Won't You Be My Neighbor?: A Beautful Return To Childhood... To Cry Like A Baby

Let me tell you guys a story. As a kid, I watched and adored Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. I watched it every single morning right after Sesame Street. A lot of kids, during play time, like to emulate things they see on television. Some kids play Superman. Some kids play soldier. Some kids play cowboys and Indians. I played... Mr. Rogers. Curious, I know. You may be wondering to yourself just exactly HOW does one PLAY Mr. Rogers? So... here's how. My grandparents had a large walk-in closet in their house. They had two bars with which they would hang their clothes. One was up at normal height for adults to peruse their apparel. The other was at the height normal for a four or five year old (my grandmother was not a tall lady). Very near to the ground. This bar hung items like coats, and jackets, and... sweaters. Below this bar of sweaters and winter-wear, was an incalculable amount of shoes and sneakers. So, what I would do, every time (seriously every time) I went over to my grandparents' house, I would enter with my own clothes, my own jacket, and my own shoes and begin singing the theme song just as the real Mr. Rogers does in the intro of every episode. ("It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor... would you be mine? Could you be mine?...) As I sang, I'd remove my jacket and replace it with one of my grandfather's sweaters. ("It's a neighborly day in this beautywood, and neighborly day for a beauty. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?...) Then off came my shoes in favor of my grandmother's bright and colorful sneakers. I'd turn off the light to the closet and, with the shoes, ramble out to the couch and tie them onto my feet JUST as he does in the intro. Until finally, I wind up sitting on my grandmother's couch finishing the song to no one ("Won't you please? Please won't you be... my neighbor?").

In a simple television show that spanned nearly forty years... Mr. Fred Rogers touched the lives of MILLIONS of children. Anyone my age would've been around the last generation of kids to have been moved by him, but certainly anyone older will remember sitting down in front of the television and learning about some social issue from the kindest most gentle soul ever to walk the earth. Then traveling with the Trolley to the Land of Make Believe to meet with Daniel and King Friday and Lady Elaine, et al. Without really knowing WHY... Mr. Rogers had an impact on my life. I thought that impact was just a catchy song that involved changing into sweaters and sneakers. But once the song was over, I would emulate an episode of Mr. Rogers. I would "discuss social issues" with my fake audience. I'd get mail from my imaginary Mr. McFeely. I'd exchange words with my fake Trolley. What I didn't realize is that by just emulating Mr. Rogers I was subconsciously understanding what he was trying to tell me. By regurgitating his message that everyone is loved and everyone matters and every single child on the planet is special... it was being retained somewhere in the back of my brain and, even slightly, molding me into a better person than I could've been. This one man... on a freakin' television show.

This is less of a review of Won't You Be My Neighbor and more along the lines of accentuating what the movie showcases so well... that Mr. Rogers was a unique individual. He genuinely loved and cared about children. He genuinely loved and cared about PEOPLE. He genuinely believed that every person was special and had something unique to offer the world as long as there's love at the center of their actions. This is what the documentary illustrates. And no, it doesn't try and deify Rogers, but it does highlight his undying compassion for the human spirit and especially children. It's a beautiful documentary that had tears careening down my cheeks for nearly 90 solid minutes. It's an honest movie that brings into light the motivations behind Rogers' actions and shows. I knew he sometimes took risks with what he would discuss with children, but I didn't realize the depth to which he took a stand on issues during times of country-wide division. Yes, the man was an ordained minister and devoted his life to God. But unlike a lot of religious leaders, he didn't peddle his religion onto people and especially onto children. He took all of the aspects of Christianity that teaches people to just be good and spread that message instead. Make the right choices... keep hate out of your heart... and accept everyone for who they are, and you will live a happy life.

This documentary is exquisite and spreads a message of pure love that literally everyone needs right now. Be warned, it will break you down to a wailing infant because you probably already have it in your mind that Mr. Rogers was a kind soul... but to witness the kindness and the tenderness and the sheer compassion he has for any and all people looking for the helpers is so utterly beautiful there's no real way to hold the tears back. Bring crates of Kleenex.

After leaving the theater, and driving home, my fiancé and I discussed the film and tried to speculate on how Mr. Rogers would've dealt with what's happening in our country. What would he say to us to ease our sorrow and give us just a crumb of comfort? How would he react to innocent children being ripped from their families? Would this be the thing that finally broke his spirit? A man who would do so much good in this world, but every time he got us to take a step forward, the evil of the world took it ten steps backward? During his memorial service after he died, there were actual protestors outside declaring that Rogers was burning in hell and "God Hates Fags". There's so much hate in this world that the ONE PERSON (well, him and probably Tom Hanks) who should've been immune to any of that hate... had protestors outside his memorial... including children. I don't know if this is what would've broken Rogers... or if the man could even be broken. But I do know, that right now, it feels like we need him more than ever. But, if we can't have him, thankfully we have a film that showcases his love and compassion for humankind, and all we can do is try to be a little bit more like Fred.

A

Hearts Beat Loud: The Feel Good Movie We Need Right Now

Amid the dinosaurs. Amid the transformers. Amid the explosions and CGI and superheroes and everything summer movie fare saturates our theaters with-- I love finding those one to two under-the-radar quiet indie movies to cleanse my summer palate and remind me why I love movies in the first place. There's always one and it usually sneaks up on you. These are movies like Little Miss Sunshine, Juno, The Way Way Back, Chef, St. Vincent, Love and Mercy, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl, Dope. And just as it does nearly every year, another quiet indie has snuck up on me and given me that palate cleanser I needed. Most of you probably haven't heard of Hearts Beat Loud yet. I hadn't seen a trailer for it until about a week ago and I accidentally stumbled upon it online. If Hollywood would give the same attention to films like this one instead of relegating them as "indie" fare only receiving limited releases, we might all have a reason to go to the theater more often. It's certainly a shame you haven't heard of this film because it's a wonderful movie that's nothing but feel-goodness, which is something we all desperately need right now.

