Welcome back to my list of shit that might be good and might be bad and might be either. Here I prognosticate about what movies you should look forward to and which ones are going to blow donkey dongs. I have no more inside information than you do at my disposal... I just have the free time to be able to write this list twice a year for the four people who are inclined to read it and discuss it with me further. So, what's the prognosis for fall? It does look like kind of a down year as far as December blockbusters are concerned. There's no Star Wars, there's no Marvel, there's nothing really to get super EXCITED over. However, there's going to be a lot of good movies. Not big or shiny movies, but under the radar good ones that will probably lead to a crowded awards season. So, without further adieu... here's my list:
BEST UPCOMING:
11/2
Boy Erased
Oof! Right off the bat we start heavy - a movie about a pastor who forces his son into gay conversion therapy - and it's a true damn story. This movie is definitely going to wreck anyone who sees it. Look for stellar performances from Lucas Hedges, Russell Crowe, and Nicole Kidman. I'm excited to see what Joel Edgerton brings to the table as a director. I'm really looking forward to this one.
11/9
Overlord
This one is just a balls-out guess. I have no idea if this movie is going to be awesome or a pile of shit. It's a Nazi-zombie movie that looks absolutely bonkers and it's produced by JJ Abrams. For awhile it was rumored that it was another Cloverfield movie - and knowing Abrams' secretive nature with those movies it might actually still be one. It's R rated, so I'm hoping they don't hold back and this is a cult classic ready to embrace all of us in just a couple of weeks. Also - this is probably wishful thinking as far as 'Best' goes - I just really don't want it to suck.
The Front Runner
It's been awhile since Jason Reitman had a legitimate hit. He came out strong with Thank you for Smoking, Juno and Up in the Air, but has since cooled off. The Front Runner looks to be the movie to put him back in the directing spotlight. It's a movie about a true to life political scandal told in what appears to be a darkly comical way. Plus, it's got Hugh Jackman in it and he's always got the tendency to breathe life into any project he's a part of. I'm rolling with high hopes for this one.
11/16
Widows
This movie has the strongest possibility of being one of the best of the entire year. For one, it just looks straight up badass. The cast is damn near unparalleled. And it's a vehicle from a very strong (and Oscar-winning) director. A bunch of thieves are killed in the midst of a heist, so their widows have to pick up the slack and pull one of their own for fear of getting killed? Yeah, sign me up for that. Just watch the trailer and I guarantee you will put this movie near the top of your must-see list for the fall season.
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald
I figured putting this one on here should be a no-brainer. Most of the Harry Potter movies are fantastic and even though the first Fantastic Beasts movie was just mediocre, the story this one is out to tell looks a lot more intense. Hell, who isn't excited about seeing Dumbledore and Grindelwald go at it? It's been hyped up long enough. Sure, the movie is mired in controversy over the casting of Johnny Depp, but I have a feeling this movie is not only going to do well financially, but give us that Harry Potter meal we've been starving for.
11/23
Creed II
I never even thought to throw the first Creed on my list of 'Best' when it came out a couple of years ago, but it was so surprisingly good it earned Sly a friggin' Oscar nom that most people predicted he'd actually win. Sure, this new one doesn't have Ryan Coogler attached, but dude... Creed fights Drago's kid. Who the hell is not excited just at the prospect of getting a front row seat to that fight? Who cares if the movie isn't great? The fight will be!
Green Book
Mahershala Ali made a huge splash with an Oscar win for Moonlight and has since been collecting coveted roles. It's been a minute since we've seen him, but here he makes a triumphant return in what is sure to be serious Oscar bait. What's most interesting about the project - other than the timely and resonant story itself - is that it's directed by one half of the Farrelly brothers, doing what is the very first drama from either of them. If the movie is as good as the trailer, then it's going to be the sleeper hit of Fall.
Ralph Breaks the Internet: Wreck-It Ralph 2
This one should be a no-brainer. Wreck-It Ralph was a great movie. It had heart, it was funny, it was a ton of fun... a sequel was bound to happen. As long as it doesn't lose the magic of what made the first one so great, this one should be another win for Disney. And we all know from a long line of quality films that we can always rely on Disney as long as it's not another Cars film.
