Once upon a time there was a man named Colin Trevorrow. He directed a quirky little indie movie called Safety Not Guaranteed. He was noticed by the big names of Hollywood and given the chance to direct some big movies. His break into the world of Summer blockbusters was when he was given the chance to reboot the Jurassic Park franchise. He wrote the film and sat in the director's chair. His name was such a hot commodity that the folks over at Star Wars-- who were also working on their reboot trilogy decided if he was good enough for Jurassic Park... he was good enough for them. So, while the guy was about to put out his Jurassic movie, his name was slated in to direct Star Wars Epiosde IX. His summer masterpiece Jurassic World was released... to much disappointment. Somehow little Colin was able to take a beloved franchise and the world's most popular and charismatic actor and turn it into a pile of dinosaur shit that not even Laura Dern would stick her arm into. The film became a cavalcade of social media posts claiming that Jurassic World had ruined people's entire childhoods. After this, Trevorrow took a step back. He wrote and directed another indie movie, the critically hated Book of Henry and shortly after, Episode IX was taken away from him. Trevorrow decided not to direct Jurassic World's sequel, but pass it on to a capable director. Unfortunately for us... he remained involved by writing the film. We might never know how good the Jurassic reboots may have been without Trevorrow's involvement. But suffice it to say, if people didn't like dinosaurs so damn much, he may have been the stake through the heart the franchise almost had after Jurassic Park III. JW: Fallen Kingdom isn't getting great reviews and Trevorrow is fading faster than I'm sure he'd expected. So, dear friends, I'm not yet sure how this story ends. But little Colin's reign of terror over our beloved movie franchises may soon be coming to an end.
Okay, so I wasn't one of the people claiming Jurassic World had ruined my childhood, but it punched me deep in the gut (and I have a rather sizable gut). I was so excited to see the reboot of a franchise I loved throughout my youth. And it started with a GREAT idea. The park is open! Like, there's an actual theme park with dinosaurs that people can travel to. And people do. And things go terribly wrong. And people are eaten. What a perfect way to bring back the franchise. Unfortunately, terrible writing got in the way of any fun that could've been had. Male characters were hollow. Female characters were caricatures instead of human beings. And for a movie with such a great premise, there was almost zero fun to be had. There was no terror whatsoever. There was no suspense. There was no way it could've been as bad as it was... but it was. Let's also not forget about the sub-plot of the evil general wanting to weaponize raptors and start selling dinosaurs to armies as super-dino-soldiers. Yeah, folks, that was a real thing. Chris Pratt, coming off The Lego Movie and Guardians of the Galaxy has a heightened wit and charm about him and the one thing Trevorrow decided to do was remove all of that so not even Pratt's charisma could save the film. It's one of the most disappointing movies I've ever seen in my life based on how excited I was for a movie with a premise and a cast that appeared to be perfect. Now, because of the way the first Jurassic World went, the sequel would have to fall in line with somewhat of the same narrative. This makes the story for JW: Fallen Kingdom that much more disappointing. They weren't able to start over and rectify all of the problems from the previous film, but instead, had to try to continue the story and fix all the problems along the way-- which has proven to be an impossible task.
JW: Fallen Kingdom is a really, really dumb movie. It's dumb. It's dumb dumb dumb. But how could it not be? The first film ends with the park REALLY getting shut down this time and the idea of these raptors being used as weapons never really gets closure, so of course we have to continue down this idiotic storyline. However! Even though its premise is absurd. Even though its story is dumber than taking time to explain to us how Han Solo got his name... it's a better movie than Jurassic World. Now, this isn't a great compliment. Hell, the fifth Transformers movie was better than Jurassic World. That doesn't mean it's any good. Where Jurassic World had a very smart premise and executed it poorly... JW: Fallen Kingdom has an awful premise and actually manages to execute it semi-decently. Now, there are a lot of faults in this movie. I rolled my eyes and shook my head more often than I could count, but I still didn't hate it as much as I hated its predecessor. What Fallen Kingdom has is actual entertainment value. Even though what I was watching was dumb as eating a hot pocket full of rocks, I was still very entertained. This, in part, I'm sure has to do with the director's chair. Sure, no matter who took the helm of this film still had to figure out a way to shoot a script written by little Colin (no easy feat), but a competent director would be able to find ways to make it better. JA Bayona who only has a short (but delightful) filmography with films like The Orphanage, The Impossible, and A Monster Calls is able to take the idiot man-droolings of Trevorrow's script and add some actual terror and entertainment to the film.