Nick Offerman (best known as Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec) is Frank, the owner of a failing record store and father to Sam (Kiersey Clemons), an ambitious young girl readying herself to leave for med school across the country at UCLA. Frank is just a big kid, whereas Sam is the responsible one. When Sam wants to do prep work for pre-med classes, Frank wants to have a "jam sesh". Together, the two of them write, perform, and record a song called "Hearts Beat Loud". Here, Frank truly learns of his daughter's talent-- not just as a songwriter, but as a singer with the pipes of a friggin angel. In the past, Frank had been a part of a band with his late wife. Since her death, he's been aching to start a new band with his daughter-- something she rejects each time it's brought up (because, seriously, who wants to be in a band with their dad?). However, Frank decides to put their song up on Spotify and they become a *very* small indie music hit-- their song winds up on a Spotify playlist. Frank pushes his daughter to finally start a band with him, but that would mean pausing her dreams of college and med school and L.A.

It's a very sentimental movie. Frank wants to start this band with Sam because he doesn't know how to let her go. He's decided not to re-up on his lease at the record store after seventeen years and his daughter is heading to the other side of the country for college. Frank doesn't know how to be alone as his daughter is the only constant in his life. Sam doesn't want to start the band because she's finally ready TO let go. She's dating (a girl!--- yes, this is a movie about a queer person of color!!!! Thank you!), she's taking pre- premed classes, and she's all but out the door when their song finds the small amount of "success" that it does. So, the two are constantly at odds with each other about the "band" they've started. They jam together, they write songs together, they're creatively vulnerable together as they encourage one another with their art. Yet, the end game for this "band" is never really agreed upon by both. The father-daughter relationship is the strength of the movie and while I said it's sentimental, the script isn't bogged down by overt and cheesy sentimentality. These are real characters who the audience care deeply about. As "regular people" ourselves, yeah we wanna see a 17-year-old kid and her grey-bearded dad start a band and get famous. That's why we go to the movies. To see some shit like that happen. As realists we know that Frank is just trying to find an escape from the impending loneliness that's awaiting him once Sam leaves. We know Sam NEEDS to go to college and not push it back in favor of trying to become famous. But there are these seriously tender moments between them. And the songs-- OH MAN the songs-- we want them to succeed.

It helps that the cast is wonderful. Even if the script was a goopy pile of sentimental mush (it's not), an actor like Offerman is going to elevate the script to a point that it's enjoyable just watching him on screen. Clemons is a marvel to watch-- and listen to. Her voice is gut wrenching (in a good way) and will send chills down your whole body. Watching her sing with Offerman off to the side admiring the hell out of her while playing an instrument could've been the whole movie and I would've been satisfied. The two of them have such chemistry, you accept the fact that they're father/daughter almost instantly. This is a duo you want to watch and are sad to see go when the credits roll. Toni Collette also shows up as the quirky landlady of Frank's record store and maybe might have a sort of 'thing' for Frank. Ted Danson also lends his charisma as Frank's bar-owning buddy who has just discovered the magic of marijuana. Together this cast fuels a film that's often very funny, very charming, very heartwarming, and just HAPPY. Movies, in general, for audiences, are about escape. Let's go watch dinosaurs eat people for two hours so we can forget about the real world. However, movies like Hearts Beat Loud are a different kind of escape. It's about viewing someone else's real life... in real life scenarios... and seeing how happy people can be and how much love there really is surrounding all the hate. This movie reminds us of the love. And it's damn near perfect.

A

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom: It Uh... Finds A Way To Be Better Than The Last One

Once upon a time there was a man named Colin Trevorrow. He directed a quirky little indie movie called Safety Not Guaranteed. He was noticed by the big names of Hollywood and given the chance to direct some big movies. His break into the world of Summer blockbusters was when he was given the chance to reboot the Jurassic Park franchise. He wrote the film and sat in the director's chair. His name was such a hot commodity that the folks over at Star Wars-- who were also working on their reboot trilogy decided if he was good enough for Jurassic Park... he was good enough for them. So, while the guy was about to put out his Jurassic movie, his name was slated in to direct Star Wars Epiosde IX. His summer masterpiece Jurassic World was released... to much disappointment. Somehow little Colin was able to take a beloved franchise and the world's most popular and charismatic actor and turn it into a pile of dinosaur shit that not even Laura Dern would stick her arm into. The film became a cavalcade of social media posts claiming that Jurassic World had ruined people's entire childhoods. After this, Trevorrow took a step back. He wrote and directed another indie movie, the critically hated Book of Henry and shortly after, Episode IX was taken away from him. Trevorrow decided not to direct Jurassic World's sequel, but pass it on to a capable director. Unfortunately for us... he remained involved by writing the film. We might never know how good the Jurassic reboots may have been without Trevorrow's involvement. But suffice it to say, if people didn't like dinosaurs so damn much, he may have been the stake through the heart the franchise almost had after Jurassic Park III. JW: Fallen Kingdom isn't getting great reviews and Trevorrow is fading faster than I'm sure he'd expected. So, dear friends, I'm not yet sure how this story ends. But little Colin's reign of terror over our beloved movie franchises may soon be coming to an end.

