in cheap ways! Taste our asses!" Like, it's crazy how hard they work to NOT scare the audience. And I'm not talking about me, a 30-year-old horror movie fan. I'm talking I could show this movie to an entire theater of 8-year-olds and even they'd be demanding their hard-earned milk money back (if they hadn't fallen asleep first).

Slender Man is legitimately one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I don't use that phrase lightly, but I also mean it wholeheartedly. I could blame it on studio interference because the first trailer of the film shows nearly a minute's worth of scenes that aren't even in the movie. But, it wouldn't matter. All that would change about the film is its 93 minute run time (which feels like spending nearly eight years of your life in the middle of the desert with only Cholula to drink) would be even longer and my thoughts of suicide would only get stronger. There's nothing to latch onto in the film. Birke writes teenage girls the way he THINKS teenage girls talk and act - which of course is the complete opposite of the way teenage girls talk and act. You need proof of this - there's actually a scene where a teenage girl... in high school... goes to the library to research a book (Google apparently doesn't exist), gets frightened, pulls out her phone and DIALS HER FRIEND'S NUMBER FROM MEMORY. I don't even know my own mother's phone number by heart, and I can't remember that last time I physically dialed someone's phone (that, and she only dials six numbers - seven numbers would've expressed an effort for accuracy that simply doesn't exist). They also give Slender Man absolutely nothing to do. The reason he's so creepy on the internet is that he's blurred in the background of old-timey pictures. Seeing the dude in clear view doesn't do him any justice. So how is he supposed to creep you out in the movie? Well here's a list of some things Slender Man has the ability to do: He can make the wood from trees in the forest creak semi-loudly, he can move under doors in shadow, he can imitate the voices of the girls, he can make a short hallway... look like a long hallway, and... AND... he can SKYPE. This motherfucker actually SKYPES these chicks... TWICE!

The effort White and Birke put into the film is more than insulting, but they have gotten a film into the mainstream. They know the secret and when you're the one with your ass in the seat watching their cinematic equivalent of nut cancer, the joke is apparently on you - and me. So, for only the second time in the six year run of Big Peck's Cineplex, Slender Man has earned itself an...

F

BlacKkKlansman: A Spike Lee Joint Worth Exploring

It's been a solid minute since we've seen a Spike Lee joint hit theaters. The only two in the last decade to even reach were the 2015 sleeper Chi-Raq and the disappointing 2013 Oldboy remake - which just seemed a little bit outside of Lee's wheelhouse. However, his return to the big screen couldn't have been at a more apt time with a more apt story to tell. To Lee's credit, almost all his films have had racial commentary peppered throughout. Some it's subtle (but not many) and the rest are built on this entire foundation. In BlacKkKlansman his message is still the same, but the realization here is how truly upsetting that idea is. Through his usage of dark comedy and tension, Lee has been able to not only tell a great story, but use a story from over 40 years ago to stress that the world, in fact, hasn't changed at all.

Lee presents the story of Ron Stallworth (John David Washington), the first black police officer in Colorado Springs who, with the help of his Jewish partner Flip Zimmerman (Adam Driver), infiltrates the Colorado chapter of the KKK. Ron goes undercover as... Ron Stallworth, a white, racial epithet spewing man in desperate hopes of becoming a KKK member. Through the phone, Ron cons the president of "The Organization" into getting a meeting. However, being that he is African-American, he uses Flip as his body-double of sorts to get in with the group. Once inside, the two of them collect info, ruin dozens of cross-burning attempts, and foil plans of violence against a group of black college protestors.

It's an intriguing story from the get, but Lee has added his own flavor to the film. What could've been a paint-by-numbers structured biopic, has become an enjoyable film ripe with humor, despair, and tension. Washington (who is the spitting image - in both look and voice - of his younger father, Denzel) is wonderful in the film. He's perfectly cast as Ron who is young enough to go for the big mission, yet naive enough to accidentally use his real name. Washington breathes real life into the character who feels authentic in his portrayal of a straight-edge rookie cop with big aspirations of taking down all the bad guys. There's certainly a 70s blaxploitation aesthetic to the film, but it never feels disingenuous and Washington plays a big part of this. I've also really started to come around on Adam Driver (since his stint in the Star Wars films and especially his role in Logan Lucky) and he doesn't disappoint here either. While the two men portray the same "fictional" person, neither of them attempt to act as the other or even try and sound like the other. While watching the film, it was a bit jarring that they didn't do this - however, after some reflection I realized this is more an indictment of the Klansmen and their hate-fueled blindness of reality. The two sound nothing alike and the only character who ever distrusts Flip, only does it because he's a genuinely paranoid person.