The story is basically divided into two halves. Once again Trevorrow is trying something "new" with the franchise and totally falters where he could've excelled. The first half of the movie is what the entire movie should've been. Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard), now a dino-activist who no longer wears high heels, is roped in by John Hammond's old partner Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell) to head to Isla Nublar and save the dinosaurs from yet another extinction. Nublar's volcano is about to erupt at any second and the hot debate of the world is whether or not to save these dinosaurs or let God do to them what was originally intended. Since Lockwood is old and dying, a suited douchebag by the name of Eli Mills works on his behalf (spending his money). He tells Claire they have found a large uninhabited island they can transport the dinosaurs to in order to save them. But they need her help in tracking Blue (the blue-striped dinosaur from the last film). So, she ropes in Owen (Chris Pratt) to go to the island to save them. Once the two of them, plus a tech nerd Franklin, and a dino-vet Zia, get to the island and capture Blue, they discover Eli's plan wasn't to save the dinosaurs at all. But to capture them and put them up for auction to the highest bidder. The volcano erupts, most of the dinosaurs die, and the humans barely escape from certain death. The second half of the movie is inside Lockwood's mansion where Eli gathers all the buyers, auctions off the dinosaurs-- including a new evil never-before-seen hybrid dinosaur. The dinosaurs escape and it's dino-havoc around the mansion once again.
The first half of the movie should've been the movie. I don't know why the story of having to save a species from extinction once again, with the threat of a volcano isn't enough conflict for Trevorrow. The most fun we have in the film is in the first half. It's once they get to the mainland that things get downright dumb. The stuff with the volcano and the dinosaurs is actually very exciting and fun and feels blockbuster-y. But the problem with it is-- we see a lot of them die. Audiences don't go to Jurassic Park movies to watch dinosaurs die. They go to see dinosaurs eat people. Lots of 'em. And if we do see one die, it's two dinos dukin' it out until the T-Rex pops out of nowhere and saves the day (seriously, this happens two more times in this movie... and as much of an eye-rolling expectation as it is... I still love it). What we don't want to see is an island on fire, covered in smoke and lava, and the one innocent Brontosaurus standing on a dock looking sad as it succumbs to the fire. This is a real shot in the movie. It's a long shot. It lingers and lingers and it's depressing as hell and not what I signed up for with a JP film. There's actually quite a bit of dino-abuse (yes, I realize it's part of a running commentary on animal abuse in general... and yes, a lot of these dinos do get their revenge), but it's just not something I enjoy watching. So, the fun and excitement of the movie does actually get too bogged down by the depressing images of dinosaurs dying and moments of human abuse.
Now, the second half of the movie is absolute bonkers. It all takes place at the Lockwood estate. And it amps up the dumb to 1000. However, what we do get is more terror. This is where hiring Bayona to direct was a great idea. While every plot point in the second half of the movie is so bad you're almost embarrassed to be watching it (seriously, it's like by you sitting there watching the movie, you feel somewhat responsible for the movie), it's actually kinda scary. What the first Jurassic Park movie did so well was it blended horror and thrills together perfectly. It was big and exciting, but then got smaller and scarier. Seriously, the raptor scene with the kids in the kitchen still gets me tense and is one of the scariest scenes in movie history. Bayona does try to get us back to that tension when we feel a lot more claustrophobic inside the mansion, rather than the island. It's not the story that succeeds, but it's the feel of the movie that lends to the entertainment factor-- something the last movie didn't have much of.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is much more entertaining that the last movie. They fixed a lot of the problems it had, but also created new ones. I think I liked this one more too because sadly my expectations going into it were very low. And I don't want to feel that way going into a Jurassic Park movie. They're supposed to be smart and exciting. And while Fallen Kingdom definitely ups the excitement factor, it's a really really dumb movie. Seriously. Here are some things that actually happen in this movie:
**A tablet is stepped on and an entire security system shuts down completely.
**Chris Pratt is introduced by building a cabin for himself... by himself.
**Dinosaurs are actually auctioned off... to evil Russian bad guys.
**It's explained that raptors can smell you up to a mile away, but can't find three people hiding behind a statue two feet away... or in a closet.
**A dinosaur actually climbs a ladder.
**A raptor learns how to love.
**A dinosaur PRETENDS to be asleep. Seriously. I'm not joking. It even does the thing where it opens one eye when the person is looking away, then CLOSES ITS EYE when the person looks back. THEN IT FREAKING SMILES!
So, yes, there's a lot of dumb shit that goes down in this movie and by all accounts it isn't a good movie. And if I'd gone into the movie with the same hope and expectations that I did with Jurassic World I'd probably have hated it just as much. But we have to realize something now, folks. We can't just go into these movies anymore with the same expectations as we used to. We need to turn off our brains, accept that Trevorrow will probably be around for the third movie (yes, they set up a third film, ugh), and go watch some dinosaurs do dinosaur things. Maybe... eventually... when this trilogy is over, we can get someone with actual writing competence to reboot it once again and give us the Jurassic Park sequel we've been waiting for since the first one.
C-
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