Okay, so I wasn't one of the people claiming Jurassic World had ruined my childhood, but it punched me deep in the gut (and I have a rather sizable gut). I was so excited to see the reboot of a franchise I loved throughout my youth. And it started with a GREAT idea. The park is open! Like, there's an actual theme park with dinosaurs that people can travel to. And people do. And things go terribly wrong. And people are eaten. What a perfect way to bring back the franchise. Unfortunately, terrible writing got in the way of any fun that could've been had. Male characters were hollow. Female characters were caricatures instead of human beings. And for a movie with such a great premise, there was almost zero fun to be had. There was no terror whatsoever. There was no suspense. There was no way it could've been as bad as it was... but it was. Let's also not forget about the sub-plot of the evil general wanting to weaponize raptors and start selling dinosaurs to armies as super-dino-soldiers. Yeah, folks, that was a real thing. Chris Pratt, coming off The Lego Movie and Guardians of the Galaxy has a heightened wit and charm about him and the one thing Trevorrow decided to do was remove all of that so not even Pratt's charisma could save the film. It's one of the most disappointing movies I've ever seen in my life based on how excited I was for a movie with a premise and a cast that appeared to be perfect. Now, because of the way the first Jurassic World went, the sequel would have to fall in line with somewhat of the same narrative. This makes the story for JW: Fallen Kingdom that much more disappointing. They weren't able to start over and rectify all of the problems from the previous film, but instead, had to try to continue the story and fix all the problems along the way-- which has proven to be an impossible task.

JW: Fallen Kingdom is a really, really dumb movie. It's dumb. It's dumb dumb dumb. But how could it not be? The first film ends with the park REALLY getting shut down this time and the idea of these raptors being used as weapons never really gets closure, so of course we have to continue down this idiotic storyline. However! Even though its premise is absurd. Even though its story is dumber than taking time to explain to us how Han Solo got his name... it's a better movie than Jurassic World. Now, this isn't a great compliment. Hell, the fifth Transformers movie was better than Jurassic World. That doesn't mean it's any good. Where Jurassic World had a very smart premise and executed it poorly... JW: Fallen Kingdom has an awful premise and actually manages to execute it semi-decently. Now, there are a lot of faults in this movie. I rolled my eyes and shook my head more often than I could count, but I still didn't hate it as much as I hated its predecessor. What Fallen Kingdom has is actual entertainment value. Even though what I was watching was dumb as eating a hot pocket full of rocks, I was still very entertained. This, in part, I'm sure has to do with the director's chair. Sure, no matter who took the helm of this film still had to figure out a way to shoot a script written by little Colin (no easy feat), but a competent director would be able to find ways to make it better. JA Bayona who only has a short (but delightful) filmography with films like The Orphanage, The Impossible, and A Monster Calls is able to take the idiot man-droolings of Trevorrow's script and add some actual terror and entertainment to the film.

The story is basically divided into two halves. Once again Trevorrow is trying something "new" with the franchise and totally falters where he could've excelled. The first half of the movie is what the entire movie should've been. Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard), now a dino-activist who no longer wears high heels, is roped in by John Hammond's old partner Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell) to head to Isla Nublar and save the dinosaurs from yet another extinction. Nublar's volcano is about to erupt at any second and the hot debate of the world is whether or not to save these dinosaurs or let God do to them what was originally intended. Since Lockwood is old and dying, a suited douchebag by the name of Eli Mills works on his behalf (spending his money). He tells Claire they have found a large uninhabited island they can transport the dinosaurs to in order to save them. But they need her help in tracking Blue (the blue-striped dinosaur from the last film). So, she ropes in Owen (Chris Pratt) to go to the island to save them. Once the two of them, plus a tech nerd Franklin, and a dino-vet Zia, get to the island and capture Blue, they discover Eli's plan wasn't to save the dinosaurs at all. But to capture them and put them up for auction to the highest bidder. The volcano erupts, most of the dinosaurs die, and the humans barely escape from certain death. The second half of the movie is inside Lockwood's mansion where Eli gathers all the buyers, auctions off the dinosaurs-- including a new evil never-before-seen hybrid dinosaur. The dinosaurs escape and it's dino-havoc around the mansion once again.

The first half of the movie should've been the movie. I don't know why the story of having to save a species from extinction once again, with the threat of a volcano isn't enough conflict for Trevorrow. The most fun we have in the film is in the first half. It's once they get to the mainland that things get downright dumb. The stuff with the volcano and the dinosaurs is actually very exciting and fun and feels blockbuster-y. But the problem with it is-- we see a lot of them die. Audiences don't go to Jurassic Park movies to watch dinosaurs die. They go to see dinosaurs eat people. Lots of 'em. And if we do see one die, it's two dinos dukin' it out until the T-Rex pops out of nowhere and saves the day (seriously, this happens two more times in this movie... and as much of an eye-rolling expectation as it is... I still love it). What we don't want to see is an island on fire, covered in smoke and lava, and the one innocent Brontosaurus standing on a dock looking sad as it succumbs to the fire. This is a real shot in the movie. It's a long shot. It lingers and lingers and it's depressing as hell and not what I signed up for with a JP film. There's actually quite a bit of dino-abuse (yes, I realize it's part of a running commentary on animal abuse in general... and yes, a lot of these dinos do get their revenge), but it's just not something I enjoy watching. So, the fun and excitement of the movie does actually get too bogged down by the depressing images of dinosaurs dying and moments of human abuse.