11/30
If Beale Street Could Talk
As much as Mahershala Ali's return to film was anticipated, it was also highly anticipated what Barry Jenkins' (director of Moonlight) next film would be. He chose an adaptation of a James Baldwin work. The man knows exactly what to choose that his talent will be able to provide for the proper adaptation. The film looks dramatic as all hell and looks to be a movie that should already just advertise with Oscar noms even though we won't know officially until January. With this film, it's looking like a very dramatic last couple of months to the year.
12/14
The Mule
This one is definitely a stretch... Clint Eastwood has made a lot of blasé films lately. They're interesting stories that don't necessarily do anything exceptional to earn any praise. But, based on the trailer alone (and the fact that Eastwood is pushing 90 and still churning out two movies a year) I'm very interested. Eastwood seems to be playing the type of role he's best at - as well as a role that goes completely against type. He's a 90-year-old drug mule for a cartel with Bradley Cooper on his tale? I have a feeling this will be the movie to redeem Eastwood's struggles of the past few years.
12/23
Welcome to Marwen
Siiiiiiigggghhhhhhhh. Can't we get a little action or comedy this upcoming Oscar season? We have to watch not one, but TWO super dramatic Steve Carell movies?? I'm only complaining because it seems like such a downer year for downer dramas, but the worst part is they're all going to be stellar. Welcome to Marwen also looks super heartbreaking, but Robert Zemeckis puts his own creative spin on a tragic story. Carell will be terrific as always and this movie will be fantastic. Mark my words. Now do something funny again, Carell. What's Adam McKay doing these days...?
12/28
Vice
Oh, that's what Adam McKay is doing. Not another Will Ferrell movie. Not something riotously funny. Nope. He's coming off The Big Short looking to do something politically topical. Ugh. Fine. Is it too much to ask my favorite comedic actors and directors to go back to comedy??? Yeah. It's gonna be great. Yeah. Christian Bale looks fantastic and who doesn't want to see Sam Rockwell do his best W? Actually, I'm really looking forward to this movie. Now go do something funny. All of you!!!
WORST UPCOMING:
10/26
Hunter Killer
Look, I get it. Gerard Butler doesn't make Oscar bait movies. He makes clunky R-rated action movies for alpha males who like to eat meat and look at boobs. Hell, I'm one of 'em. But even this one I'm not entirely sure how it's getting a theatrical release. The story is terrible. The special effects look like some kid in high school made them on his laptop. And the movie just feels dumb as balls. There's no way it's going to be any good. The only thing everyone is going to be saying after the release of this movie is: "What the hell is Gary Oldman doing?!?!"
11/2
Nobody's Fool
Tiffany Haddish has been a HOT commodity since Girl's Trip. Everyone wants to work with her and they want her to star in their comedy vehicle. But, as I feared would happen... she's been oversaturated. She's not choosing her roles carefully. It just looks like she's taking everything and trying to star in whatever she can whenever she can. She's had FIVE movies come out this year alone. And an R rated Tyler Perry movie is not going to be the one to remind us how great she is. Even if she is GREAT in it - the movie, guaranteed... won't be.
11/9
The Grinch
This movie is on here basically out of principle. It's undeniable that this movie definitely did NOT need to be rebooted. And it's Universal... who puts out animated films that LOOK good but always fall flat (Sing, The Secret Life of Pets, Despicable Me). I probably wouldn't have a problem with it because it doesn't actually look that bad. But out of protest for my past love of Jim Carrey, I gotta shove this movie onto the worst list.
11/16
Instant Family
What a terrible looking piece of schlocky shit this movie will be. First of all, go watch the trailer and then argue that it doesn't feel like an early 90s feel-good movie that panders to its audience with a moral that it constantly shoves down the viewer's throat like a broken neon sign leaking mercury. Sean Anders, helmer of Daddy's Home, looks like he's straight up insulting his audience with this one and there's no way I'm going to believe that any part of it is good. What, was Hallmark too busy to take this script on? Who lost a poker bet to Anders to slip this one into the November lineup?
11/23
Robin Hood
Another year... another Robin Hood movie. Seriously, this has to be one of the most rebooted and remade stories of all time. When are studios going to realize that literally no one cares about this story anymore? Not only is this movie going to be a snore-fest... it's going to lose a LOT of money. Does anyone remember King Arthur last year? Yeah, no one gave a shit then and no one is going to give a shit now. Ridley Scott couldn't even do it when Russell Crowe was at his celebrity apex. Robin Hood is played out in Hollywood, people! Throw some money at some original content every once in awhile and you'll be surprised at how well it does (but probably not as surprised as this studio will be when the movie doesn't even recoup half of its budget).
