Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Tusk: Tops The List of WTF Did I Just Watch?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... Yeah.  That was a movie.  There were definitely actors.  On film.  That I watched in a theater.


Okay, so, unsure exactly how to begin my review of Tusk.  Did I enjoy it?  Maybe.  Probably.  I'm not entirely sure.  Is it going to stick with me for a good long while?  Absolutely.  Was it a good movie... who the hell knows!  All I know is that it was a movie and I didn't hate it.  I was just incredibly shocked that what I watched was what I watched.  Kevin Smith must be able to essentially do whatever the hell he wants because... my God... I would've been kicked out of college if I'd turned in that script.

So, the way Tusk came to be was someone posted a (hoax) craigslist ad saying they would offer free lodging if the tenant agreed to dress as a walrus.  Kevin Smith saw this and it became the topic of discussion during one of his podcasts.  Throughout the podcast him and his pod-partner Scott Mosier improvised a movie they could make out of this-- a sick, horror comedy that would only make a few people actually laugh.  Then, decided to make a hashtag out of it for listeners to vote if they would ACTUALLY see the movie if it was made.  #Walrusyes is what most people voted on.  So, because Kevin Smith is ballsy enough to do it... he wrote the script and filmed the movie.  And for that... good for him!  That's a pretty cool story on how a movie came to be.  Riffing with your buddy becomes an actual feature film.  How many times have you been joking with a friend and going... dude, we should write that down and film it, but it never happens.  Kevin Smith can basically do that whenever he wants... and not like in an Adam Sandler way.  Technincally Adam Sandler can do whatever he wants too.  He makes movies with his best friends as sort of inside jokes between them that don't translate to LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE except the six involved.  However, while this was almost exactly like what Kevin Smith did... the inside joke is shared with a lot more than six people.

Essentially what happens is we're following Wallace (Wallace?  Like walrus... get it?) played by a porn-stached Justin Long as he travels to Canada in order to get some good juicy material for his podcast.  He meets up with an old man, Howard Howe (Michael Parks) who claims to have a lot of stories from his fruitful life.  One story, in particular, that he relays to Wallace is one where he was saved by a real-life walrus back in his twenties and that he's never met a man on this Earth who has given him as much fulfillment as that walrus did.  Boom... Wallace falls asleep unconscious.  He awakens the next morning to find most of his left leg amputated.  This goes on for a bit until it is revealed that Ol' Howie is so in love with the walrus that he is going to butcher Wallace up and sew together a human/walrus suit and turn Wallace into a full-blown walrus.  Sound pretty fucked up?  I assure you it's even more fucked up than you can imagine.  The rest of the film involves Wallace's friends (Haley Joel Osment?? Hell yeah!) tracking him down with a French Detective played by (what?!) Johnny Depp.

Here's the deal with the movie:  I don't think I can give it an accurate letter grade due to the fact that I'm only pretty sure I enjoyed it and I'm not sure at all why.  I do these reviews in order to help out my good readers into deciding whether or not they should spend their hard earned pesos on films that I see.  However, I have no idea who in the hell I would ever recommend this movie to.  There's no one I can think of that I would say, "hey, check out Tusk, it's your kinda movie."  Because it's no ones kind of movie.  Not even mine.  But I think I liked it.  It had the perfect amount of crazy, weird, gory, bizarre and fucked upedness to satisfy my movie cravings.  So, don't take it from me to see this movie.  And if you see it and hate it, don't blame me.  But, if I've (somehow) convinced you that seeing this movie is a good idea... and you still enjoy it... you are one sick son of a bitch.

Eh.  It was still better than Ninja Turtles.


Monday, September 1, 2014

Upcoming Best and Worst of Fall 2014


This Is Where I Leave You

Though it looks like it could become just your average "trying to be indie but it's secretly not" film, and directed by one of Hollywood's most stock directors, the cast is impressive and the long trailer does show a little bit more depth than the TV spots.  I'm willing to cash in half my chips and say this one is going to be a good one.

A Walk Among The Tombstones

It's Liam Neeson.  Does anyone actually doubt this movie is going to suck?  Someone has wronged his family.  He gets revenge.  He pisses off people who were close to those he got revenge on.  They try to kill him.  He kills them right back.  Perfect.  What more do you want from a movie?


The Equalizer 


Same deal as Neeson.  Whenever we get to see Denzel go a little apeshit on some baddies, it's always a cause for celebration.  He can be as badass as they come when he's able to have some fun with it.  This looks like it's going to be a fun flick.  Hopefully.

The Boxtrolls


It's weird.  It's stop motion.  It's British.  It's the same company that did Paranorman.  It's got Simon Pegg.  And it's already got some acclaim and buzz attached to it.  In all likelyhood, it will be a contender for Best Animated Film considering Pixar was absent this year.


Gone Girl


I've started noticing a pattern already in the films I'm recommending.  They're all dark and dreary and don't look like they've got much else but hardcore drama and murdering (ESPECIALLY The Boxtrolls), however, this is quite possibly going to be the best movie of the year.  It's David Fincher at his best, based on a book that everyone seems to love with an ending that's supposedly going to blow everyone's minds.  I'm in.  No reason not to.