Now, the second half of the movie is absolute bonkers. It all takes place at the Lockwood estate. And it amps up the dumb to 1000. However, what we do get is more terror. This is where hiring Bayona to direct was a great idea. While every plot point in the second half of the movie is so bad you're almost embarrassed to be watching it (seriously, it's like by you sitting there watching the movie, you feel somewhat responsible for the movie), it's actually kinda scary. What the first Jurassic Park movie did so well was it blended horror and thrills together perfectly. It was big and exciting, but then got smaller and scarier. Seriously, the raptor scene with the kids in the kitchen still gets me tense and is one of the scariest scenes in movie history. Bayona does try to get us back to that tension when we feel a lot more claustrophobic inside the mansion, rather than the island. It's not the story that succeeds, but it's the feel of the movie that lends to the entertainment factor-- something the last movie didn't have much of.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is much more entertaining that the last movie. They fixed a lot of the problems it had, but also created new ones. I think I liked this one more too because sadly my expectations going into it were very low. And I don't want to feel that way going into a Jurassic Park movie. They're supposed to be smart and exciting. And while Fallen Kingdom definitely ups the excitement factor, it's a really really dumb movie. Seriously. Here are some things that actually happen in this movie:

**A tablet is stepped on and an entire security system shuts down completely.

**Chris Pratt is introduced by building a cabin for himself... by himself.

**Dinosaurs are actually auctioned off... to evil Russian bad guys.

**It's explained that raptors can smell you up to a mile away, but can't find three people hiding behind a statue two feet away... or in a closet.

**A dinosaur actually climbs a ladder.

**A raptor learns how to love.

**A dinosaur PRETENDS to be asleep. Seriously. I'm not joking. It even does the thing where it opens one eye when the person is looking away, then CLOSES ITS EYE when the person looks back. THEN IT FREAKING SMILES!

So, yes, there's a lot of dumb shit that goes down in this movie and by all accounts it isn't a good movie. And if I'd gone into the movie with the same hope and expectations that I did with Jurassic World I'd probably have hated it just as much. But we have to realize something now, folks. We can't just go into these movies anymore with the same expectations as we used to. We need to turn off our brains, accept that Trevorrow will probably be around for the third movie (yes, they set up a third film, ugh), and go watch some dinosaurs do dinosaur things. Maybe... eventually... when this trilogy is over, we can get someone with actual writing competence to reboot it once again and give us the Jurassic Park sequel we've been waiting for since the first one.

C-

Tag: Better Than It Should've Been

Remember back in the 90s when the weekend would hit and you'd sit around your house all day with nothing to do and TBS on in the background? It's 5:00 in the afternoon and you haven't changed out of your PJs yet and all you would do is rest on the couch and watch whatever inconsequential comedy TBS was showing all throughout the day. You didn't have a smart phone to distract you from the movies. You didn't have plans because chances are you were a kid, like I was. You hated all the commercials, but the remote was so far away, you suffered through them. You'd watch movies like Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy, Encino Man, etc. and it was a great day. It didn't matter the quality of the comedies. It didn't matter how many times you'd seen them. That Saturday was reveled and looked forward to. Had Tag come out around that time and played on repeat on TBS, it would've fit in perfectly. Tag doesn't break any ground in the comedy genre. Tag doesn't have any commentary on any real world situations. Tag isn't going to stand the test of time. But it is a sweet little comedy with more laughs than it should to produce an end result that is better than you'd expect it to be.

Tag is based off of a true story of a bunch of dudes who have played the same game every year for over 30 years. The article showcases the importance and the awesomeness of friendships even as these guys get older. Watching old men play the game of tag like children really does bring a sense of nostalgia to the article and the film really does try to capture a lot of the essence of the article while adding a cinematic spin to it. The movie focuses on Hogan (Ed Helms), Callahan (Jon Hamm), Chilli (Jake Johnson) and Sable (Hannibal Buress) tracking down the fifth member of the group, Jerry (Jeremy Renner), who in the the 30 year existence of the game, has never been tagged. Jerry is getting married and has decided at the end of the month to retire from the game completely. The friends travel to the wedding (that way they'll know his schedule) in order to finally tag him. And that's it. There's not much else to the story. It's just a series of sequences of the group trying to tag Jerry and Jerry evading them in more complex and creative ways. Along for the ride is Hogan's overly-enthusiastic and aggressive wife Anna (Isla Fisher) and an old love interest (Rashida Jones) who used to be a part of a love triangle involving Callahan and Chilli.

I went into the movie with relatively low expectations. I liked the concept of the movie and its hard to argue with a cast like this... but the trailers to the movie made it look very vanilla. It's one of those kinds of movies that you want to be great but will leave you dissatisfied as you leave the theater. Fortunately, I think my low-ish expectations actually helped me enjoy the movie a little bit more. Because while it is definitely a little on the low-fat yogurt side of comedies, it was much better than I expected it to be. What certainly worked best in the film is the chemistry between all five members. I know it's hard to believe that Jeremy Renner and Jon Hamm would ever canoodle with the likes of Ed Helms, but somehow it all works. Each character has their own "quirk" that lends to the fun of the movie. Callahan is a successful CEO with a heightened ego. Chilli is the group stoner. Sable stands around spouting off humorous non-sequiturs in absolute Hannibal Buress fashion. And Jerry is basically the Jason Bourne of the group. Each sequence involving the other four trying to tag him is turned into a calculated action shot in slow motion with Jerry narrating his every move. The only weak link in the group here is actually Helms. It's something I hadn't realized until recently, but Ed Helms does not really work as a comedic actor outside of The Office. He was perfect as Andy Bernard and his character and portrayal elevated the show and contributed to the timelessness of it. But nearly everything outside The Office (save for the first Hangover movie) has been a comedic flop-- not just in terms of box office. And while he does have a good rapport with the rest of the group, he's supposed to be the one keeping the game going and everyone together. He's the ringleader and it's wrong to cast him in a role that drives a comedic film. He doesn't have the comedic strength to do it and the moments where the film rests on his shoulders feels really flat.