Topher Grace (yes, you read that right) pops up as David Duke, the Grand Dragon and anal wart of the KKK. He's portrayed as an utter boob, and Grace does a great job, but even he doesn't feel like a caricature. None of the Klansmen are either. While it would've been really easy (and lazy) to portray these men as anything but hateful backwater hicks, Lee has also given them some humanity as well. Not so that you can necessarily understand their views, but so you can see that even the most normal "God-fearin" men (and women) can have the most evil in their hearts. Lee is able to weave these characters into a biting social commentary that will make you chuckle as often as it makes you squirm. A lot of the movie is fun and even has a bit of a buddy-cop feel to it - one that you expect to end with a freeze frame of Ron and Flip high-fiving, but unfortunately, that's not how the real world works. The ending of the movie is nothing short of heart-breaking. Not because everything goes wrong and everyone is killed (they're not), but because of the revelation that nothing in this country involving racial tolerance has hardly changed at all.

The film is wholly engrossing and tragic. It should be watched by everyone, but understand that while you may have some fun in certain parts of the film - this is not an easy movie to watch, nor is it any easier to digest. It's the perfect movie for the time and paired with Sorry to Bother You, we've got some artists right now who are really opening eyes in clever and creative and artistic ways to those who may be uninformed or close-minded. BlacKkKlansman is a triumph for Spike Lee and a very necessary movie for these trying times. However, I recommend making this movie a double feature. Because once you're done with the film - emotionally drained and exhausted - you'll need something like The Meg to distract you from the real evil still happening in the world today.

A

The Meg: Mega-Jaws VS. Regular-Statham

I was actually fortunate enough to go to an advanced screening of The Meg way back in July of 2017, so over a year ago (back when the movie was only called Meg... the The is a relatively new addition). I made sure to write this up back then so that the movie was still fresh in my mind (don't worry Warner Bros., I only posted it when the movie came out so I didn't violate your precious Non-Disclosure Agreement). Now, when I saw the film, it wasn't entirely completed. The script was, the story was, the music was... but not all of the animation was. So, the experience I had was probably even better than the one you will have with this movie. Not only did I get to see Jason Statham battle a gigantic prehistoric shark, but I also got to see Jason Statham with his most serious face and acting chops, battle an unfinished, pixelated, cartoon shark for part of the film. Either way, this movie is going to be immediately labeled "just another Statham action film"... and even though it IS that... it's also much, much better than that.

As I'm sure you do know by now, I have a bias toward Jason Statham. And while most of his movies range from bad to mediocre, a simpleton like myself still finds his films wildly entertaining, though I recognize they're not exactly "good" in the traditional sense. What's normally lacking in your standard Statham fare is depth and good writing. Characters are surface-level at best and we are to just accept them for who we are told they are. And, other than Statham's characters, the writing for everyone else (including dialogue) is generally sub-par to laughably bad. I'm generalizing here, but this seems to be the trend. So, when I heard about The Meg, I was nothing but excited... and when I got to see an advanced screening for free, I was ecstatic. But the expectations for this film was like my expectations for all Statham films - enjoy the moments Statham's on screen and eye-roll anyone else trying to take the spotlight. Thankfully, much to my pleasant surprise, it isn't like that at all. Everyone held their own, the writers actually contributed to the depth and characterization of other characters besides Statham, and the movie itself is just clever enough to be very, very fun.

The Meg is the melting pot of all of the best scenes in all of your favorite shark attack movies. It's not a new story, but it is so cleverly constructed that it really does feel like an original film. Jason Statham plays Jonas Taylor, an ex-Naval Captain brought in by a Chinese billionaire to dive down to the bottom of the Mariana Trench and save three divers trapped in a submersible. However, down in the depths of the ocean lies the Megaladon, a massive, 90-foot, prehistoric shark that these so-called "scientists" have accidentally freed from his icy, bottom-of-the-ocean cell. This leads to Taylor not only having to save the ones who are trapped, but now he has to save the ones who aren't... leading up to a kick-ass battle of shark vs. Statham. Along with Statham, there's a very diverse cast of characters ranging from his ally Mac (Cliff Curtis), a brilliant engineer Jaxx (Ruby Rose), the billionaire who's funding the operation Jack (Rainn Wilson), an expert diver Suyin (Bingbing Li) and her adorable little daughter Meiying (Shuya Sophia Cai) who steals every scene she's in.

