This one stings, folks. I mean, it hurts a lot. I was excited for this movie more than any other movie coming out this summer. I mean, it's the triumphant return to Jurassic Park. And not only that... it's got probably the most watchable actor, the Harrison Ford of today, Chris Pratt. Dinosaurs...Pratt...my childhood. Literally, you'd have to screw up pretty hard for me to hate it. And guess what... major freaking screw up. Like on an unfathomable level. Like, Jurassic Park III sucked, but this is on an entirely different level. This one was actually supposed to be good and they had like fifteen years to get it right. When the third film of a trilogy sucks and they decide to make a fourth, it's supposed to redeem everything that was wrong about the third film, almost as an apology film to fans. To me, Jurassic World looked like more than an apology... it was to be an awakening of a brand new saga of movies. But, somehow, along the way, we've regressed. Jurassic World was so disappointingly bad that I may now have a bleak outlook on my childhood forever.
I don't even know where to begin to explain to you why this movie failed on so many levels. Let's start with the plot. Okay, twenty years after the events of the first movie (because I don't think the other two are accounted for here) John Hammond has passed on his legacy to a billionaire who has successfully done what Hammond couldn't-- actually open a theme park with live dinosaurs. So, we've got Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) a workaholic who runs the park watching over the new addition to the park and it's newest guest-- a genetically modified dinosaur they've created in a lab. Then, there's ex-Navy guy Owen (Chris Pratt) on the island, uh, checking on stuff? I'm not entirely sure why he's there. To make sure that shit runs right and to train velociraptors... I'll get into that in a bit. Then, there's two shitty little kids, Claire's nephews, who are at the park because one is a weirdo little autistic dinosaur lover and no idea about the other one. Anyhoo, new dinosaur is smart and escapes his enclosure and the rest of the movie is this dinosaur messing everything up. Oh, but let's not forget the rogue general whose ENTIRE motivation on the island is the train dinosaurs to, get this, fight for the military. Um, what?!?! Yeah, he's there so Raptors and this new dinosaur can fight for 'Merica against them dirty sand bandits across the sea. How did ANYONE think this was an okay idea? It's absolutely ridiculous and is the entire character basis for a pretty decently large sub-plot.
My biggest gripes with the movie, other than the terrible plot is that it's not that much fun. They do literally ZERO character development. None. And for a summer blockbuster that's usually okay. But, for an intelligent Spielberg produced film, one that spawns from one of his greatest movies, this is not okay. Especially with Chris Pratt. I love the guy. I could watch him do anything. He's such a fun person that gives so much life to any character he portrays. Except Owen. There is no life to Owen. At all. When you hire Chris Pratt to be in your film, give him things to do that keep us interested. He can be witty and charming and still be a badass. He doesn't have to go full serious-face and forget that we want to have a good time. Then, there's the CGI. It's horrendous. And, people, it's 2015. We've had Avatar. We've had Planet of the Apes. We know amazing CGI exists. Just not in this film. The dinosaurs look awfully fake. You are very aware as you watch them that they're animated and pose literally zero threat to any character they chase. This took me almost completely out of the movie. There was no tension whatsoever because I wasn't scared of the dinosaurs. How does a movie that is twenty-two years older than the original have worse effects than its predecessor? And for that matter, why in the hell would you change the color of the dinosaurs??? Like, they legitimately turned the raptors blue. Blue raptors aren't scary! I mean, you tell me. Which is more scary? This:
I'm looking at the one that actually appears realistic and trying to keep myself from having childhood PTSD nightmares from how much the raptors terrified me. And speaking of raptors... let's talk about how this movie totally RUINED raptors. One of the most intense scenes in Jurassic Park is the kitchen scene when the kids literally have nowhere to hide and the raptors are searching for them and tapping that menacing claw on the ground. It's horrifying. In this new installment... raptors are the good guys. Pratt's character trains them to be on his side and they listen to him and, dare I say, maybe even love him. The part that lost it for me entirely is when Owen enlists the help of his raptor clan and one of the raptors locks freaking eyes with him and nods. The raptor nods. The goddamn blue raptor nods at a human in understanding and brotherhood.
For having five writers attached (which is usually a pretty big red flag) the writing was pretty abysmal. It took all the fun and suspense and terror out of the original and just flopped down basic characters with zero arc, and ran a new CGI dinosaur around an island to kill everything for two hours. The first film gave us two awesome kid characters that were in real danger and we wanted to survive. This time we get hopelessly annoying brothers, one of which is so borderline autistic it's confusing, and the other one is such a blatant dick you don't care if either survive.
But the movie made over 500 million dollars worldwide in just three days, so there is literally no end in sight. And I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Good because there's no way it could be as bad as this one was, and, come on, I'm always going to love watching dinosaur movies. Bad because it's another excuse for Hollywood to go on rejecting original ideas and keep writing the same thing over and over without somehow improving the quality of the effects.
I was so excited about this movie and I was let down so hard. It's not even one of those movies where if you turn your brain off you can just enjoy the roaring and loud noises. There's so much wrong with this movie. I no longer have any hope for any movie the rest of the summer. Can we just fast forward to the end of the year when all of the Awards season movies are released? You definitely won't listen, but skip it. Your childhood memories depend on it.
D
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