The best character in the entire movie however is Isla Fisher's Anna. The background of the game is that these guys started it when they were nine years old. They wrote hand-written bylaws that stated no girls were allowed to play. So, Anna, unable to play, gets weirdly aggressive and competitive when Helms' Hogan character is "it" and has to tag someone else. She's the mastermind behind his plans to tag the others and it's some of the best moments in the movie. She lives for the game, even though she can't physically tag anyone herself. I laughed more at her craziness and intensity than I did at anything else in the movie. She plays crazy great and it's the best role she's had since Wedding Crashers. She steals literally every scene she's in. I would watch an entire movie based off her character. The tag sequences are also more clever than I expected them to be. Yes, there becomes a certain repetitiveness to them, but each one brings something new and unexpected to the table. Director Jeff Tomsic treats each one like it's an action scene in a spy thriller. And while the novelty of the slow-mo gag wears thin after awhile, Tomsic still finds ways to make it funny. I didn't laugh as much as I wanted to during Tag, but I did laugh more than I expected.

Tag certainly has its flaws. The entire third act feels like the stakes have dissipated and the tone of the act is certainly different. Though it doesn't really detract too much from the overall fun of the film. There's not really a genuine reason I can give you to go see this movie in theaters when it's one of those rainy Saturday Netflix type of movies, but it's not one you'll regret dropping a few bucks to see. It's harmless, it's quirky, and surprisingly there's some heart and earnestness to the movie when examining the inner-workings of true friendship. Plus, right before the movie ends we get to see some real moments of the real group playing tag. Once you realize a lot of what's in the movie actually came from this group's real life tag antics, it makes their story even cooler. There's not a lot of comedies out right now and you could certainly do worse than watching a bunch of white dudes (and Hannibal Buress) try to touch each other and yell "you're it!"

C+

Hotel Artemis: Destined For Cult Classic Status

Most of the time when you refer to a movie as a "cult classic" it falls into one of two categories. One, it's a movie that didn't get hardly any notice or make hardly any money during its theatrical run, but became huge on video. Or two, it's a strange, out-there, ultra violent, super creepy, nauseating film that only people in an actual cult would enjoy. There are a lot of films that you probably love that are actually in the latter category of cult classic. Films like Donnie Darko, The Big Lebowski, Office Space, Boondock Saints, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, Clerks, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Dazed and Confused were considered box office flops. Hell, even the first Austin Powers was a dud and only got sequels because VHS rentals and sales were through the roof. It's hard to classify WHY these movies were theatrical failures. Some of them just don't have mass appeal and it took word of mouth just a little bit too long to get around. Others just came out at the wrong time. I mean... Fight Club came out on Christmas. Now, while Hotel Artemis isn't exactly a "flop", it still underperformed due to summer movie standards and it's about to finish its theatrical run. Most of you... actually, I'm pretty sure all of you, haven't seen this movie. It's a shame because it's got a suspenseful story, great acting, a wonderful cast, and some very cool stylized action. It's like they took the hotel from John Wick and made it into its own movie. And that's why I believe this movie, once available to watch from the comfort of your couch will find its audience and popularity.

It's not often a director can fit together a cast this great into a single film. The Hotel Artemis is a refuge for criminals. You must have a membership to get in and you must obey all of the rules. No weapons. No hurting any of the guests. No insulting the staff. No non-members can get in. And many more. The Nurse (Jodie Foster) runs the place. She's a quick-talking agoraphobic who tends the the injuries of hardened criminals who only go by the names of the rooms they're in. People like Acapulco (Charlie Day), an arms dealer. Nice (Sofia Boutella), an assassin. And Honolulu, a bank robber brought in by his brother Waikiki (Sterling K. Brown). The film is set in an alternative future where a large corporation has monteized clean drinking water and the country is in a state of upheaval. Los Angeles, where the hotel is located, is on the brink of war and the the hotel is right in the middle of it. The city is owned and run by a man known only as the Wolf King (Jeff Goldblum), who is constantly followed by his bratty and anger-fueled son (Zachary Quinto). Finally, to round out the cast, the Nurse has an assistant/orderly/muscle/guy with a heart of gold, Everest (Dave Bautista). As the city comes crashing down, so do the people in the Hotel. As the Nurse quietly breaks one rule, the rest of the rules be damned by these bad guys and gals.

Hotel Artemis is a very sleek script running at a nowadays unheard of 94 minutes. It tries to keep everything concise, though it does feel sort of rushed in certain areas, including the climax of the film. There are a few areas of the film concerning character and backstory that I would've like to have been more detailed and explored, but other than that it's a pretty riveting 94 mins. And while I was hoping it did turn into a little bit more like a John Wick film, it plays out more like a film noir. It focuses on story and character motivation and everything leading up to the big confrontation at the end that you dread coming. You can already tell by the names of the actors involved, but it's a stellar cast. A cast deserving of more of your money and attention than it's received in its theatrical run. Foster, who hasn't been in a movie since 2013, is perfect as the neurotic nurse, whose backstory fuels her flawed character. Charlie Day is at his most un-Charlie-Day as a despicable arms dealer you just want to grab by the throat and slug in the gut every time he opens his mouth. Boutella, as always is alluring and badass. I fear she's being typecast as villainess types, but damn if I don't enjoy each performance (well, except for The Mummy... but that wasn't her fault). Sterling K. Brown is starting to get a little bit more notoriety and deservedly so. I was fixed on his every word, every mannerism in this film as he has a hypnotizing way of speaking-- much like his co-star Goldblum. Hell, even Bautista doesn't stick out as a sore thumb and will go down as literally everyone's favorite character in this movie. He steals each scene he's in, much like he does in the Guardians movies.

