Earlier this year I watched a movie in which a submarine breaks through thick sheets of ice and pops up atop the ice to chase down a gaggle of SUVs (and one Lamborghini). It fires a torpedo at the vehicles and one, "The Rock" Dwayne Johnson, leans out the side of the car he is currently driving, grabs hold of the torpedo as it speeds across the ice, and manually (meaning with his actual hands) changes the trajectory of the live torpedo. When I saw this happen I just naturally assumed this would be the dumbest thing I saw on screen all year. But then again... I forgot Michael Bay had made yet another Transformers movie. And Michael Bay will not be out-dumbed by anyone. Believe it or not Transformers: The Last Knight is the fifth film in the franchise. And there really are no films like the Transformers films. They contribute nothing to the good of humanity or the enrichment in the lives of anyone. Yet... they don't do any harm either (except maybe dumbing down our youth and future of this country). When I was a kid my mother always carried this little ziplock bag in her purse with candy and gum in it. Every once in a while she'd have something delicious in there when I was seeking some sort of sugar rush. And other times, she'd be damn near out of candy and all that was leftover were seven-year-old peppermints that were still wrapped but visually chopped into little pieces that I would reluctantly accept when there were no other choices of candy. This is what I equate the Transformers movies to. They're nothing you ever want, they're not exactly satisfactory when you're immersed in them, when it's over you don't feel any better... but you don't feel any worse, either.
The Last Knight is incomprehensible bonkers crazy shitsack dumb. There is no rhyme or reason that it should exist other than for some inexplicable reason the other films have made money and Mark Wahlberg must be repaying some sort of debt he made to the devil because this is the second movie he's been involved with. I saw the fourth film (first with Wahlberg), but I really don't remember a goddamn thing about it other than he was some sort of inventor, robot-cars get him involved with their intersellar war, and he is replacing (heh) Shia LeBouf as the lead of the franchise. This time around, Transformers have been outlawed by... uh... Earth(?)... and Wahlberg is now their fugitive protector. Somehow Optimus Prime is traveling the vastness of space in search of his planet Cybertron (actual name of the planet). So, as the Autobots (good guys) and Decipticons (hahahaha bad guys) are at war over some sort of ancient MacGuffin Merlin staff... Prime is confronted by this floating robot Medusa chick and turned from good guy Optimus Prime to (I'm not fucking kidding you) Nemesis Prime. She also tells him that their planet is a good planet and it was attacked by its own personal nemesis... Earth (or... heh... heh heh heh... Unicron). I can't make this shit up. Then there's something to do with King Arthur... something to do with the Army... something to do with a British Professor... and something to do with Anthony Hopkins. It makes no goddamn sense, but somehow this movie is better than it's previous two entries.
I assure you I am not advocating for the film, but there is some good within it. Once again, the CGI is top notch and beyond impressive. In moments when there's so much going on you can't recognize any discernable human figure, I found myself in awe of the technological marvel which is the animation in all of these movies. They may be dumber than a suitcase full of buttholes, but you can't argue they are visually impressive. Then, there's the female role. Normally, and this is the case with most Bay movies, they're "eye candy" introduced in very little clothing and covered with sweat. Instead, we actually have a strong female character who isn't just a sexual being, but capable of holding her own as well as integral to the actual plot of the movie. And then there's Anthony Hopkins. This film has generated quite a bit of buzz... not because anyone is actually interested in seeing it... but because everyone is wonder why SIR Anthony Hopkins agreed to do it. My guess... a fuckload of money as well as a fun character to portray. He's not just some wise British guy... he's an eccentric goof of a character that looks like he was having a blast. Even Hopkins has enough integrity as a thespian to give it his all, even in a movie that is based on fucking toys.
Okay, so that's what it's got going for it. But against it... I'm glad you asked: I still just can't get over how dumb this movie actually is. I don't mean dumb like hundreds of people got together to make a movie they genuinely thought was going to be a masterpiece... even Michael Bay knows this isn't happening. He's just out to rape your eyeballs with enough explosions that you'll still pay him money every time he releases a movie. His intention is entertainment... not artistic integrity. And... because of that... he genuinely succeeds. I was entertained in chunks when I wasn't so caught up in how unbelievably dumb everything else was. I keep saying this... but I don't think you understand. First off... King Arthur... the story of the Knights of the Round Table and Merlin and shit... that fictional tale... it's used in this movie as if it is actually factual history. Like it actually happened. And we're just supposed to accept it because I mean, we've already paid for a fifth movie based on plastic molded to be a children's toy, why the fuck would we question if Lancelot was a historical figure or not? I'm going to write a movie about a con man having an existential crisis and he's going to find out he's the direct descendant of Robin Hood and give all of the money he's stolen to the poor because now I can. I'm going to write a movie about a Wall Street banker who gets arrested for fraud and finds out his greed comes from his ancestor Ebenezer Scrooge because why not? I'm going to submit my script of a white teacher who reaches inner-city kids and improves their test scores who also has full on conversations with Peter Pan because fuck you.
Then, after this whole King Arthur nonsense... the movie basically turns into The Da Vinci Code with Wahlberg and Professor Lady figuring out where her long-lost father hid the MacGuffin from Merlin. There is actually a moment just like in Da Vinci Code when Tom Hanks figures out The Last Supper was actually something else... except this time it has to do with our planet and fucking PANGEA... I'm not making this up!!!!! And none of this would seem so ridiculous if everyone in the movie and everyone behind the scenes wasn't taking everything so fucking seriously. Like literally how many times can you hear someone with tears in their eyes, huffing and puffing, sweat dripping down their face, screaming/crying about something called a Decipticon?! I just... I just can't. Everyone involved in the film just wants you to care so damn much about everything... that's why they hold nothing back, especially when it comes to the action. The "plot" is dumb bonkers, but the action is nothing but rock-hard cocaine rage boner. They got a bunch of MIT graduates, pumped them full of Monster Energy Drinks and coke, sat them in front of their computers for four months, told them "you work for me now", explained that they'd be animating shit for a new Transformers movie by saying "now make this explode, pussy!"
There is no actual reason why you should go see The Last Knight... even, God forbid, you are a fan of the franchise (are there still any of you left who are older than twelve and not injecting roids directly into your testicles?), but if, for some reason, one of these people who your accidentally love happen to force you into a theater... it's not as bad as you think it is. I've seen them all and this one is leaps and bounds better than the last two and probably the last three (I can't seem to remember anything about 2-4). There are genuine moments you'll be visually impressed with... there are characters you can't help but like... and there's Anthony Hopkins there to do everything in his power to save this nightmareish experience for you. Just don't expect to walk out of the theater smarter, happier, or even a better person because Transformers does everything in its power to work against you.
C
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