Shark attack movies have made somewhat of a resurgence with 2016's The Shallows, 2017's 47 Meters Down, and now with The Meg. What writers are having to do now because it is such a niche genre, is that they have to be able to capitalize on the film by making as much money as possible, so slapping a PG-13 rating on it allows for a broader audience... but a less gory film. So, instead of relying on the shark attack gore, we're getting movies that go back to the roots of the Godfather of shark attack movies, Jaws. These movies now are more and more about the thrills of the shark attack, the anticipation of when the shark will arrive, and so forth, but by essentially eliminating the gore that has been a staple of the genre for years. The good news is that The Meg is actually quite thrilling. There were several moments where I felt my heart pounding in my chest fearing the sudden appearance of the megaladon (and I wasn't even sure if the shark I was about to see had its animation finished yet or not). The movie is also a lot of fun. Most of the characters have a wonderful chemistry together which lends to moments that are genuinely funny. It's weird though, the only characters that I felt didn't have much chemistry are Statham and Li. They're the central male and female leads of the film (and of course there's a bit of a forced romance happening between them... that doesn't get too out of hand), but I just didn't feel any passion, any heat from either of them toward the other. It's evident they're getting together... because the script suggests that they should. While their "romance" is somewhat distracting, the one character who steals the show is little Meiying. She's only about eight years old, but she's one of the rare child characters who is finally written well. It's not easy to have an 8-year-old comic relief, but Meiying rivals Jonathan Lipnicki's Jerry Maguire comic relief. She has great banter with Statham, is a very smart character, and whadaya know... actually necessary for the plot of the film and not just some annoying kid inserted into to the film so we empathize with her mother. The cast of characters are very well-rounded and the film doesn't fall into stereotypical shark-attack-ensemble with no depth.

Another element to the film that the writers did well was how creative they were with each scene. It was evident that they did their homework (I mean, one of the dudes who wrote this movie wrote Zodiac, so you know he's got some chops) and watched the very best shark attack movies. We have an ensemble cast working on a station in the middle of the ocean which is attacked by the shark (a la Deep Blue Sea), we've got characters taking a boat out to the ocean to lure in the shark and kill it (a la Jaws), we've got people swimming in the ocean terrorized by the shark (a la Open Water/The Reef). Except, it doesn't feel like we've watched this movie before because it's not just a regular shark we're afraid of and the "plans" these characters come up with to take out the shark are a lot more clever and high tech than we've ever seen in a shark attack film before. It could've easily fallen into lazy Statham action movie, but the film reaches for better. I still believe that the PG-13 hinders the movie and it could've been a lot more fun if the studio and director went balls-out with the giant shark attacks, but with a 150 million dollar budget, you don't take any chances of ostracizing a single ticket-buyer. What I'm trying to say is that The Meg is a lot better than what you're anticipating and expecting. The areas that you believe are going to fall short and come off as particularly weak are, in fact, much better. The other areas you believe that are going to be badass.... are, in fact, badass. At the end of the day, this movie is essentially just Jason Statham vs. the shark, so don't worry about there not being enough Statham (there's plenty) or there not being enough shark (there's enough) or there not being an epic mano y mano Statham/shark fight at the end (because there definitely is). For a shark attack movie in the middle of the summer, it could've been a lot worse, and... actually, I don't know if it even could've been much better. If you're even somewhat interested by the genre, The Meg is not a movie to miss. I know I'm going out to see it again... this time I hope with completed shark effects.

B

Mission: Impossible - Fallout: Tom Cruise Must Have Sold His Soul To Satan

Take some notes, people who are responsible for Jurassic World movies. Actually take a second to pay attention to how one franchise, really the only franchise doing it at the moment, knows what its audience is clamoring for - knows how to deliver that - and knows how to improve upon its predecessor. In short, the Mission: Impossible movies are somehow getting better. It's a rare feat that a franchise that's run this long (22 years so far), with the same leading guy (he's probably a robot), is actually improving upon itself with each addition. Sequels have this weird tendency to need to TOP the action in the previous movies. The sequels feel that in order to impress an audience it needs to be bigger and louder and more expensive and all of that, yet the stories and the characters suffer because of it (cough, cough Jurassic World). These movies don't try to top the previous entries, they just try to make them fun and exciting and entertaining and something the audience actually wants to see - and they succeed every time. Even the Bond movies have a clunker every couple of films (I'm looking at you Spectre). The only other franchise that is doing something somewhat similar is the Fast & Furious franchise, but even they run into the pitfall of the toppers game. Seriously, in the last movie The Rock reaches out from the truck he's in and changes the trajectory of a missile with his bare hands. Fast & Furious movies are fun and dumb. Mission: Impossible is still smart, engaging, and an absolute blast.