The film is just cool. It's too dark and grungy to be labeled as FUN, but you'll have a good time watching it. The way everything moves at such a rapid pace, the gross David Fincher-esque cinematography, the lack of really any hero whatsoever and the always looming doom of the story make this one film that grips you from its opening scene and doesn't let go until the credits roll.  Hell, I don't even know if it let go then as I waited through the credits hoping for more. It's a movie that's going to find a lot of eyes and get a lot more notice on "video". I predict this film will achieve cult status. The best part is-- it's an original concept! It's not based on any previous works (that I know of) and it's fresh and it's good! We're not getting them often, people, but for the past few years, the films that are original concepts have been really good. Hollywood is trending somewhat in the right direction. If we can get one original film like Hotel Artemis for every superhero, prequel, origin story, sequel or based on movie... I'll be more than happy.

B

Ocean's 8: A Fun Caper With Some Franchise Faults

I have written ad nauseam about how Hollywood doesn't take risks anymore. They essentially refuse to produce big budget summer movies that are wholly original. The "risks" that they do take still involve previous source material. Something along the lines of a King Arthur remake with Guy Ritchie at the helm. It's risky because no one actually gives a shit about King Arthur anymore. Budding screenwriters (like myself) aren't able to break into the industry with their specs anymore because Hollywood isn't buying. It used to be that if you thought high-concept, you'd have an easier time breaking in because it's something the studios could spend a ton of money on, but make even more money back. Now... (probably thanks to Marvel)... the only thing Hollywood trusts to make them money are movies that have a familiar name. I'm willing to bet that had the Jumanji "sequel" been titled Welcome to the Jungle, featuring the same cast, the same story (about four high schoolers being sucked into a video game and becoming the game's avatars), and removing the TWO Jumanji references... it would've made the same amount of money. But studios aren't concerned with telling original stories. They're concerned with making money. And they THINK the only thing that will make them any donuts will be movies with titles audiences recognize. I think Ocean's 8 could've been a really cool heist caper movie with an all-female cast. But that would take Hollywood's trust... and that's just not something they have for original material anymore. So, we've got a good script, a fun movie, and a great cast that has to make this movie their own and live up to the Ocean's franchise name. Because of this-- the movie succeeds in some aspects, but pales in comparison (a comparison that didn't have to be made) in others.  

Debbie Ocean (Sandra Bullock)-- is Clooney's (Danny Ocean) sister. She's in prison and the film begins with her parole board hearing-- just like the first movie. She gets out of prison with a caper on her mind and puts together a team-- just like the first movie. Her team consists of Lou (Cate Blanchett), Amita (Mindy Kaling), Tammy (Sarah Paulson), Constance (Awkwafina), Nine Ball (Rhianna), and Rose (Helena Bonham-Carter). The mark-- a necklace of diamonds worth over 150 million dollars to be put on display around the neck of celebrity Daphne Kluger (Anne Hathaway) at the annual Met Gala. The heist/con is not necessarily just about money for Debbie, but it involves an old love interest and some revenge she feels she needs to take. There's all the same beats for the first half of the movie. Debbie putting together the team. Each member showcasing their skills. The planning of the heist. The practicing of the heist. A few minor problems-- and then enacting the heist. However, where Ocean's 8 differs is that the movie doesn't end with the completion of the heist, which was a fresh touch and an added level of conflict to the film. Overall, Ocean's 8 is a fun caper that showcases some serious female talent and, I'm assuming, will get a better audience response than the all-female Ghostbusters (which I think is still a pretty great movie). 

I have mixed feelings about Ocean's 8 in its entirety-- and a lot of these feelings stem from the fact that it's now an Ocean's film. I can't help but compare this one to the previous trilogy. What Steven Soderbergh did with his trilogy was craft a sleek and stylish caper with an assemblage of smart, yet individually unconventional characters. The reason we like these movies (or remember liking them) has to do with the writing. The dialogue is riddled with wit and quirk and has a certain tongue-and-cheek feel to it that makes the movie feel even sleeker than it is. The plans enacted (at least in the first movie) were ripe with twists and turns and were clever and inventive enough that the audience never saw the entirety of the schemes coming. Each character was given enough time that we felt like we knew them and were on board with their part of the heist. This is the reason Ocean's Eleven worked so well and Ocean's Twelve didn't. Ocean's 8 feels like a mix of the two. My biggest problem with the first half of the movie is that it just didn't feel as sleek as the other movies. There wasn't a lot of the wit in the dialogue or clever wordplay or idiosyncrasies that made each character unique and stand out from the others. Debbie is given enough time and the introduction of her character is brilliant. Blanchett gets almost enough time, but she's such a powerful (and gorgeous) screen presence it still didn't feel like enough. The rest of the group only get brief moments and it wasn't really made clear WHO they were as people and WHY (other than money) they signed up for the heist. I got almost nothing from Kaling's character. Rhianna's character was also very interesting, but we're thrust into her intro scenes just having to accept she is who she is. And Awkwafina-- an actress I was previously unfamiliar with-- was so compelling to me that I felt like I didn't know her at all, but really really wanted to. It's such a diverse and tremendous cast of women that almost all of them felt underused, even with its two hour run time.

