BEST UPCOMING:
5/6
Captain America: Civil War
Yes, you've heard me bitch and moan about being sick of superhero movies... and I am. But, with such a huge misfire with Batman vs. Superman and the track record of Marvel movies, you know this one is going to be fantastic. Yeah, I'm tired of watching them, but Robert Downey Jr. and Chris Evans are by far the most entertaining of the Avengers. I just hope Marvel has the balls to finally kill someone off. These movies have been coming out for over a decade and not one hero has fallen. Get some nuts Marvel and you'll have a better film than any Marvel film before.
5/13
The Lobster
Not a blockbuster or probably even a wide release, I encourage anyone who likes quirky indie films, especially those with Colin Farrell to check out the trailer for this movie. It was already released in Europe to a smattering of praise and it looks like that quiet little under-the-radar film that's a breath of fresh air among all the CGI and explosions and sequels that will be plaguing theaters this summer.
5/20
The Nice Guys
No hyperbole, this is the movie I am the most excited for this summer. You've seen the previews on TV and they look decent... but not best of the summer good, right? The Nice Guys comes from my favorite writer of my generation, and now one of my favorite directors: Shane Black. Not yet a household name he's written some of the best action-comedies of all time (Lethal Weapon, The Long Kiss Goodnight) as well as directed some of my all-time favorite movies (Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang). I don't care what movie he's working on I will see it. He has yet to make a bad film. He's the most clever and witty writer I've ever seen and I will be seeing this as soon as it is released.
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising
Yes, it's an unnecessary sequel. But, Seth Rogen's track record speaks more than the way this movie looks like a regurgitation of the first movie, but with chicks, dude. No matter how good the movie is, there's one thing for sure: there will be solid moments of comedy. Rogen and company have a knack of taking mediocre material and rising above because of a very funny moment or two... or three... It may not be the best movie of the summer, or even that good of one... but mark my words... it will be funny.
5/27
X-Men: Apocalypse
So, I am decently excited for Captain America: Civil War... however, this is one that I am not excited about. I'm over the X-Men crossover films. They were cool at first and it was neat to see Michael Fassbender play young Ian McClellan... but now it's just getting a little ridiculous. So, why am I putting this on upcoming best? Because even though I'm exhausted by Marvel... these new X-Men films haven't been bad. Plus, one of my favorite new actors is playing the villain: Oscar Isaac. So... you know... we'll see.
6/3
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
While I may not be that big of a fan as Andy Samburg as an actor and I'm really not a fan of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, I am a huge fan of The Lonely Island. All of their albums as well as all of their digital shorts... it wasn't long before they were going to make a movie. Not only is it a movie, but it's an R-rated faux-documentary film with tons of cameos and tons of comedy. Check out the restricted trailer and you'll see why I'm very excited about this film.
6/10
The Conjuring 2
I'm normally hesitant when it comes to horror sequels, but this one has the director and writer from the original film attached to it. James Wan, pioneer of such films as Saw, Insidious, and the first Conjuring film is a master of horror. He knows how to scare the bejesus out of an audience without resorting to graphic violence and cheap scares. The first Conjuring was terrifying and while this one doesn't look quite as good, I'm confident after Wan's success with Fast and Furious 8 that he was able to settle down and make the horror sequel he wanted to make.
6/17
Finding Dory
Another unnecessary sequel, yes. But, ladies and gentlemen, it's Pixar. And it's one of the most beloved Pixar movies of all time. There's no doubt in my mind that Finding Dory will be nothing short of emotionally fantastic. I mean, come on, did any of us think that Toy Story 3 was going to be THAT good?
Central Intelligence
I have a genuine hate distaste of Kevin Hart films. I don't even really understand why he's so beloved as a comedian. He's not funny. His films don't make anyone genuinely laugh. But, this one looks hilarious. Mostly because The Rock is fantastic and is capable of saving any film, but that the script for this one appears to be solid. Director Rawson Thurber is 2 for 2 with Dodgeball and We're The Millers and with a track record like that... I'll accept that Kevin Hart might have actually made a decent career decision and is about to finally make a funny film.
