Wednesday, January 8, 2020

The Top 10 Best and Worst Movies of 2019


Hey there. It's been a little while since we've seen each other. This year I decided to drop the blog in favor of putting all of my focus on writing (and brackets). But I had to come back for my end of the year list. It's the reason I started the blog in the first place. Don't worry - I've seen just as many movies as I always do... I just didn't record them or write extensive reviews of them for your enjoyment because let's be honest... you didn't actually read them anyway. You just looked at the letter grade. And, hey, that's cool. You're not even reading this right now. But I tell you I've had a lot more time to write what I've wanted to write for money that I've wanted to make for a long time. So, it's been a good deal for all involved. But I had to come back for the list. This year started off pretty weak. And like most years, the best movies tended to be back-loaded to the last couple months or so. But it was still an overall decent year for films. Even better is that I had a difficult time coming up with 10 worst. I was able to mostly avoid bad movies this year since the really bad ones looked really bad and I wasn't fooled by ones that genuinely looked decent. But, without further adieu... on to the list!


The TOP 10 BEST Films of 2019!


10. Us











After winning an Oscar for his first ever (perfect) screenplay with Get Out, Jordan Peele was always going to have an uphill battle for anyone to believe his sophomore film would be able to hold a candle to his opus. And while Us is certainly no Get Out - it is a very worthy follow-up. It's more intense, it's just as scary, it's superbly acted, and it's definitely on brand with the themes he's been exploring in his works. While Get Out put Peele on everyone's radar, Us has cemented him as a name in the horror world (and writing world in general) as someone we can now trust to give us thoughtful, intelligent, terrifying, and thoroughly enjoyable horror films. Us - along with this year's Midsommar - were two of my favorite and the best horror films of the year, with this one standing out as one of the ten best films.


9. Once Upon A Time In Hollywood












Of the movies on this top 10 list I think this is really the only controversial choice - which is strange to say for a Quentin Tarantino movie. Most of the time his movies are revered by all and when you toss his latest gem on a list, people just nod, smile and agree. However, I found Once Upon a Time in Hollywood to be somewhat polarizing. No one really thought the movie was "just okay". People either loved it or hated it. I fell into the former category - but it took me a minute. My immediate reaction after having seen the movie was that I didn't know if I liked it or hated it, just that it was one of the two. It was nothing like any of Tarantino's previous work, but then exactly like it as well. There wasn't really a plot or a storyline or character arc or anything that film schools teach writers they must adhere to in order to write a good script. There were unlikable characters, great acting, overly long scenes of whip-smart dialogue, and a hilarious ending that totally skull fucks the tone of the entire previous two hours. Only after a second viewing did I decide that I loved this movie. It's a love-letter to old Hollywood, but it's also a showcase of some of the best acting we have in our current Hollywood by one of the best writer/directors of all time. It's the perfect cocktail for a great movie that's only going to get better with each viewing.



8. John Wick 3: Parabellum












Top 10 lists shouldn't just be Oscar bait movies. They should be movies from every genre that make us feel things we've never felt before. The third entry to the John Wick series fits that criteria as hands down the best action movie of the year (and probably the best action movie since John Wick 2). It's a tough thing to make three movies in a series and each one be just as satisfying as the previous entries - it's on a whole other level if each movie is better than the last. John Wick 3: Parabellum is batshit crazy and some of the most fun I had at the movies all year. What the team behind these films has been able to accomplish over the trilogy in not just story, but in overall action sequences that feel wholly new in an already tired genre, is nothing short of astounding. These movies are able to take your expectations and roundhouse kick them in the throat. I hope they never stop making these movies if the quality of them continues to be as high as they currently are. God bless you, Keanu. 