Another "rule" the Ocean's movies generally adhere to is upping the stakes with unexpected conflict and if you've got a movie like this-- you have to stay ahead of your audience. We're expecting conflicts to arise during the planning stage as well as the enacting stage... but the clever solutions to these conflicts have to be inventive. The non-criminal average moviegoer shouldn't be able to come up with a simple solution to the problem, we should be happily surprised with how they figure out overcoming their unexpected obstacles. And Ocean's 8 never really does this. The obstacles that do arise are ones that don't seem like THAT big of a deal and the way they overcome them feel just a little bit lazy. Everything is almost just a little bit too easy for everyone (which, again, is a glaring problem with Ocean's Twelve). However, once the plan is put into motion, the fun really begins and there are some decent twists and turns and it becomes exciting and enjoyable. This is where the movie finds its strength. And while the "end" of the heist feels a tad anti-climactic, like I said... it's not the end of the story-- which I loved. By the end of the movie I was completely sold on the characters and [most of] their motivations. I personally would love to watch a few more movies with these characters. They all have a great chemistry together and there's not a lemon among them. Somehow, each of these strong actors come together to compliment one another, which is no easy feat. 

I think my gripes with the film stem from the fact that I couldn't help but compare the movie to its predecessors. And there's the fact that it does feel kind of like an origin story and the first half of origin stories always falter. I think a sequel has the chance to be even better because we know a little bit more about these women and because of this we can dive into the fun a little earlier while spending some more time with each one to get more character depth. My final gripe-- and this is not really a spoiler since it's shown in the trailer-- is the fact that it's mentioned in the very opening shot of the movie that Clooney's Danny Ocean has died. For those of you sitting there expecting him to make a cameo at the end of the film, showing that he's faked his death or whatever are going to be sorely disappointed-- just as I was. Nope. According to this movie (and it may change if we get any sequels), Danny is actually dead. I didn't like it-- not because I just love me some Clooney and fully want him to be off somewhere spending his millions of dollars with his wife Julia Roberts and kids-- but because it served no purpose to the story. We get no explanation of how it happened or why it happened and the events of the film aren't changed or motivated by his death. It felt completely unnecessary and kind of just sucks when you think about how great of an ending Ocean's Thirteen had. 

But I want more of these ladies. I want more of their capers on screen and I hope this movie makes the money it deserves. And-- this has nothing to do with the movie at all-- if they're planning on adding anymore female actors to the cast... PLEASE get Kate McKinnon on board. This is the perfect franchise for her and she deserves to be among these already great actors. 

B

Hereditary: You Will Probably Hate This Movie

Hello average moviegoer. Thanks for stopping by. You're here to see what all the hoopla is surrounding the new horror film hitting theaters this week Hereditary. You've seen a few trailers plastered with the phrase from critics "this generation's The Exorcist" and you're wondering if it's actually worth seeing. Well, average moviegoer, I've probably got some bad news for you. If you are the type of average moviegoer who dips into the horror genre with favorites like Annabelle or Insidious or Ouija or Paranormal Activity and consider them some of the best recent horror-- you're going to hate, nay LOATHE Hereditary. Remember how disappointed you were with It Follows? Remember when you turned out all the lights, grabbed a blanket to tuck your head into, popped some popcorn and climbed on the couch next to your giggly friends to watch The Babadook on Netflix and then turned it off halfway through because you were so bored? Remember when you went to Redbox to watch The Witch and then called their customer service line because you wanted your dollar back you hated it so much? Yeah. Hereditary is just like that. A24, the production company behind most of those movies, has made a name for themselves with unconventional horror movies. But they're not YOUR horror movies. Don't worry though... Blumhouse is just a few months away from giving you the movie that you're looking for. So, please, for the sake of us horror-morons who enjoy the disturbing, eerie, unsettling nature of A24's horror films, don't see this movie. Don't go with a bunch of your dickhead friends and laugh during all the tense moments and joke about the plot as you exit the theater. Find a dollar theater near you, buy yourselves a couple of dollar hot dogs with a cup of nacho cheese to dip it in and go see Truth or Dare again. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Are you still with me? You are?! Great! That means traditional horror fare just isn't enough for you and you're looking for terror among the outer rim of the genre. Hereditary will give you everything you need. IF you're patient. I'm talking VERY patient. I'm talking if you didn't love The Witch or The Shining or Rosemary's Baby then you might not like this movie. I fully expect the critic score of this film to be very high and the audience score to be significantly lower. It's what one might refer to as cerebral horror. It's the slow burn that disturbs more than scares. It's unnerving rather than freaky. It's going to haunt you a lot harder after you leave the theater than while you watch it. And that, my friends, is what I call good horror. While Hereditary might not be this generation's The Exorcist, it is a gift from the horror gods. It's been almost a day since I've seen the movie and it hasn't left my head. I keep thinking back to all the early scenes in the movie. Scenes that seemed innocuous-- that didn't appear to have a point and it all connects back with the conclusion perfectly. Haunting imagery from the film plagues my brain as I keep making connections back to minute details from the beginning. It's a film that isn't going to leave me for a good long while.