Swiss Army Man
You've definitely never heard of this film. You have no idea what this is. You'll look at the trailer and probably either be immediately turned off or morbidly curious. Trust me... it's hit all the film festivals and has gotten nothing short of rave reviews. This is the only piece of information I will provide you with: Paul Dano is stuck on an island with nothing but Daniel Radcliffe... a farting corpse that he fashions into a life raft. Yeah. I'm excited.
6/24
Independence Day: Resurgence
Ladies and Gentlemen, I know that I said I'm the most excited for The Nice Guys this summer... and I am. But we all know that was bullshit. I am the most excited for the sequel to one of my top ten favorite movies of all time. Sure, it kinda sucks that Will Smith decided to be the ONLY cast member to return, but my God, they got Jeff Goldblum. Sure, we have to sit through whiny mcbitchface Hemsworth, but they got Judd Hirsh! It's probably going to suck... but I can't wait to see how much.
7/1
The BFG
I was a big fan of this book when I was a lad and if they MUST make a movie about it, then Spielberg I guess is the best way to get me to just agree to see it. There's only a teaser trailer out now, but really the aforementioned info is all that I need to believe that this movie will be a decent summer addition.
7/8
The Secret Life of Pets
I wasn't a huge fan of Despicable Me or really even the Minions solo movie, so I'm going to assume that this movie is just going to be mediocre. But with the voice cast and essentially the same plot of Toy Story but with pets... it's ripe for some good, family comedy. If we're not overwhelmed with emotion and a good plot, we'll be pleasantly surprised with the amount of cute shit they have cute animated dogs do.
7/22
Star Trek: Beyond
I will fully admit that whoever put together the trailer for this film should be fired. The trailer makes Star Trek look like a Fast and Furious movie. Die hard fans, or even fans of the first two films in general know that this isn't Star Trek. However, even though JJ Abrams is gone and the trailer looked bad... I have a good feeling this movie is still going to be solid. Here's why: it was written by the one and only Simon Pegg. Dude is a nerd who can write a film. It's in capable hands and I'm holding the faith.
7/29
Jason Bourne
After Jeremy Renner's abysmal turn trying to take on the Bourne franchise, they've gone back to their roots. Matt Damon takes back the titular role and bulks up for a new Bourne film that looks like it could be the one that gives Bourne the credit it deserves. The original trilogy got better with each movie... there's no reason to doubt this isn't the case now.
8/5
Suicide Squad
Of course Warner doesn't have the balls to go rated R with this one, which we all know would make a much better film. This movie needs to go bat-shit insane with its criminals and its Joker. But, it's going to go as insane as it can within the realm of what anyone 13 years of age can handle. Pussies. It's still gonna be decent though... right?
WORST UPCOMING:
5/20
The Angry Birds Movie
I don't care how great the cast is for this rushed waste of quick-cash-grabbing Hollywood has decided to make this. It's based off of a cheap, shitty app that literally no one plays anymore. It is incredibly irrelevant and the studios made this movie as fast as they possibly could. Jason Sudekis and Bill Hader aren't going to be enough to save what I assume is a terrible script.
5/27
Alice Through The Looking Glass
In the hands of a capable director, like let's say, oh... Tim Burton... it was still a piece of shit. It looked... weird... and the movie played out like the script read: Let Tim make something cool looking and say whatever you remember from the original Disney movie. It was weird, it was terrible, and the sequel by some unknown director isn't going to turn very many heads. It's going to be worse.
6/3
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
You want to talk bad original movies as well as irrelevancy? Let's talk TMNT. Let's put aside the fact that it's the longest damn title of the entire summer. Seriously, who decides to add a four word sequel to an already four word title of a movie? The first one of this series of TMNT was God-awful. The turtles themselves looked like creepy rape-lizards and to top it off... they kinda acted creepy too. It was poorly acted, poorly animated, poorly directed... and the sequel looks worse. Also... HOW DID THIS GET MADE SO FAST???
