There's always those one or two movies every year that I feel like I have to defend why I even went and saw it. There's no reason I should be posting a review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles right now. There's no reason I should've gone to work, collected a paycheck, deposited it in the bank, entered my car, burned fuel whilst on route to a theater, stimulated my leg muscles as I walked to the box office, utilized my vocal chords by ordering a ticket, sat in the theater and watched this film. No reason. Well, I mean, I guess I kinda didn't do all that. It was a day of movie hopping. This is a wasted day that I like to occasionally take where I pay the egregious $11.50 for a single movie ticket and end up seeing two or three movies in without paying for the others and actually getting my money's worth. The plan was for me to pick one movie, the lovely enchantress I was with (ie. my significant other) to pick the other film and if time allows, a mutual decision. My choice was Sex Tape. Yeah, I know it's supposed to suck, but I love Jason Segal and I don't care. Her choice was the previous entry, Into the Storm, which was the biggest mistake. However, after the latter movie ended, the former had already started and the time didn't match up properly. So, the closest movie playing was... you guessed it... TMNT.
I wasn't an avid TMNT fan when I was a kid. I mean, I had the toys, thought Shredder was the only mofo who looked threatening in purple, and was fascinated by The Secret of the Ooze. That's the extent of my turtle love. So, when I saw they were rebooting it again, I was, needless to say, apathetic towards the idea. They announced Will Arnett... who I like. They announced William Fichtner... who is great. They announced Megan Fox... who is hot, albeit worthless. Sure. Sounds like I'll be seeing it. MISTAKE. This movie was bad, and not in a good way. And it could've been good. I liked where they thought they were going with it... but then just kinda steered away from the right path and went down the complete wrong one.
Problem number one with the movie is that it isn't fun. It's not fun. No one is having a good time while watching this movie. No one. Not even your kids. They're not having fun. There is no fun to be had. They checked their fun at the door. Come on... you've got a premise so ludicrous about turtles. Turtles. TURTLES. But, they're not just turtles... they're teenage turtles. But they're also mutants. Obviously. And they're not just mutants... they're ninjas as well. Ninjas. Okay. You tell me you're showing me about kung fu fighting mutant turtles who haven't even reached adulthood yet... I'm in! I'm in all the way. How do you not have fun with that?? Part of what makes a reboot so successful is the origin story. Yes, this one has an origin story in it. In the first two minutes. Told as a voice over and through animated silhouettes. We don't really get to know the turtles either. The red one has an attitude problem. The purple one is kind of a poindexter. The blue one is sensible. And the orange one is a horny little bugger that creeped me out more than it made me laugh.
We get brief glimpses into their fun side, but the story starts immediately and goes on one track the whole way through. It's about citywide domination. "Rule the city!" Not really sure how that works in 2014... but I'll go with it. I just don't understand how it wasn't any fun. They're supposed to be wise-cracking. They're supposed to eat pizza. They're supposed to do karate! But, it's not fun. It's boring. It's sad. It's eyeball-rolling inducing. I mean, while looking for stills to throw up top for the main blog picture I came across this photo:
Look at that! That's gotta be turtles, covered up in a large trenchcoat and hat and pretending to be a singular human on the streets of New York. That looks like a fun scene! Is it in the movie or a scene that even resembles something even close to that? No! They cut out all the fun. It's like they showed a screener to a bunch of kids and every time they laughed or clapped or showed signs of having a good time, that scene was re-shot much more bland and the rest was cut from the finished project forever.
Not that you were planning on racing out to see the film anyway, but leave this one alone. Don't let that 90s curiosity get the better of you like it did me. The action is wanting, the acting is hollow (seriously Will Arnett, what drew you to this script??), the movie is long, and it's just as fun as painting one wall over and over and over again.
D+
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