I'm not going to tell you anything about Hereditary other than what you're expecting is 100% NOT what you're going to see. Whatever your preconceived notions are for this film, leave them at the door because your expectations WILL be shattered. And, if you're not sitting there the entire time trying to "figure it all out", you're going to find yourself immersed in the movie and you're in for a much more disturbing ride. First time director Ari Aster crafts a seriously unsettling psychological horror drama centralized around a family and the emotional toil of the events surrounding their lives. The sets, the cinematography, the music, the sound mixing, the artwork-- all of it combines to make one dreadful experience-- and I mean that in the best way possible. His movie isn't spoonfed to you and it isn't about ghosts popping out of the shadows and jump scaring you. It's about ambiance. It's about lingering dread. It's about trying to figure out which part of the screen to focus on and worrying about what's on the other side. It's a damn near mastercraft in horror with a dude who's just put out his first movie. However, none of it would've come to glorious fruition without the work of its wonderful cast. Toni Collette is fantastic as the troubled mother. Horror movies often get overlooked for Oscars, but they were paying attention for Get Out. Hopefully they're paying attention now. She brings some much needed depth to her character as a broken mother whose emotional agony trickles down to each member of her family as they slowly each become broken in their own way. It's certainly not an easy movie to watch. And newcomer, child actor Milly Shapiro, will chill you to your freakin bones. Expect to see her around much more often. I wouldn't be surprised if the Stranger Things guys don't snatch her up for an upcoming season.

I want to tell you guys why I loved this movie. I want to discuss some of the more fucked up moments of the film with you and go on and on and on about the ending. I want to see it again because I know I didn't catch nearly half of the clues and easter eggs littered around the first half of the film. But I also don't want to ruin anything for you. I want you to go into this movie with zero expectations and just immerse yourself into it. Don't try to get scared. Just enjoy the film. And by "enjoy", I mean get ready for a nightmarish wild ride that's probably going to take some sort of pharmaceutical relief for you to ever be able to sleep again. Enjoy irresponsibly, friends.

A-

Action Point: More Like Action Pointless... Amirite?

There are several different types of comedy. There's highbrow comedy. There's satirical comedy. There's romantic comedy. There's parody and dark comedy and slapstick and prop comedy and witty wordplay. But for some reason, nothing makes the majority of human beings laugh harder than man-gets-injured-falls-down comedy. Gimme someone hit in the groin with a football and I'll laugh for hours. This is why Jackass was such a hit-- both the TV show and the movies. It's a bunch of... well... jackasses hurting themselves for our amusement-- and damn did they hurt themselves for us. Ringleader of the jackasses has always been one of the most fearless men ever to live-- Johnny Knoxville. The group of guys themselves were pretty fierce with their choices of things they wanted to use to hurt themselves... but all the hardcore, most terrifying stunts were taken by Knoxville. The guy broke his own dick for us. And we will forever respect him for that. But in no way should we have tried to make him a movie star. I would happily watch a new Jackass movie every couple of years, but once they started putting "stories" around the stunts... that's when it started to go downhill. And Action Point is the lowest of the low for Knoxville.

Action Point is based off an actual amusement park in the 1970s that was run as the most dangerous park in the world. Six people are known to have died in the park and they were never hit with any legal problems other than a fine. It's actually quite an interesting story if you look it up. So, it's a decent set-up for a dude like Knoxville-- who still does his own stunts even at 47 years old. However, the end result is something not even die hard Jackass fans will find even slightly amusing. It's a very dull movie ruined, perhaps, by a trailer that reveals literally ALL of the funniest moments. A lot of comedy uses set ups and circumstance in order for a moment of hilarity to pay off. Knoxville and co. have never needed set-up and punchline to deliver the funny-- it's literally just guy-falls-down humor done in different and creative ways. So, the trailer for Action Point looks very funny because it's just a compilation of all the guy-falls-down moments of the movie. What you end up paying to see is a very thin and weak and poorly acted narrative surrounding each guy-falls-down moment, which, again, you've already seen in the trailers.

Obviously the Jackass guys weren't going to be able to keep up their antics heading into their late 40s. So, Knoxville and others decided to go a more Borat meets Jackass route and combine less stunts with a sort of filler narrative that gives the movie a more cohesive feeling. We, as an audience, don't give two left shits about any storyline, we're there to see the guy fall down. I thought Bad Grandpa was decent, but all of the filler narrative surrounding the stunts and pranks were the weakest moments. I watched it the entire time wishing it was just a fourth Jackass movie. But I still laughed. There's hardly any laughs to be had in Action Point. The narrative is too schlocky and poorly written to even give us a moment of connection to any of the characters. In long moments of dialogue I just kept waiting and waiting for the next stunt to get me in stitches laughing, but each one that came was anti-climactic because I'd already seen it half a dozen times in the trailer. I love Knoxville, but the guy can't act and as bad as he is, it's nothing in comparison to how terrible an actor Chris Pontius is. And the frustrating part is-- if you're going to have a movie of dumb stunts with both Knoxville and Jackass partner Pontius... maybe let Pontius do a stunt or two! He does nothing... literally nothing... but get a chuckle from the viewer once or twice for showing up wearing nothing but a speedo and mesh T-shirt. When I realized these moments were going to be the highlight of the comedy of the film, I knew I was in for a long and arduous ride.

Action Point is pretty wholly devoid of any laughs outside of what the trailer already shows-- save for the blooper reel at the end of the film while the credits rolled. I laughed more at the minute and a half blooper reel than I did in the nearly 90-minute movie of Action Point. The only thing I got out of this movie is the desire to go home and watch the Jackass movies again. Not only was it just underwhelming, it honestly is just kinda boring. The verbal jokes don't work, the physical humor has already been spoiled, and the "situational comedy" isn't really even comedy at all. So, unless you think a bunch of "characters" spouting rude variations of the last name Knoblach is the funniest damned thing you've ever heard-- you can definitely skip this one. Even if you have MoviePass, I'd say your time could be better served elsewhere. At least if you wait until it hits Netflix, you can turn it off when you realize it's nothing like what you hoped and wanted it to be.

D-