6/10
Warcraft
If my claim that The Nice Guys will be the best movie of the summer... then this is its complete opposite. Not only is the trailer for this film, the literal worst trailer I've ever seen in my entire life... but what in the heavenly fuck? Did [formerly capable] director Duncan Jones just insert live action human beings into actual computer game play? Because the CGI could not look worse if you were watching Van Helsing or The Rock at the end of The Mummy Returns. This movie will be big among nerds and FLOP! Mark my words.
7/1
The Purge: Election Year
The same thing happens every damn year. A preview for the new Purge movie comes out and it looks pretty damn cool. It looks really good. And every damn year, like a freakin Alzheimer's patient, I forget how bad the last one was. This one... looks cool. It's going to be terrible. It's going to continue to completely bastardize an idea that is awesome but has never been effectively utilized.
The Legend of Tarzan
So, tell me, how many of you out there are seriously just jonesin for a new Tarzan movie? Like hasn't it been too long since the last one? Hasn't it been too long since a Hollywood pretty boy wannabe has taken his shirt off and swung through the jungle and into our hearts? No one cares about Tarzan anymore. Sure Christoph Waltz is the villain... he was also the villain in The Green Hornet, doesn't make the movie any less shitty. This will be a major flop as well.
7/22
Ice Age: Collision Course
I'm sorry to continuously shit on all these terrible looking kids movies, but seriously? We're talking about the fourth sequel (fifth movie) to a franchise that lost what was good about it after the first movie. If you can tell me (without looking it up) what the title of the fourth movie was called and what it was about... I will pay for your entire family to see this movie with popcorn and refreshments. Otherwise, just agree with me that it's garbage.
8/5
Nine Lives
Kevin Spacey gets turned into a cat. Do I need to say more? Does anyone remember The Shaggy Dog? Fuck this movie. Fuck America.
UPCOMING WILDCARDS:
5/13
Money Monster
The cast is what really makes me want to believe this is going to be a great film. Clooney and Roberts and directed by Jodie Foster. However, it does look like instead of telling an engaging and thrilling tale of a hostage takeover at a news station-esque type show... that's it's going to be an indictment of our politicians and economy. I want a movie with a message... just not something preached at me. We'll see.
6/10
Now You See Me 2
The first one was the very definition of mediocre. Yeah, magicians pulling heists is a cool idea, but you REALLY have to suspend your disbelief because it's REAL magic. Not magician magic. And I just couldn't really get into it that much. Yo, but that card trick in the beginning is pretty sweet. This one will be just as mediocre.... if not worse.
6/24
The Shallows
I mean, you say shark movie and I say 'down'. I'm always ready for the next shark movie (and the next shark movie is called Meg and stars Jason Statham, but I digress...). However, you say shark movie that stars ONLY Blake Lively... I get a little worried. The plot sounds pretty intense, but her carrying the film by herself... I have little faith.
7/8
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates
Adam Devine is nothing short of hilarious and Zac Efron is making a comedy resurgence, but there's just something about this movie that makes me worry. I think the trailer looks funny and the plot idea (though standard) could be hilarious... I'm just weary. We've seen ideas like this in the past that looks decently funny and it winds up being a paint-by-numbers fall down gross out comedy that tries too hard and illicit zero laughs. I'm excited... but cautiously so.
7/15
Ghostbusters
I really want to say that it's going to be good based on the stellar female cast and the track record that Melissa McCarthy has with director Paul Feig... however... and this has nothing to do with the fact that they made them all ladies... Ghostbusters should really be untouchable. When I though this was a sequel I was more on board, but now that it's kind of a reboot of sorts... I don't know. Why do we have to keep messing with greatness. This better be damn funny.
7/22
Lights Out
A few years ago there was a short film on youtube called 'Lights Out' and it was terrifying. Especially for a youtube film. Like, I'm talking it had the power to haunt nightmares and it was less than two minutes long. So, good for the person who made it... he got a movie deal out of it to make a full length film out of a two minute short. And while I loved all two minutes of the short... we know what happens when we try to extend shorts into full length films. Do I have to remind everyone of It's Pat: The Movie? It looks like it'll either be the next Insidious or the next jump-scare bullshit that no one remembers ten minutes after leaving the theater. I hope for the former.
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