I get that there are some action stars that transcend time. There are actors that can do this forever and we'll still watch most of their movies. Liam Neeson, no matter how old, can still draw a crowd. I just watched Denzel beat the shit out of like thirty dudes in The Equalizer II last week and actually believed he was physically capable to do so. Even Sylvester Stallone is still making Expendables movies well into his 70s. Tom Cruise is like 5'6'' with a dipshit face and a bit of an over-actor's mentality. Yet, for some reason, he's been able to keep a franchise afloat for twenty-two years and each movie makes more money than the last. It doesn't even seem possible. Hell, when the franchise started, the first sequel they made was so tonally off and unfocused (and absolute garbage) it looked like it was already the demise of the franchise. They couldn't even make the second movie in the franchise better than the first. So, how in the hell is the sixth movie probably the best one so far (and, let's be honest, the last three have been stellar). How is Tom Cruise doing what Sylvester Stallone isn't? And don't say it's because Tom Cruise still looks forty and Sly looks like a leather purse packed with pork. Whatever the reason is... these movies are fantastic and so very entertaining.

In a pretty cool move, director Christopher McQuarrie (who helmed the previous film) has decided to do an actual sequel to the last one. It's not JUST a new adventure, but the plot is a continuation of the last film, including bringing back the villain from the previous film, who is integral to the plot of this one. Most entries into the Mission: Impossible franchise don't exactly call back to the stories of the other movies and are their own individual adventures. This one is continues on with the story of villain Solomon Lane (Sean Harris) and his group of terrorists known as The Syndicate, who is looking to bring terror and destruction to governments and the world in order to bring peace (or something). After Ethan Hunt has captured Lane at the end of the last film, Lane's cronies have gone rogue - guns for hire - calling themselves now The Apostles. They've purchased some rare and expensive plutonium and have made some seriously massive nuclear weapons they can sell to the highest bidder or use to enact their vision of "peace". Ethan and his team - including Simon Pegg's character Benji, and of course, Ving Rhames' Luther - enact a plan to steal the plutonium and get the weapons out of the hands of The Apostles. Along the way, the CIA, who is now watching IMF's every move is sending along an agent to oversee the mission, Agent Walker (Henry Cavill). And, lastly, Ilsa Faust (Rebecca Ferguson), manages to find her way into the mix.

Now, while every time a character in the movie said the word 'plutonium' with a serious face, it was hard not roll my eyes and giggle - the movie was actually very well plotted and planned. There's fun in the way the IMF team execute their plans as agents "in Halloween costumes" (as one character puts it), but in this film nearly nothing goes to plan and a lot of the action sequences come from characters having to improvise on the spot how to continue the plan, alter the plan, escape from a failed plan and everything in between. It's difficult enough to write an action movie with a clever plan enacted - what McQuarrie did was write a clever plan, give that plan clever obstacles, and write characters who have to change said plan in intelligent ways and then still get done what needs done. It's almost difficult to keep track of who is good and who is not and who is doing what in the film, but it's not a hindrance of the film either, it's part of the fun of watching the movie and trying to figure out the twists and turns.

The action sequences are something to behold as well. They're gorgeously shot and because Tom Cruise had to have sold his soul to the Scientology devil long ago, he actually does most of his stunts so the camera doesn't have to keep cutting away every 2.3 seconds and we get to see Cruise up close in the action. The difference between a Mission: Impossible movie and a Jason Bourne movie is in the latter the action is so frenetic and shaky because it needs to be stylized, but it also needs to conceal the stunt double. Tom Cruise is a fucking madman crazy person who does all his own stunts so the camera doesn't have to cut away. When he's leaping from building to building, we get to watch Cruise do it because he ACTUALLY DID IT. When he's hanging from a helicopter, we get gorgeous angles and shots we've never seen before in a movie because he's ACTUALLY DOING IT. There's a motorcycle chase in the movie that lasts a good ten to fifteen minutes that's particularly thrilling because it's Tom Cruise weaving in and out of traffic ACTUALLY DOING IT. The man is out of his mind (in the best way possible) and that's why we get these amazing movies from a franchise that, by all logic, should've died fifteen to twenty years ago.