7. Uncut Gems











This is one of the last movies I got to see in 2019 and it absolutely blew me away. Nearly every second of every minute of this film aims to get your heart-rate pulsing. It's one of the most anxiety-inducing films I've ever seen and I mean that in a good way. When buzz around Adam Sandler's performance started circulating the Twittersphere, I genuinely thought it was going to be one of those things that's built up so much that his performance couldn't live up to the hype. I'm here to tell you, friends, that not only does it absolutely live up to the hype, it exceeds it. Sandler is shockingly phenomenal playing a character he's never come close to touching before. He's not exactly a sympathetic character (in fact, everyone in the movie is pretty despicable) and he makes all of the wrong decisions for all of the wrong reasons, yet you still hope in your heart of hearts that everything works out for him. The films rolls on at a rapid pace and doesn't slow down until its final moment. I had to catch my breath a few times. This is a wonderfully original film, unlike any I've seen before, and it's nothing short of brilliant.


6. Booksmart











In the 00s, male high school/college students got their raucous, filthy, coming-of-age teen comedy - Superbad. It stood the test of time for a minute and launched the career of Jonah Hill. And then some other raunchy high school movies tried to capitalize on Superbad's success, but none ever did. And eventually the genre went dormant. That is until this year. Olivia Wilde, in her directorial debut, brings us Booksmart - a raunchy, high school, coming-of-age film for the woke generation. Funny enough, one half of its stars is Jonah Hill's sister (who is absolutely hysterical). Where Superbad is cringe-worthy to look back on, I'm confident that Booksmart will be the one true high school comedy to stand the test of time as it is both hilarious and eschews the whole "date rape" aspect that a lot of high school comedies over the years seemed to embrace. This movie has a ton of heart and a ton of laughs. And in our constantly evolving culture, comedies like this are necessary. Ones that show real diversity-- real people-- accompanied by real life lessons-- that will also make your sides split with laughter. This film deserves all the love.


5. Avengers: Endgame











This should come as a surprise to most of you who have been fans of the Cineplex since its launch seven years ago. All I've done for years is rail against Marvel and the over-saturation of the superhero genre. But I was won over by Endgame and Infinity War. What Kevin Feige/Marvel/Disney and the rest have accomplished is something never before done in the history of film. They tied 21 movies together to bring forth an epic conclusion that is both thrilling and satisfying for even the most common Marvel fan. While Avengers: Endgame isn't quite a perfect movie, the last hour of this film is one of the best hours in all of cinema history. 21 movies worth of leads, side characters, and extras come together on an epic battlefield and not one of them is left out. Each one gets time to shine and it brought literal tears to my eyes to see it all come together like that. We also got very satisfying conclusions for several characters (that if Marvel decides to undo is going to really piss me off and have me railing against them again). However, for now... this film is one hell of an epic that's going to be looked at as one of Hollywood's greatest accomplishments.


4. Jojo Rabbit












If Taika Waititi hasn't become a household name for you yet, there's something wrong with your choices in movies. He's produced some of the funniest and best films over the past decade. His revamp of the Thor character in Thor: Ragnarok should speak for itself, but the man is just getting started. He decided that after making one of Marvel's best movies in the entire MCU, he was going to make a comedy about a little boy who is best friends with Hitler. For those upset at "cancel culture" because it's taking away comedian platforms of being funny - I give you Jojo Rabbit. Not only does Waititi play Hitler, but he's crafted a movie that is all parts hilarious, touching, thoughtful, titillating, and full of heart. Everyone should see this movie. There are real lessons to be learned from it and it's going to speak to anyone who isn't ignorant enough to ignore its themes. Sam Rockwell shines as always. Scarlett Johannson is magnificent (she's having a good year). And our little hero boy is one of the most adorable Nazis in movie history. What a genuinely delightful film.


3. Knives Out











Back in 2008 a little film called The Brothers Bloom came out and I was blown away. It's a quirky little con-artist movie that is one of the most enjoyable films I'd ever seen. This was my introduction to Rian Johnson. Then I watched Brick and Looper and The Last Jedi and over the years he'd become one of my favorite directors. Knives Out only cemented him further into that category. You can tell the man loves himself a whodunnit and is quite familiar with the genre. So, Knives Out winds up being both its own whodunnit and an homage to the best of the whodunnit films. The movie winds up being so clever that they tell you who the killer is halfway through the film and there still winds up being enough twists and turns after the reveal that it doesn't even cheapen what you've learned so early. To top it all off, the entire film is basically a huge fuck you to white people (rich white people to be more precise). It's a funny, clever, unique, and consistently entertaining film that I loved instantly. I didn't have to let it sit with me for days after watching it. As I was walking out of the theater I knew this would be a movie I would watch often for the rest of my life. (PS - if you liked this movie even half as much as I did - go watch The Brothers Bloom right NOW).