12/14
Mortal Engines
I don't even know what the fuck is happening in this movie. It's like two large buildings (cities?) on wheels that are fighting each other? It's kinda futuristic... but in like a shitty Mad Max kinda way. It's kind of a dystopia... but in like a Divergent kind of way. I absolutely no clue what is going on, even after watching the full length trailer. But I know I'm not even close to interested in this film. Even knowing Peter Jackson co-wrote the script. This one will be a very expensive clunker.
Second Act
Oh boy. Oh no. Do I really need to explain this one? Here - let me put it to you this way: just picture it's Katherine Heigl on the poster. It's like that. And the movie is the same.
12/21
Aquaman
I absolutely love James Wan. I think he's one of the best horror directors of today - AND he got to direct one of the best Fast & Furious movies. I love the fact that he's been given these chances to direct huge blockbusters. But DC has an awful track list so far. And this movie doesn't give me any confidence in the ability to buck that trend. I honestly don't think Jason Momoa and Amber Heard have the charm necessary to draw the big numbers and declare that DC is back. But who knows?
Bumblebee
People honestly stopped giving a shit about Transformers like eight movies ago. Do you really think ANYONE is excited to see the spinoff of the one robot who uses the radio to talk? December 21st is going to be a dark day.
UPCOMING WILDCARDS:
11/2
Bohemian Rhapsody
I'm honestly stoked to see this movie. I love Queen and a Freddie Mercury movie has been long overdue. But early buzz is that the movie's plot and pacing aren't anything to write home about. However, what is generating a lot of buzz right now is Rami Malek's performance. And I'm willing to say that his portrayal of one of the greatest singers of all time is going to be worth the price of admission. I just don't think the film itself will be among the best of the Fall movie season.
11/9
The Girl in the Spider's Web
Daniel Craig didn't return. Rooney Mara didn't return. David Fincher didn't return. That doesn't say much about the next entry in the series that started with a pretty solid first run. Though, Fede Alvarez who helmed Don't Breathe and the Evil Dead remake is behind the camera, which gives me the tiniest bit of hope. I just don't think the story (which isn't a continuation of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo tale) is going to be strong enough to draw in an audience and keep their attention. I'm also unsure of Claire Foy in general. They all have something to prove. I'm just not confident they can.
12/14
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse
I'm honestly confused at the mere existence of this film. So, let me get this straight? We JUST rebooted Spider-Man to throw into his own movies and with the Avengers. However, we are also doing a separate Spider-Man character in his own universe that doesn't have anything to do with the other Spider-Man in the MCU. And to top it all off - it's animated. Seriously, what??? It's my mere confusion that has solidified this movie in the 'Wildcard' section. Maybe someone can explain to me what the hell is going on here because I don't have a clue.
12/23
Mary Poppins Returns
Goddamn Disney. No one trusts original content anymore so they've succumbed to remakes and sequels. The bad thing is they're starting to remake their classic cartoons as "live action" (just how in the hell are you going to do a "live action" version of The Lion King? Eat a bag of dick sliders for even suggesting that, Disney!). Now, we've got a sequel to a movie that's over like 100 years old. It's just infuriating. It's a wildcard because even though I don't give a single ass about this movie... Emily Blunt is delightful and she has earned, at the very least, a Wildcard spot.
12/28
Holmes and Watson
This movie is definitely my jam. And as much as I wanted to stick it in the Best section, I do have my reservations. Yes, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly were great together in Talladega Nights. And there are a lot of people who consider Stepbrothers as a comedy classic (even though I absolutely hate it). But they haven't been together in awhile. Their normal collaborator Adam McKay has almost nothing to do with the movie. AND the Will Ferrell schtick hasn't exactly worked for a good few years. However, I'm very hopeful that this movie is as funny as it absolutely should be with the comedic talent attached.
So, as you can see, this Oscar season is riddled with heavy, HEAVY dramas. There isn't much in the way of good fluff in between. The bad are certainly going to be terrible. The good, in theory, should be Oscar-caliber. That means if we can eek in a couple of Wildcards into the 'Best' section then we might have a way of getting out of the holiday movie season alive. Thanks for reading!
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