When I heard there was traction starting to build for a Ghostbusters resurgence, the kid inside of me was jumping for joy. I know Harold Ramis has passed and Rick Moranis has retired and everyone else has aged considerably, but any chance to watch the original members (however many left there may be) would've been something I'd spend my money on. Then they announced they weren't going with the original cast, but an all-female reboot-- my heart sank. Not only were they stupidly taking a beloved childhood staple and remaking it (completely unnecessary), but they got rid of all the penis that made the originals great. Replacing the cast with a hoard of vaginas is not only a crime against film, but a complete shattering of my childhood. Not even just MY childhood, but all the young boys who had the Ghostbusters to look up to and emulate. My life is so fragile and I'm so insecure that by casting all women in the lead roles legitimately ruined whatever semblance of childhood memories I had left. The end result is a mess of femininity and "girl power" that utterly vandalizes the original films so much so that I don't think I'll ever be able to watch them again.
The movie (if you can call filming a tire fire a movie) begins with Erin (Kristin Wiig) a physics professor at a prestigious college awaiting the result of her tenure review. Already I'm taken out of the story-- a FEMALE PHYSICS PROFESSOR-- women within the realm of higher academia is the biggest joke the movie contains. She reunites with her old friend Abby (Melissa McCarthy) who is working on paranormal technology with her (probably lesbian) partner Holtzmann (Kate McKinnon). This is the producers laughing in our faces by adding the word 'man' at the end of her name-- showing us just exactly how much they don't care about ruining a classic. Finally, there's Patty (Leslie Jones) who actually fits her role-- an African-American woman working a blue-collar NY job. Somehow, she proves her worth and ends up joining the team-- this movie is a complete mess. When someone creates a machine that amplifies paranormal activity and releases ghosts all over the city-- who do they call? FOUR WOMEN!!! This isn't a pie making contest in a giant kitchen or a who can fold laundry the fastest race-- it's the protection of an entire city. There is zero believablity within the film.
Yeah, so what if the movie APPEARS to be a lot of fun. So what if (to other women only) the movie holds its own and showcases four "funny" female comedians (oxymoron) as competent replacements for the original cast. So what if the reboot is just a loose remake and the differences in plot are actually pretty humorous and interesting. So what if there are several cameos of the original stars appearing to give their blessing to the remake. And so what if a new generation of children will have nearly the same feelings that kids back in the 80s and 90s did when discovering the first Ghostbusters-- a fun family-oriented sci-fi movie they can dress up as and emulate and watch over and over and over until the disk is worn thin-- It's still a cast full of women.
It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things that nearly each woman in the movie kills it. Who cares that the meshing of Kristin Wiig's subtle, dry humor and McCarthy's penchant for loud, hilarious rants meshes as well as Bill Murray's and Dan Aykroyd's exchanges in the first film. No one is going to remember that Kate McKinnon plays batshit crazy in the most beautiful and hilarious way possible that she's clearly the standout in the movie. And people really aren't going to care that Leslie Jones takes a character that could've been a stereotypical nightmare and brings some much needed humanity and hilarity to the foursome to create a chemistry within the group as damn near irresistible. You know why? Because everyone will be focused on how much of the original has been bastardized by the mere presence of two X chromosomes. And really the only dudes within the movies are the bad guy (yeah, the big bad MAN is the villain-- surprise surprise) and the other is a character named Kevin (Chris Hemsworth) who is not only treated as a sex object the ENTIRE movie (stop sexualizing the male body, Hollywood), but he's a brainless idiot. Yes, all white men are brainless dolts who contribute nothing to society and women are superior.
White, privileged, fanboys who took to social media and Youtube when the movie was announced and the trailer was released were correct all along. There is nothing in this movie worthy of your time. There is no clever twist on the original. There are no moments of laugh-out-loud-spill-your-popcorn comedy. There are no moments of empowered women actually doing what it takes to be true heroes and save humanity from the paranormal. There's only women trying to do men's jobs and failing miserably. Clearly a good, wholesome, funny, exciting, and fun movie could never be made with women. Whose good idea was it anyway to show little girls of this generation that women can be badass comedy stars just as much as men? Which Hollywood suit got blackmailed and greenlit a movie that will let these women be the new face of the Ghostbusters probably for at least the next few years and show the entirety of the female sex that there are still pioneers of progress and fighters of equality within the film industry?
So, Hollywood, can we please learn from this terrible mistake and let future remakes be full of men like they're supposed to be? Later this year there's a Ben-Hur remake coming out. Let's just thank our lucky stars it's full of men and they didn't take the title literally. Thank God it's not Ben-Her.
You want to watch Ghostbusters-- watch the original (if you still can). Don't worry about going to see a female-led summer movie that DEFINITELY ISN'T one of the best remakes of recent memory and some of the most fun I've had at the movies this summer.
B
Hey, for real though, that new Fall Out Boy theme song-- really is garbage.
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