2. Parasite











I don't want to tell you too much about Parasite. I went into the movie blindly. I'd seen one trailer several months before that didn't reveal much about the plot. And the only reason I saw the film was because I kept seeing the near-impossible 99% fresh rating on rottentomatoes. I was also slightly familiar with Bong Joon Ho's work with the severely underrated Snowpiercer. All I can tell you is that this movie is fantastic. I saw it over a month ago and it's still with me. I think about it often and I want to watch it again. Movies this original and this beautiful are few and far between. Joon Ho was also able to weave in several different tonal shifts within the film that, on paper, shouldn't have worked. But on the screen left my jaw on the floor and my brain exploded. Don't look into it. Don't read about it. Just watch it. Because never before have I seen such an apt and scathing indictment of our American class system that also kept me laughing and gasping for its entire runtime. It's a damn near perfect film.


1. The Irishman












I'll be completely honest with you. If I thought about it really hard - Parasite should probably be number one. When I look back at this list years from now I'll probably wonder why I didn't put Parasite at number one. But it's my list. It's my blog. And it's the one top 10 list that I get to choose the rankings and I just can't put any movie at number one other than The Irishman. Three of the greatest living actors (Pacino, DeNiro, Pesci) back together again under the direction of Scorsese and it couldn't have been a better movie if it tried. I'm thankful I got to see it in theaters, but I also watched it at home. The criticism is in its run time at 3 and a half hours. And with today's limited attention span, I can see how that would be an issue for most people. But watch the movie. There's not an ounce of fat on it that can be trimmed. I've seen this movie twice and each time I watch it, I never want it to end. I marvel at the return of a subdued Joe Pesci who is just as terrifying with a whisper in this film as he is screaming and yelling in Goodfellas. DeNiro is his usual amazing self. But it's Pacino that I marvel at. He comes in late and leaves early, but this movie is all him. His performance in this film is, in my opinion, the greatest supporting performance of the year and top five of the decade - hell, even top ten in his career (which is saying something). The de-aging CGI is immaculate (save for two brief moments where I guess they got lazy). I loved this movie. More than any other movie this year. And I'm off to watch it again.


HONORABLE MENTIONS: Marriage Story, Little Women, Midsommar, Captain Marvel, The Perfection, A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, Ready or Not, Long Shot, Rocketman




The TOP 10 WORST Films of 2019:






10. IT: Chapter 2











Maybe don't chalk this one up to WORST - but most disappointing. In 2017 when IT came out, it was one of my favorite movies of the year. It was a throwback to 80s adventure movies like The Goonies, but with the terrifying Stephen King twist of a demented killer clown played brilliantly by one of the hundred Skarsgaards running around Hollywood. I loved it so much I read the 1000+ page book in less than a month. And while I knew that the true ending of the book is damn near unfilmable - they could do a whole lot better than the 90s movie. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Bill Hader, James McAvoy, and the dude who plays grown up Eddie are really all that IT: Chapter 2 has going for it. It's not scary anymore, it's campy. There's a 90-minute subplot of the Losers collecting their artifacts that isn't even in the book and wastes all of that screen time with blahhhh moments. And the ending is downright laughable. Scorpion King Pennywise is anything but scary, and to top it off - the way these morons easily beat the self-proclaimed "eater of worlds" is to call him a clown??? Seriously? This is the movie equivalent of when you messed up big time as a child and thought you were going to get the verbal lashing of a lifetime, only for your dad to say, "I'm not mad... I'm just disappointed."


