X-Men Apocalypse: Secret of the Ooze

Somehow, greatness doesn't always come in threes. Way back, sixteen years ago (yes, you are that old), the first X-Men film came out.  It was essentially our introduction into the Marvel train that has been run on us for the last sixteen years. It was good. It was fresh.  It was new. It was cool. Then, a few years later came X2, which was grittier, darker, and better than its predecessor. Finally, we got X-Men: Last Stand which seemed to come out of nowhere, was off both tonally and direction-wise. It was a sloggy romp full of un-welcome characters, ridiculous plot elements, and a damn near cartoonish presence. It was a bad way to close off the series. After a spinoff or two, Matthew Vaughn came and resurrected the franchise with X-Men First Class which gave us the prequel to all the characters we came to enjoy.  Normally, this isn't something to look forward to, but the cast was all-but perfect.  McAvoy as Patrick Stewart as Professor X, Fassbender as Ian McClellan as Magneto, Lawrence as Rebecca Romaijn-Stamos as Mystique... it gave the franchise the kick in the nuts that it needed.  Plus, it gave us even more actors to connect to Kevin Bacon. The next film in the prequel threesome was X-Men Days of Future Past, which, if we're being honest, was a really cool film and may possibly be the best one of any live-action X-Men film. So, if we're following suit with the trend of the previous three, then Apocalypse is gonna suck, right? Well, it doesn't necessarily suck, but it is the weakest of this trio of films.

Due to the fact that the movie is seriously over-populated with characters, a plot synopsis would take a good couple of hours to write/read. The Sparknotes version, however, is that we've made it to 1983. The good Prof has started his school for gifted children.  Magneto is a steel mill worker in Poland (it's not actually AS stupid as it sounds). And some dumbass Egyptians are accidentally summoning the world's baddest X-Men villain.  He arises from his pyramid tomb and recruits some new mutants to help him essentially destroy all of humanity, and most mutants, where only the strong survive.  Those strong, plus Apocalypse, will rebuild a better world for all mutants-- whatever that may actually be. Once figuring this out, roller Prof and company set off to stop this Ivan Ooze-lookin mf before shit really hits the fan.

The film is cluttered with characters, overly long, effects heavy, story light, and not at all the caliber of the previous two films. That being said-- I didn't hate it. The one thing that the X-Men films have going for them is that they're always going to be fun.  Plus, the quality of the acting in the films has never been better (though I did really miss Ole Patrick Stewart and Ian McClellan). I just felt like some of the characters were underused in favor of giving some unnecessary screen time to others that also didn't get their fair share. Plus, Jennifer Lawrence really seemed to be sleepwalking her way through this one. One of the newest characters that really interested me was young Storm (Alexandra Shipp) and she's given about four minutes of dialogue and like six minutes of screentime. She has a great set-up to her character that could've easily provided some much needed arc of the story, but again, after her brief introduction, kinda disappears into the background.

Then there's Oscar Isaac as big bad Ivan Ooze Apocalypse. You guys should all know by now that bro-ner I have for Isaac. He's very quickly become one of my favorite actors to watch because he's very versatile and fun in any role he takes on. Yet, I think he was completely wrong for Apocalypse. Not that he did a terrible job, because he didn't... but it's not exactly a job that was difficult to pull off.  He's covered, head-to-toe, in blue makeup the entire movie, his voice is basically auto-tuned the entire time, and when it's not, he speaks in a British-y whisper. He was definitely frightening and a pretty sick character, but Dolph Lundgren could've been cast and there wouldn't have been much of a difference. I did, however, like the writing of the character.  He's, in essence, an all-powerful mutant who views himself, incorrectly, as a God. Within that mindset of biggest swingin' dick on Earth, he goes power-crazy and tries to wipe out the Earth Darwin-style. It's a cool character that may not have been handled as cool as it could've been (or maybe as it was written in the comics-- that's one area I have no idea on).

The only other gripe I have with the film is the lazy animation. Most of the other films have utilized very realistic CGI within a film series where it is absolutely necessary. This movie, there were several scenes where I was taken immediately out of the action because I was wondering how, in 2016, the CGI could look that... off. The technological advancements that we make daily, and the incredible budget I'm sure the film had, one aspect of the film to not go cheap with are the effects... and it kind of did. Other than that, it was an overall enjoyable film. I would've liked to have seen a bit more story and character that the previous few have been able to provide, but for a summer popcorn superhero film, it could've been Last Stand worse. Fassbender and McAvoy are great as usual. A few of the new mutants are fun, in the brief time we get to hang out with them. And Evan Peters really deserves his own movie. (Also, am I the only one that thought the Wolverine cameo was kind of stupid... like pointlessly stupid... especially when he takes off running through the snow...?)

At the end of the day, it's still an X-Men movie.  Most hardcore fans (I assume) won't be furious with the result.  It may be kind of a let down because this current storyline has been very well done, but there's a lot to be had here.  And I will applaud Marvel-- they may be dickless when it comes to the Avengers films by literally killing no one and putting no one in danger-- this isn't really ever the case with the X-Men movies. They're pretty violent for superhero movie standards and people do get killed in, often, violent, bloody (PG-13 bloody, but still bloody nonetheless) ways. If this is the last one of this series of films, it's obviously not the amazing conclusion everyone was hoping for, but it's sufficient for what it is. It's still better than Captain America: Civil War.

P.S.-- Here's a hint for your next movies, Marvel-- heavy Jean Gray involvement in an X-Men film usually doesn't end well.

C+