Yep.  That about does it.  Everything this Fall is going to be depressing as all Hell.  You're going to think they're great movies, but you're not going to be happy on the insides.  Brad Pitt's name is mentioned, I'm pretty much already in.  You have to really screw up a movie with Brad Pitt for me to not see it (I'm looking at you The Counselor).  War movie?  Tanks?  Shia LeBouf not showing his wiener?  Okay... let's do this!



Okay, getting a little bit better, but still looks a bit depressing.  It also looks batshit insane!  But in a good way.  This could be a major resurgence of Michael Keaton.  I'm guessing almost none of you know about this movie, but look up the trailer.  You'll be creeped out, frightened even, but I bet you'll also be intrigued.




Christopher Nolan is one of my favorite directors.  Especially when he is doing an original piece.  Inception was fantastic and now he's put together another mindwarp of a film with McCaun no less.  I am beyond excited to see this one.

Big Hero 6


This is also a no-brainer, as well.  It's produced by Disney's side company that isn't Pixar but has put out two gems in the last two years (Wreck-It Ralph and Frozen).  Check out the teaser trailer on youtube.  You'll understand what I mean by putting it on this list.




This might be the movie I'm most excited to see this year.  Yes, I want to see Gone Girl because I know the source material and I highly trust the director.  Same goes with Interstellar.  But, what I haven't seen is Steve Carell in disgusting old-guy make-up become a creepy wrestling coach to Channing Tatum and end up murdering someone.  The trailer will haunt you because it is so un-Carell and incredibly Oscar-worthy.


The Hunger Games: Mockingjay


Yes, it's super annoying that they're splitting the last book up into two movies.  Yes, it's super annoying that I'm THIS invested in a young adult novel movie adaptation.  Yes, it's super annoying that they're actually really good movies.  And yes, it's super annoying that this is the last Phillip Seymour Hoffman movie I'll ever see.  But, for what it's worth... I'm excited.


Horrible Bosses 2


I had to put a comedy up on this list.  Yeah, there's a couple more coming out, but I'm unsure about them.  While this may not be the be-all end-all comedy of the year... it's going to be funny and it's going to make you laugh.  That's all I'm looking for.  Well that... and Jennifer Aniston saying outrageously dirty things.



No Good Deed

This movie looks like dick.  Is anyone scared of stalker movies anymore?  What happened to these two actors?  They've both proven they're highly capable of performing in high caliber films.  Is this a paycheck movie?  Did the script read differently than it looks?  Is it secretly good?  I'm willing to bet not.  Because it's going to suck.  Hard.


The Best of Me


Take a look at that poster.  What does it remind of you of?  EVERY NICHOLAS SPARKS MOVIE EVER MADE EVER??? What?  It is Nicholas Sparks??  Seriously???? FUCK YOU SPARKS.  It's gonna suck.  PS-- Who do you think is gonna die in this one?  I bet it's Channing Tatum's dad again.

Dracula Untold


Man, Hollywood, you really know how to hammer one concept until it's so dead people just laugh at the mere concept of it rather than consider whether or not they'd actually be interested in seeing it.  I see Dracula... I think... when's the new Adam Sandler movie coming out.  And when I think those thoughts... THOSE ARE NOT GOOD THOUGHTS.



Ha.  Haha.  Hahahaha.  Hahahahahahaha.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  No.  NO way.  No.  This isn't real.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. A board game?  Wait?  Produced by Michael Bay???? No.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I hate Humanity.


Beyond The Lights


Yeah, sorry dude.  When your selling point is "from the writer and director of Love and Basketball" a movie from 1998, almost 16 years ago that no one remembers... it's gonna suck.



The Maze Runner


It's got that same crappy teen-book Divergent feel to it, but there's something about it that intrigues me.  I like the idea of the story, but I'm not sure how well the execution is going to be and who the audience is intended for.  This is why I'm can't pin down which category it goes it.  It's not going to be an alright movie.  It's either going to be great, or incredibly forgettable.




Most of the time I'm skeptical when a spinoff movie occurs from a good movie and the original writers and directors have left the project.  Usually.  This time I'm a little more lenient because it actually looks decently scary and whoever stepped in to helm the director's chair is faithful to the original source material.  However, just because something appears to be good doesn't mean it's going to be.  Therefore, I'm throwing this one in the wildcard pile with a slight tip over towards it might be decent.  Who knows, though?  This year has been piss as far as good horror goes.


Dumb and Dumber To


This is the biggest wildcard of them all.  You're taking one of the greatest comedies in the history of film and giving it a sequel twenty years later.  Jim Carrey is still sorta relevant and I'm not sure when the last time was that Jeff Daniels was in something funny.  Even if these guys still had huge clout, I'm weary of the way this movie is going to go.  Are we going to just re-create the old jokes into modern day?  Are we going to forget that these guys don't act stupid they just are?  Are we going to adapt to what's funny today or stick with the same gross-out 90s humor that is all kinds of tired?  I'm worried.  If it works, I'll be the happiest person at the theater.  If it doesn't... this is something that I won't be able to unsee.