9. Serenity











Do you remember this movie? At all? It came out back in January of 2019. It's got a pretty great cast - McConaughey, Hathaway, Diane Lane, Jason Clarke... and it looked like one of those pseudo-noir, murder mystery type drama/thrillers that could be pretty clever, especially considering the talent attached. Well, let me tell you, folks - holy shit. This movie is absolutely nuts. What appears like your typical whodunnit noir - is actually something completely bonkers. You're right that I didn't guess the ending because NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER GUESS THE ENDING. I want all of you to go to Amazon Prime right now and watch this movie. It's terrible, yes. But it's something that you have to see to actually believe. Those of you (I'm assuming all of you) who won't do that - I'm going to spoil it now. So, if you don't want it spoiled for you, jump down to #8. But if you don't care - and you should because it's that insane to witness happen live - here is what the "twist" ending is for this nutty film: The whole thing takes place in a video game. Yep. McConaughey is dead. His son created a video game. What we're watching is the game play. I'm not joking. Now do you wanna go watch it? (It's even creepier because McConaughey is naked like 33% of the movie and bangs like... everyone).


8. Replicas










Keanu really has been doing well for himself. He made an epic comeback with the John Wick franchise, and he hasn't really had many missteps along the way. Except Replicas. I'm sure none of you saw this movie. Because you're much smarter than I am. I'm sure all of you saw through the deceptive Keanu cloak and realized what was underneath - a sci-fi turd not fit for human consumption. You know those people in high school who always raised their hand in class to answer a question philosophically and sounded so cocky while doing so thinking they nailed every aspect of their answer, but what actually came out was pure gibberish? That's like watching Replicas. Only while the student is spilling out the nonsense, you're compensating for having to listen to it by repeatedly hitting yourself in your temple with a ball peen hammer.


7. Where'd You Go, Bernadette?












I had almost finished this list entirely without this movie on it - because I hadn't seen it. But I just so happened to catch it on a plane ride last weekend. I was partly interested in it because I have a major crush on Cate Blanchett and I'm a big fan of director Richard Linklater. I'd heard the book was good so I gave it a go. Holy shit was this nothing what I expected. Now, it might've been my fault for assuming the plot - but the trailers made it seem like we get to see an hour of Bernadette's life and then she disappears and the rest of the movie are her friends/family/neighbors out looking for her and figuring out where she went... I mean, this isn't a terrible assumption, right? Look at the fucking title of the movie!!! Nope. We know exactly where she goes. We know why she goes. And the looking for her section of the film could've only been about 20 minutes of its slog of a runtime. Now, that alone isn't enough to warrant putting this movie on the list. The movie itself is AWFUL. It's rich white people, with rich white people problems, and a rich white male consistently GASLIGHTING his wife for an ENTIRE FILM and at the end she's like - oh, I love you husband. At the end, during the dude's "change of heart" realization moment, he literally says "She stopped creating art. How did I ever let her do that?" IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, ASSHOLE! Oh, man, did I hate this movie.


6. Murder Mystery











Putting an Adam Sandler movie on a Worst Of list is as expected and cliche as nominating Meryl Streep for literally any performance she does. But this is less an indictment of Sandler as it is of Jennifer Aniston and the writer of Murder Mystery. Aniston is a respected actress who normally chooses juicy/funny roles in good movies. She's a powerhouse. And even her first dip in the Adam Sandler pool wasn't too bad. Just Go With It is a very stupid movie, but at least it's funny. Murder Mystery is anything but. And for Adam Sandler movies it's actually not as bad as the last ten years. But for Aniston it's pretty horrendous. It's mostly just boring. There's nothing overly funny. There's nothing overly exciting. There's especially nothing clever. It's just a piece of slightly burnt white toast that's been left out for a few days. It's not gonna kill you - but you shouldn't fucking eat it. Oh - and the writer. He wrote Zodiac. Yeah. Shame on you, sir.


5. The Fanatic












You have no idea what this movie is. And that's good. You still have a piece of innocence attached to your soul that I have otherwise lost. Suffice it to say it's my fault. I knew what it was. But it was out of sheer morbid curiosity that led me to watching this monstrosity. John Travolta made a movie directed by Fred Durst. Yes. That Fred Durst. Red hat. Douchebag. Nookie. Limp Bizkit Fred fucking Durst. They made a movie together. And Travolta has a mullet. Like I said. It's my own fault. But if you want to travel that cinematic river styx as well - it's on Amazon Prime.