There's also the smart moves the franchise has made with casting people who have good chemistry with each other. Your franchise is never going to get worse with someone as quirky and funny and likable as Simon Pegg. He always adds a breath of fresh air to any film he's part of. Ving Rhames isn't doing much outside the franchise, but as a part of the IMF team (an OG member) he's still perfect - and actually gets a couple of moments to show off those acting chops in this film as well. Rebecca Ferguson, the best female actor ever written into one of these movies, is back to showcase her badassery and hang in the boy's club - and even after two movies they STILL haven't tried to make her Ethan's love interest. She's such a smart character that's devoid of all woman-in-a-spy-thriller tropes. The only person who kinda stood out like a sore thumb, to me at least, is Henry Cavill. The dude has a hokey American accent. And while it works as Clark Kent and it worked in The Man From U.N.C.L.E., it's off-putting here. Physically he's a hulk of a man and his presence in action scenes is great because he's terrifying, but whenever he speaks it's a little more than awkward and feels forced where everyone else feels natural. I also did miss the presence of Jeremy Renner, who I felt fit in with this group of agents quite nicely, but his ties to Marvel unfortunately kept him out of this one. I did like that they didn't try to explain away his absence, because it's never a good explanation.

Everything about this movie is a blast. It's thrilling, it's fun, and even if you despise Tom Cruise, you're going to be seriously entertained. The set locations only add to the beauty of the action sequences, and there's plenty of those throughout. One in particular is fascinating because there's no music to accompany it. There's a lengthy car chase scene that has none of that cliché action movie music attached to it. There's only the roar of the engine and the screeching of the tires and it somehow made the chase MORE intense and thrilling. The movie feels like one long action sequence, yet McQuarrie is still able to quiet things down for a bit and give us three dimensional characters that don't bog down the pacing of the film. And while there's no clear "set up" for another film, there are some unresolved issues in this film that will allow the franchise to continue. After four fantastic films in a row - with completely new and original storylines that don't repeat themselves - I'm on board for twenty more of these movies. And I think audiences will be as well. I can't wait to watch it again.

A

Eighth Grade: Painfully Beautiful

Here's the scene for you - I live in Pasadena. There are only two theaters in Pasadena (several more in the surrounding cities). There's the indie theater down the street from me, the Laemmle, and there's the Arclight. I've never seen a film at the Arclight because, while it does get some of the limited films that take a few weeks to reach mainstream audiences, they also charge nearly $20/ticket (and they don't accept Movie Pass). So, today my fiancé and I found ourselves standing in line outside the Arclight for a free test screening of the upcoming film Bad Times at the El Royale (if you don't know what it is - go watch the trailer right now.... then come back to this). However, once the screening filled up halfway, they started weeding out people waiting to enter looking only for the  "key demographic". My fiancé is 28-years-old. Not exactly the demo they're looking for with a film like that. So, once they hit their quota of females under 34 years of age, they didn't need/want anymore in to give their feedback. This sounds harsh, but the test screenings are for marketing purposes and, I guess, whatever, I understand. What they did do, however, is they handed out free passes to see any film at the Arclight for today only. Me being the movie guy that I am have already seen almost all the movies out. So, it was either Mamma Mia 2 (hell to the fuck no) or a film I'd only recently heard about - Eighth Grade. I hadn't seen a trailer for the film, but I knew it was getting some great buzz from Sundance. I knew it was comedian Bo Burnham's writing/directing debut. And I knew it had a 98% on Rottentomatoes. Figured we'd take a chance. Hell, it was two $20 tickets for a free movie at the Arclight. Might as well, right?

While I was extremely excited to get a sneak peek of (and lend my expert feedback to ;) ) Bad Times at the El Royale (seriously, the movie looks so freakin' cool), it was a blessing in disguise that we didn't get to see it and instead saw this film... because it's amazing. With as much as I read about and watch and research movies, it's not often that I go into a film blind. Eighth Grade blew me out of the water. What appears, on the surface, to be a coming of age film about a young eighth grade girl named Kayla (portrayed by the phenomenal Elsie Fisher), turns out to be much more. Kayla is a contemporary 13-year-old trying to fit in at her school in, you guessed it, eighth grade. It's the last week in middle school before going off to high school and Kayla begins the film like your typical middle schooler. She's constantly glued to a screen, she's awkward around her peers, she gets crushes on guys and practices kissing her hand while watching him flex in the mirror in an Instagram video, she's angsty toward her goofy father, and everything in her life is at life-or-death levels. However, who we see Kayla as first isn't exactly indicative of who she really is. We meet Kayla as she's recording one of her "self-help" YouTube videos (giving out teenage-y wisdom for vague life complexities like "how to put yourself out there" and "how to be yourself"). But, as we follow her through her school day, we see that the advice she's throwing to the YouTube masses is really advice she wants to give herself. She's quiet, she's awkward, she doesn't have many friends, and all she wants is to be considered cool by her peers. She even makes a list of things she wants to accomplish that is comprised of make more friends, make a best friend, and maybe perhaps get a boyfriend. But she's just too uncomfortable with herself and awkward as a person to really stand out of the harsh, judgemental, eighth grade crowd.

