Here's the thing... before I get into my "review" of Grown Ups 2, I have to do a bit of reminding. Not just for you fellow readers out there. But for myself, as well. Everyone involved with Grown Ups 2 once did something magical before that captured our hearts and made us love them. Adam Sandler used to be the face of comedy we all looked forward to. One of my childhood memories was getting Happy Gilmore on VHS and watching so much that the tape wore out. He gave us The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, and even The Waterboy. Adam Sandler was not only considered beloved by many, but also considered funny by most. Kevin James... his film career has been a short one, but do we remember The King of Queens? Sure, sitcoms and canned laughter aren't for everyone, but not many people can deny that this show was funny. James along with Jerry Stiller and Patton Oswalt was comedy in a bottle. There's a reason it lasted for ten seasons. And should we also forget his very sweet/funny role in the film Hitch? Chris Rock... for those of you who haven't heard his stand up comedy, just know that the man is a genius. He is genuinely one of the top five funniest comics... of all time! He's the smartest, most intellectual comic to grace a stage since the late George Carlin. David Spade... man, you were in one of my all-time favorite movies, Tommy Boy. I have a poster of it in my room. You complimented Farley so well as the weasely-little man with the snippy comebacks. Every line that came out of your mouth in that movie was so funny and the perfect foil for Farley's craziness. Yes, everyone in this film was once a very respected person...
...until...fucking...now. Adam Sandler, I don't know what it is, but you have this spell you put on people. You make such abysmal movies now, movies that no one on this planet should see. But we do. And we hate you for it. And we say we're never going to see another movie again. Then, like Alzheimer's patients, your newest movie trailer is released and suddenly we're like... "okay, that one might not be so bad." But it is. It's worse than the one before it. Adam Sandler, you're literally like one of my favorite people in Hollywood... why do you refuse to adapt to the humor of today?? Why are you stuck in the 90s with jokes that are so bad even the 90s are like "whoa, dude... don't give us credit for that!" This is your first sequel too! You could've picked any other goddamn movie you've ever done and given us a better sequel! No sequel to Big Daddy? No sequel to Anger Management? Hell, we would've watched a sequel to Zohan because at least that movie had a plot! How is your dumbest and most irrelevant fucking film the one you decided to do a sequel to? Was it because you didn't have to do any work? Was it because you got to hang out with your friends for a few months, make jerk each other off with your old-person 90s puns (literally the best witty remark in the film is: "I haven't been around this many arrogant white kids since Eminem played at Duke"). Seriously?? Eminem jokes?? I have a homework assignment for you, Sandler... watch a fucking movie from this era! Watch a comedy movie and tell me if ANY of the humor in BOTH of your Grown Ups films are anything like what people enjoy now? You're not a comedy staple anymore, buddy, you're becoming a slowly fading away novelty that people (who are older than 9) are just getting tired of. If you'd simply just adapt to the times of what's funny now (because I guarantee you dressing up like a woman is STILL HILARIOUS) you'd be able to re-generate some of the respect lost.
Now, I'd like to point out that I didn't see the entire film of Grown Ups 2. I was movie-hopping and there was an hour gap between films that I actually wanted to see and stepped into this movie about fifteen minutes late and left about fifteen minutes early (don't worry, I guarantee I didn't miss anything). But, here's what I got as far as a plot goes: Everyone has moved to that place they were in the first movie because it was so much fun in the first movie even though it didn't look like it was much fun in the first movie to us but that doesn't matter because anything Sandler says goes so there's like this dance recital they go to for the young daughters but the dance recital teacher is a hot russian chick who dances like a stripper and then all the guys stare at her and love her and want her and then she's dating Stone Cold Steve Austin who says he's going to kick Sandler's ass but then he doesn't but then Sandler pretends like he was going to kick Stone Cold's ass but then he doesn't then they all go out for ice cream where Colin Quinn works because everybody was waiting for that day when Colin fucking Quinn would make his triumphant return to the screen and because its kinda like a metaphor for washed up people telling washed up jokes in a washed up film but anyway he works at an ice cream shop and when he stands on the machine to fix it and chocolate spills out it looks like he's pooping and its so funny because chocolate ice cream and poop look alike and then Chris Rock hates his mother in law and makes her wait for cable all day and then when she gets up to poop he pretends he missed her and leaves and then they all go to this cliff where they were when they were younger and then frat guys come over and then the frat guys make the other guys jump off naked and then kevin james is fat and then he jumps and lands on david spade and then its so funny because he's fat that he's learned to do this thing where he can burp, sneeze and fart all at the same time and its funny because he's fat so every time he does it obviously everyone in the theater laughs and then everyone is so embarrassed for these guys because they're naked and then they find a giant tire and put Spade in the tire and it rolls all through town with Spade in it and then it stops and then he throws up and probably poops too because at this point there hadn't been a poop joke in almost five minutes and then Kevin James gets taken to a car wash with his wife and then male cheerleaders wash their car and then you might actually smile at this scene because what's funny is all of the current SNL actors who still have a sense of what is funny in 2013 and then Sandler tries to teach his kid how to be a football kicker and then his kid breaks his leg and then Sandler feels like a bad dad but it's actually Spade who is a bad dad because he finds out he has a son and then he's also dating a girl who is a huge body builder and then they all eat dinner and talk about their day and then Kevin James is funny because he's fat and then Steve Buscemi is in it and it's weird because he's Nucky Thompson on Boardwalk Empire and he's also in this and it doesn't make any earthly sense because it's like being the best at having sex and then continually taking a hammer to your penis until it is warped and unusable and then they all decide to throw a huge 80s party and it all takes place in one day and they come up with the theme in that day and everyone already has a great costume and then you realize that the 80s were funnier than this movie and nobody liked the 80s and then Ellen Cleghorn and Cheri Oteri are in it and it just makes sense and then the J. Geils Band is in it and it just makes sense and then Kevin James burp, farts, sneezes one more time, my brain explodes inside my head, my eyes roll back, droll falls out of my mouth and I die in the theater.
I've seen National Geographic magazine covers funnier than Grown Ups 2. I get more giggles walking down the Automotive Parts section of Target than I did with Grown Ups 2. I've had more fun breaking my ankle and then still having to climb three miles down the Grand Canyon than I did in Grown Ups 2. Take a good, long look at yourself, people. This is now the idiot's litmus test. If you meet someone who says that they liked either of these films, slowly back out of the room, while still remembering to blink, and get the hell out of there. If you find yourself liking Grown Ups 2, there is a suicide hotline number that you can call. They will help you.
F
(Review not proofread or given any attention to grammatical errors because if Adam Sandler doesn't care enough about me to write something good, then I don't care either).
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