4. Aladdin











Disney is literally so afraid of making anything new that they've stopped making crappy sequels to their humongous catalogue of films and started making live-action remakes of their cartoons. It made sense when it was Cinderella. It was kinda cool to see Beauty and the Beast. Now... it's just insane. Not only do the original writers/creators of the animated classics get literally zero compensation from the mouse house, but these movies are straight up garbage. Aladdin is one of my all time favorite Disney movies. Going into it I was most worried about Will Smith bastardizing a role that Robin Williams made iconic. What happened after was me realizing that Will Smith actually did a fantastic job - it's everything else that was hot wet garbage. The chemistry between the two leads was non-existent. Jafar - one of the scariest cartoon villains - was cartoonishly un-scary in this. The song and dance numbers were boring. The acting was bad. The writing was bad. But somehow they managed to mush a collection of live action scenes from an animated movie and put it together to call it a movie. Honestly, after awhile it was just embarrassing to watch.


3. X-Men: Dark Phoenix











I'm going to ask you to go back and remember a couple of things. First, remember when the first round of X-Men movies culminated in The Last Stand - that terrible third movie about Jean Grey getting turned evil and eventually into Phoenix? Okay. Keep that in your brain. Now... remember when they rebooted X-Men with First Class and Days of Future Past and it seemed like there was new life in these movies and characters? They were fun. They got A-listers who wanted to be there. Sure, Apocalypse was a misstep, but they had another movie to make up for it. Okay. Now keep THAT in your brain. Finally, do you remember when they thought it was a great idea to remake The Last Stand? With the same guy who wrote The Last Stand? I don't know why... maybe to give him another shot at redemption? And then they even let him direct it? And then he somehow in his infinite wisdom... made the same movie... even worse??? And all but killed the entire franchise? There are a lot of different people to blame for this grotesque eyesore of a film, but mostly I just blame white dudes. Women directors get offered almost nothing in Hollywood, especially when it comes to the big summer tentpole movies. But a white dude who epically failed the first time gets ANOTHER CHANCE to write the same movie again instead of giving it to someone who deserves it... white dudes are to blame. As always.


2. Glass










Once upon a time, there was a director named M. Night Shyamalan. He splashed onto the scene with The Sixth Sense - an instant classic. He followed it up with the just-as-clever, but underrated Unbreakable. He made a few more movies, but seemed to lose the mojo he had with the first two and eventually went away for a few years. Then he came back with Split, which was both clever and terrifying and - twist! - a sequel to Unbreakable. The dude was back! And they let him write his third and final movie of the trilogy - Glass. This was supposed to be the epic conclusion to two of his best and smartest films. So, what happened? I'm still trying to figure that out. It wasn't clever. It wasn't scary. It wasn't insightful. It was overly long. It was frought with a slow-pace and strange dialogue. And it ended in the most anti-climactic and frustrating way possible. (A puddle of water?! Seriously?!) If Unbreakable and Split are the equivalent of Terminator and T2... Glass is Norbit.


1. The Cats trailer











Let's put aside the fact that we all know Cats is the absolute, hands-down worst movie of the year. It has to be. I haven't even seen it and it has to be. Why? Because the trailer for Cats is worse than any movie I saw in all of 2019. It's the stuff nightmares are made of. I haven't slept right since. I haven't been able to look at an animal the same way again. I never thought something could actively ruin Judi Dench. It takes a significant amount of people to help make a movie go from inception to finished product released to the masses - and not one person saw what was happening and was like, "uhh... guys... what's going on here?" No one had the wherewithal to say, "hey fellas... people really went apeshit when that Sonic the Hedgehog trailer came out and Sony went and fixed him... you think we should...? Cuz it's pretty creepy...? No? I'll just go fuck myself? I'll just go fuck myself."


DISHONORABLE MENTIONS: The Lion King, Happy Death Day 2U, Yesterday, The Intruder, Isn't It Romantic

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