The plot itself is really just us watching Kayla in her final week of eighth grade, but it's SO REAL. Much like Boyhood does for men, showing the awkwardness and unpleasantness of being a pre-pubescent boy, Eight Grade does this for women. And while I didn't necessarily internally comprehend all of the struggles Kayla experiences (my fiancé REALLY did), I was able to empathize with her and remember moments of my life that were similar to what Kayla goes through. Every moment with her is very difficult to watch based solely on the fact of how uncomfortable it makes the viewer. You truly feel for Kayla and want her to succeed and want the other middle school girls to like her and give her a chance, but that's not real life. When she's dropped off at a birthday pool party for a popular girl who didn't want to invite her in the first place, watching her walk out to the pool alone (as the only girl in a one-piece bathing suit), jump in the pool alone, and remain entirely invisible to everyone around her, it's painful to watch. Seriously, the movie is like the 90-minute equivalent of watching the episode "Scott's Tots" on The Office. Much like a good horror movie, I found myself often squirming in my seat and constantly moving my hands around different parts of my face, it was so torturous. Every situation Burnham writes Kayla into is another moment of humiliation we're unprepared to witness, and these aren't humongous life-altering moments either. Even myself, a 30-year-old adult, knows that these moments don't matter at all in the grand scheme of life - FEEL like they do while watching the film. You don't want Kayla to get embarrassed by the gift she gives the popular girl, but when it's rejected as "uncool", it's a punch straight to the gut. If the point of a film is to make the audience feel and react to what's happening on screen, I felt more and reacted to more in this movie than any movie I've seen in recent memory.

The great thing about the movie, though, is that Burnham isn't doing this to torture his character - or his audience for that matter. He's showing what it's like for a young girl to grow up in the current social media dominated world. Yes, a lot of the movie involves Kayla glued to the screen of her phone or her computer or her webcam - but Burnham is less interested in exploiting the fact that teenagers live for this and more interested in WHY they are, and more namely, WHY Kayla is. By eighth grade, one hasn't fully discovered who they are as a person yet. Eighth graders are finally starting to take shape (both physically and mentally) but there's still a lot of living and experiencing to go through in order to discover their true self. When Kayla finally has a breakthrough that everything in her life isn't as important as she thinks it is, it's a true sign of growth and a wonderful change to be able to experience with her. Burnham exposes the good in social media, as well as the bad. The crush Kayla has is on a boy (with gorgeous eyes) who only gives her the time of day when she implies that if she ever got a boyfriend, she'd send him "dirty pictures" of herself. This immediately piques the boy's interest (an interest that was non-existent until that point), but Kayla is too young to even understand the implication of what she's saying. She just wants his attention, but this is the danger and the fear of social media around current youths today. It's difficult to watch and even think about, but it is very, very real.

Credit where credit is due though - Bo Burnham doesn't shy away from taboo problems involving tweens, but he doesn't linger unnecessarily long on them either. And how he was able to get inside the mind of an eighth grade female and write her and direct her as accurately as humanely possible is also something I'm having a difficulty understanding. It's no easy feat, yet he's crafted a film and a character the audience can sympathize AND empathize with, whether you're male or female. But the shining star of the film is Fisher. She's so good in the film, it feels like there wasn't even a script for her to reenact. She's so natural it feels like Burnham just followed her around with a camera for a week and edited together a movie. It's amazing to watch someone so young go through all of the complexities and awkwardness of a person her age - especially as someone she claims is virtually opposite her normal personality. I wouldn't have felt half the feels I felt watching the movie if her performance wasn't so tragically wonderful. And I hope there are many more great things awaiting her as an actor.

Eighth Grade isn't available in wide release yet. But it's earning a lot of buzz and making quite a bit of money in its limited showings. Hopefully, with much positive word-of-mouth, it'll find its way to a theater near you and you can experience all of the emotions and heartache and straight up mental and physical discomfort as I did, but leave the theater appreciating what a wonderful and beautiful piece of art you just witnessed. It's a magnificent film.

A